


Conclave

by Alexis_Payton



Series: The Little Pauna [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa family, F/F, I hope you feel like crying at least once, More angst than anticipated, Smut, and cries a lot, as always, clarke swears, little focus on other characters, only clarke and lexa, they fight, they're older
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-15 15:24:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 54,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Payton/pseuds/Alexis_Payton
Summary: Final Installment of the Little Pauna Series.Clarke and Lexa have managed to find the perfect balance between family and politics. But now with the Conclave on the horizon, certain choices and secrets could possibly tear them apart.It started with a tournament and it'll end with a tournament.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everyone
> 
> I would advise having read the other fics in this series as there are some references in this that won't make sense otherwise.  
> I plan about 40k words, spread over four chapters. Hopefully I can update weekly, but life happens so I can't promise. Story is 80% complete though, I just need to get that 20% out of my head and onto the screen :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!  
> xx

 

Lexa still wrote Clarke letters.

Not as frequently as she used to, because finally Lexa was home more often than she wasn’t. The letters also weren’t filled with intense declarations and vows any longer, because Lexa had somehow managed to keep all of the promises she’d ever made Clarke.

The letter Clarke sat reading behind her desk at the hospital in Polis, hadn’t been much of a surprise, though. That day was a big day and building up to it, had Lexa acting increasingly brazen and unabashedly affectionate. One paragraph read like something out of a torrid romance novel and Lexa had always had a way of expressing her amorous intentions that left Clarke reeling and flustered in anticipation.

“ _Mom_?”

Clarke looked up to where Anya stood in the doorway of Clarke’s office, head tilted in a way that indicated that it might not have been the first time she’d called for her.

“Yes, Honey?” Clarke flushed darker, but didn’t react otherwise as she carefully folded the letter and pressed it back into its pretty envelope.

Anya smirked knowingly and Clarke lifted a brow in challenge.

Her daughter was sixteen years old, dark hair, dark eyes and dark skin. Her features were sharp and her public expression perpetually stoic. Her hair was meticulously braided away from her beautiful face and Clarke had watched Lexa skilfully weave each strand that morning.

Anya folded her arms across her chest and leaned her shoulder against the doorframe.

God. She was _all_ Lexa.

“You have to get to the clan meeting.”

Clarke frowned, certain that she still had more than enough time. She’d been busy completing requisites for new equipment and repairs that she wanted to send back with Raven to the Mountain.

Clarke glanced at her tablet computer, the spreadsheet only halfway done. She’d taken out the letter she’d received at breakfast that morning and had gotten utterly lost in it. Again. Turned out, she _didn’t_ have enough time.

“I’ll finish the requisitions for Aunt Raven.” Anya offered, stepping up to the other side of the desk.

Clarke glanced up at her and smiled. “Don’t let Raven hear you calling her aunt.”

Anya grinned lightly, she loved calling Raven aunt for that very reason.

“She’s waiting for you downstairs. I’ve finished rounds with Grandma, and she made me do inventory, so I know what we need.”

Clarke didn’t doubt Anya’s abilities. She just worried sometimes that Anya was _too_ responsible. Lexa would just chuckle at Clarke’s worry and Clarke knew better than to force Anya to do things more… _teenager-y_.

“You know that Nomon will wait for you, which means that all the clan leaders will wait for you.”

Clarke huffed out a chuckle at that truth and rose from her seat. She removed her white coat and hung it on the coat hanger. She’d worn her best leathers underneath in anticipation of the meeting she would attend that day.

Anya retrieved Clarke’s sheathed twin blades from the armchair in the corner and held them out to Clarke who took them and easily fastened the holster around her hips. Her spine impulsively straightened at the familiar weight settling at her lower back.

Clarke then turned to Anya and wrapped her into a loose hug. “You are definitely my favourite child.” She murmured and Anya laughed, accepting the kiss Clarke pressed to her cheek.

“So, you’ll allow me travel by myself to the Boat Clan after winter?” Anya cheekily chanced.

“Nope.” Clarke simply replied.

They’d already had the conversation. Anya could protect herself. She was an expert archer and her Nomon had taught her to throw a dagger with a deadly precision. But she was the Commander’s daughter and whatever her many aptitudes, travelling alone through the clans, was out of the question.

Much like Clarke had once felt, Anya wanted to experience and discover the world; stand on her own two feet outside of the shadow of her mother.

Lucky for Clarke, her daughter wasn’t a brat, nor was she stupid. She understood why it couldn’t happen, and that was why Clarke happily indulged her comments and queries to allow the young woman some way to express her displeasure, while she accepted her fate.

Anya just laughed amiably at the blunt rejection and Clarke watched the perfect posture and feline grace as she made her way around the desk. Really. _She was all Lexa_ from the knife strapped to her thigh, to the way she dressed and moved, as she regally lowered herself onto the chair and narrowed her eyes on Lexa’s letter.

Clarke watched as Anya picked it up between her thumb and index finger, daintily letting it dangle in a light grip as though it was something that could contaminate her. Anya then opened a desk drawer and dropped the letter inside before turning to look at Clarke.

“I don’t need to know what that says, but I want you to know that I’m very uncomfortable just being near it.” She smirked.

Clarke grinned, resisting the urge to go hug her again.

“Lock up after yourself and I’ll finish it tomorrow if you’re not done before dinner. We still have time before your _Aunt_ Raven goes home.”

Anya chuckled even as she nodded and Clarke turned to leave.

“Have fun with the ego-maniacs!” Anya called after her.

Clarke laughed as she continued down the hospital corridor, nodding at one of the nurses walking passed.

“Hei, Doktor Clarke.” The nurse compulsively grinned at Clarke’s happy mood.

* * *

Clarke strolled next to Raven, who was sat in her mechanical wheelchair, on their way to the white house.

The hospital loomed large behind them and was the only structure, aside from their home, that had solar generated electricity. Raven estimated though, that the power lines would reach Polis within the year.

Their city had become this strange mix of the innovations from the Ground and the Ark, blending together to increase the quality of life for their people. Polis had rapidly expanded to capacity because of this, and when Lexa was forced to stop taking in new people, they’d just moved to the villages surrounding their walls, able to travel in and out to the markets and still benefit from the many resources the city provided.

It was no surprise then, that there were those who envied all the people of Polis had worked so hard to achieve. So their walls had been reinforced and their army was always in peak condition. Polis would be able to defend against an enemy four times its size in warriors.

“Pauna.” A citizen greeted, fist going to his chest as he walked passed them.

Clarke dipped her head in greeting. She hadn’t been Gonheda for a long time, yet everyone continued to treat her as though she still was. The only place she wasn’t ‘Pauna’, was in the hospital.

Raven predictably chuckled as she always did at the honorific. “So, what’s happening at this meeting, besides the usual?”

“Why would you think anything out of the ordinary is going to happen?”

Raven scoffed, mildly insulted. “Have you seen your face these last few days? Your wifey’s practically gliding on clouds through the house. Something’s definitely up.”

Clarke smiled. “That’s just how Leksa walks.”

Raven hummed, not convinced, but they’d reached the stairs to the house and Clarke halted her step and waited for the sound of huffing hydraulics to ease and the swoosh of air to start as Raven’s chair lifted to hover above the ground.

They silently continued up the steps, the door held open for them by one of the guards.

Once inside, Clarke instantly spotted three familiar figures standing outside of the throne room and couldn’t help but study them while she waited for Raven to lower her chair onto its wheels again.

Lexa had her back to the door, two hulking frames towering protectively over her.

Grunt looked up and smiled at Clarke, next to him Aiden was intently listening to whatever Lexa was saying to him.

And maybe Clarke was feeling a bit hormonal that day, but suddenly her children just seemed just too grown for her liking.

Aiden was seventeen, as tall as Grunt and almost as broad. It felt like only last year that he was a scrawny twelve-year-old, sparring with his training staff as the Commander instructed him.

Aiden spotted her and grinned and having noticed his attention shift, Lexa finally turned around and all the words in Lexa’s letter suddenly formed images in Clarke’s brain causing Clarke to bite her lip and just stare back at her wife.

Their children were taller and older, yet the changes in Lexa over the years, though minute, stood out just as starkly to Clarke.

Most notable were the laugh lines at the outside corners of Lexa’s eyes, dimly highlighted within her flawless face. Maybe others wouldn’t have noticed, but Clarke knew that they were there. She often watched as they crinkled with the easy smiles Lexa had come to gift onto their people more frequently. Clarke knew those lines intimately, as she had documented their arrival - each of their individual appearances and lengthening - in scrupulous detail in various portraits that hung around their home. They left Clarke feeling unbelievably satisfied that she was responsible for at least some of their width and depth.

“Jeez, Griffin… Can you keep it in your pants? Your child is standing _right there_.” Raven amusedly muttered.

Clarke smirked and started walking forward with Raven, straightening under Lexa’s intent gaze.

Gone was the young Commander, who always stood at attention; arms folded behind her back and chin lifted in a challenge to every imbecile who would dare defy her.

Gone was all that cocky posturing that had been broadcasted like a tsunami across masses of warriors to punctuate the Heda's indomitable will.

There was no need for any of those theatrics anymore. Now, instead, Lexa stood dressed in a simple black ankle length coat, arms relaxed at her side, mouth tilted in that ever-present hint of a smile, highlighted by yet another laugh line sketched into the right-side corner of Lexa’s lips. Clarke loved to kiss it whenever she could.

The clans had settled and so a reciprocal calmness had settled over the Commander of the United Territories. Lexa's reputation - her _legend_ \- preceded her wherever she went. Her triumphs were taught in their schools, their people recited them as bedtime stories to their children, they were boisterously sung in taverns and used as battle cries on training grounds.

Lexa would walk into a room and her achievements would be felt like an almost tangible presence by everyone around her.

No, Lexa no longer needed to manipulate her people with costumes and performances and subtle – and not so subtle - threats of violence. Now it was just _Leksa kom Trikru_ who the people were fortunate to see. Leksa kom Trikru who moved with a spellbinding grace and elegance while she wore her legacy like an ethereal cloak of armour dazzling her people with nothing but a charismatic smirk.

Still, Clarke forgot sometimes who Lexa was to their people. She forgot sometimes, who Lexa was to _her_. But there were always moments like these, where Clarke would stare into those large green eyes glittering with so much warmth that it would spark a reciprocating heat within Clarke's chest and all of sudden, Clarke would be reminded of just how proud and honoured she was that Lexa was actually hers; of how much she loved this beautifully flawed yet amazingly faultless woman, who had somehow managed to build the most perfect life with her.

Clarke grinned at Lexa and then dragged her gaze to Aiden who shook his head at what had just transpired between his mothers.

“Nomon.” He whispered toward Lexa’s ear, half embarrassed and half-amused. “I could wait inside?”

Lexa smiled. “We’ll be right in.” She directed to the men at her back.

“Sha, Heda.” They chorused and entered the throne room.

“Just one night, Clarke. I promise to bring her back in one piece.” Raven smirked before moving her chair to follow after them.

“In a heartbeat, Raven.” Lexa smoothly replied, eyes still locked on Clarke.

“We’re just waiting on your go ahead, Clarke. Don’t be selfish.” Raven threw over her shoulder, laughing as she disappeared into the crowded room.

The door closed and the mutterings faded away.

Clarke stepped closer into Lexa’s space.

“I enjoyed your letter.” She softly murmured, before she kissed the corner of Lexa’s smile.

“I enjoyed writing it.” A lazy smirk was pressed to Clarke’s cheek and their arms wrapped around each other in a comforting embrace.

“Are you ready for this?” Clarke checked, her face buried in Lexa’s neck.

Lexa gave her a gentle squeeze in return. “I’ve been ready for a very long time.”

Clarke nodded and stood there for a moment, worry and excitement warring in her stomach. Eventually, she pulled away, to prevent Lexa from thinking she was having second thoughts.

Clarke gently patted Lexa’s cheek and left to enter the throne room.

* * *

Clarke greeted the clan leaders mulling about around the large war table. The mood was light, as it had been for years. Their people were prospering and happy and the most constant dangers were the wild animals and raiders that took their chances on the forest paths between clans.

Clarke had seen them the evening before for dinner, so everyone was all caught up with each other and just waiting for the Heda to enter as they stood behind their seats and lightly bantered about the outcome of the soccer championship they would be watching the next day.

The clans had laid down their arms and now the only physical conflict that took place, was which team would come up on top. It had been Kane’s suggestion and Lexa had loved the idea of having the clan leaders release their egos in the form of competitive sports. It was like war, but with a lot less blood and no sharp objects.

The doors opened and the room respectfully quieted as Lexa entered and made her way toward her throne at the head of the long table. Her dais remained where she received people, but a desk had been moved in where Lexa spent most of her time. Clarke would often join her and lay on the leather couch Lexa had placed next to the desk so they could comfortably enjoy lunches together when their schedules got really busy.

In addition to the Antler Throne, there were fifteen other seats around the war table. Twelve clan leaders; no more Skaikru. Most of them had been absorbed into Ton DC, the rest were in Polis and a few had actually moved to other clans. Arkadia itself had started functioning as a research institute and manufacturing plant. Five years prior, their biggest accomplishment to date had been to bring electricity to Ton DC. Raven headed up all initiatives in the Mountain and held a seat at Lexa’s table as her personal advisor. A title she shared with Clarke, who Lexa insisted remain at her side. Her right hand. While Grunt occupied her left as Gonheda of the United Territories. The name change Clarke had offered up in hopes of having the boundary lines between clans fade and put an end to the rabid tribalism that was still present to that day, no matter how nicely they played together now.

Raven sat next to Clarke and shakily rose to her feet at Lexa’s presence. Behind Raven, in his position as part of Lexa’s personal guard, Aiden fidgeted as though he wanted to move forward and offer an arm in support, but knew better. He had a massive crush on Raven. Had had one since he was six years old. Ironically, the only person who didn’t tease him about it, was Raven herself.

Lexa moved in front of her throne and gracefully lowered herself onto it.

“Be seated.” She flashed that smile and everyone felt relaxed and welcomed as they swiftly obeyed.

* * *

The meeting progressed smoothly, mostly clan leaders gave reports to Lexa, discussing issues and successes. Everyone sat riveted as Raven detailed her current and upcoming projects. They were eager to become involved and either send potential young scientists to the Mountain to be mentored, or to start similar initiatives within their own clan.

Clarke remained silent as it hit her all over again all Lexa had achieved. All _they_ had achieved.

“Before we conclude today’s meeting, I have an announcement to make.” Lexa spoke, gaining Clarke’s full attention. “Considering the relative peace and prosperity that has reigned within the United Territories over the last few years…” Clarke studied Lexa’s side profile, even as she regally sat there, strong and unflappable, there was something almost timid in the tone of her voice. It held everyone’s attention and some of the leaders seemed to actually grow anxious. “… And after much deliberation and consultation with my houmon...” Lexa’s lips quirked into a smile and Clarke reached out and rested her hand on Lexa’s thigh. “… I have decided that after the Big Winter, Polis will be host to a Conclave, whereupon I will choose my successor.”

The room fell silent. No one said a word. Not King Roan who was a close personal friend. Not Raven who has never had nothing to say about anything. Not Micah who was Luna’s son and had become a family friend and not Lincoln who was now Trikru leader and practically family himself.

They’d debated on whether to hold a democratic vote instead, but given the strong partisan bonds still present within the clans, they hadn’t yet reached that point where it wouldn’t just be the candidate from the clan with the most people, who would win an election. The Ice Nation and Trikru, especially, vastly outnumbered the other clans.

Everyone just stared at Lexa, who stiffened under their gaping stares and reflexively drew on the mask of the Commander, which caused even more anxiety around the table.

“If I may speak freely, Heda…” Hector of the Desert Clan’s soft voice finally broke the silence and all eyes shifted to him.

Lexa nodded her permission.

“I think that I speak for everyone here when I say that though we respect your decision and are immensely grateful for your commitment and sacrifices to our people,” Clarke had loved Hector’s calm nature and determination to take care of his people from the moment he’d introduced himself to her, “we are apprehensive as to what it would mean should the clans send their novitiates to compete and the wrong candidate won?”

Everyone immediately nodded in agreement.

“You are an exceptional warrior, Heda.” Roan spoke next. “But you are an even better leader. When you rose into power, you were both fighting against tyranny and for peace. Our people needed you to be a warrior then and we had been lucky that you were a leader to us thereafter. What happens if we had someone rise to power who does not share in our ideals?”

Lexa seemed to relax back into her chair and nodded her acknowledgement. She waited to see whether anyone else wanted to say anything before she replied.

“Your concerns are mine as well. Though I haven’t been challenged in over a decade, our laws still state that there are only two ways to become Heda. I choose a successor, or I’m defeated in Heda Solou Gonplei. The former may cause strife in the clans who feel that they had no opportunity to offer up a candidate. That’s why I’ve decided to hold the Conclave only after the big Winter, allowing clans the time to choose and train novitiates based on their skills as both warriors and leaders. I will travel throughout the clans and offer guidance where it’s requested of me. From there, I’ve designed tasks within the Conclave itself to test the warriors on more than just their physical aptitude. I intend on getting to know each and every one of them personally, in hopes to determine whether they will be the type of leader the United Territories need.”

Clarke watched them all relax in the knowledge that Lexa wasn’t just going to hang them out to dry; that she actually intended on being involved in the process. Clarke felt somewhat offended on Lexa’s behalf that they ever thought that she wouldn’t be.

“Strength. Wisdom. Compassion.” Lexa wistfully murmured. “These are the pillars of a great Commander. It’s what I will measure all candidates on. Should someone win the Conclave who I deem unworthy, or lacking, I still hold the right to challenge them, and upon my victory, we would need to start the process all over again.” Lexa smirked and a few people chuckled in relief.

Clarke was not amused. It was the part of the plan she didn’t like. But it was a contingency that needed to be in place to avoid having someone like Gregor of the River Clan become the next Heda. Lexa was ready to take a proverbial bullet for her people, because of course she would do that.

Lincoln perked in his seat. He and Octavia had settled, unsurprisingly, in Ton DC. They’d expanded on Indra’s cottage, and when the fearless leader had stepped down, she’d nominated Lincoln in her place. They all lived together with their five children. Clarke couldn’t picture Indra with kids running around her day and night, and yet, whilst still maintaining her stoic façade, Indra had become the best grandmother to all of them. Clarke and Lexa’s children included.

“So, will the Little Pauna be entering this tournament as well?” Lincoln slyly smirked and it was Lexa who answered as Clarke playfully rolled her eyes at him.

“Though I have no doubt that my houmon will make an excellent Heda,” the leaders all seriously nodded their agreement, used to how Lexa would take every opportunity to brag about Clarke. “We are fortunate enough to find ourselves in excellent health, with independent children, and look forward to spending the rest of our days not having to deal with any of you ever again.” She grinned broadly and the table received it in the light-hearted manner it was intended.

The table erupted in chuckles, conversations starting up all around. Some reminisced about Clarke’s tournament, others enthusiastically discussed the upcoming Conclave.

Clarke though, turned to Lexa, who was already looking at her. Lexa’s eyes sparkled with relief and excitement, so happy that it had gone a lot better than they’d anticipated.

Lexa’s hand covered Clarke’s still on her thigh, threading their fingers together and just held her hand for a moment. Lexa then tilted her head in question, to which Clarke nodded her agreement, gently squeezed Lexa’s toned thigh and reluctantly moved her hand away.

Lexa steadily rose from her seat and the room quieted as the Heda loomed over them.

“I will build a bigger and better stadium.” Lexa confidently announced and left the room to the loud cheers of the leaders of the United Territories.

Some people started filtering out, others grouped together, filling the room with excited chatter. Clarke hung back to answer Raven’s inquisition, but her eyes caught Aiden, standing stunned against the wall, looking as though he was going through an existential crisis.

They hadn’t discussed the decision with the kids yet. They would be doing that over family dinner that evening. For a brief moment, Clarke wondered if he was upset that Lexa would no longer be the Commander, but then what he was probably contemplating, hit Clarke like a ton of bricks.

And just _no_. _No. No. No. No. No._

* * *

Everyone was gathered around the long family table, the clan delegations were feasting in the guest house, Grunt seeing to them as Gonheda; another of the boundary lines Lexa had drawn as their family grew. Their house was their home and aside from keeping their children safe, the guest house had been built to ensure that they could keep their personal and work lives somewhat separate. When they hosted clan meetings, Lexa – and Clarke – would join their guests in lavish dinners in welcome and then to bid them farewell again. Lexa’s days were devoted to the delegations, but her evenings in between, were reserved for her family.

“I still can’t believe it.” Kane smiled at Abby, still slightly stunned about the decision to hold the Conclave.

“I had actually expected it sooner.” Abby answered, meeting Lexa’s eyes across the table and they shared a secret smile.

Abby and Marcus were aging gracefully. Their hair streaked silver, but they were active and healthy and Clarke knew it was because they both kept busy. Kane had taken up position as principle of the school, while Abby mentored Healers at the hospital. Both of them and Grunt, lived in the white house, off in separate wings to allow everyone some space and privacy.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell _me_.” Echo directed at Clarke, before she turned her attention to Bellamy as he cut up their seven-year-old son, Wrex’s, steak.

They lived in Polis now, where Bellamy had worked himself up to become a captain in the guard. Bellamy had grown a beard and sort of looked like Kane. It was weird at first, but everyone got used to it eventually. Save for Echo, who secretly hated it, but didn’t want to make him feel bad, so she and Clarke just made fun of it behind his back.

Clarke turned to Lexa, wondering if she would answer, but Lexa was focused on dishing vegetables into their six-year-old son’s plate. Jake, in turn, eyed the vegetables warily. He was a chubby child, and for all Lexa’s declarations of fattening up the children of the clans, they were starting to worry that they might’ve spoiled Jake a little too much. They did.

“Honestly, Leksa had been attempting to do this for a few years now already, but _something_ always came up.” Clarke replied to Echo. “Something she couldn’t trust anyone else to handle.” Clarke smirked when Lexa’s eyebrows lifted, but she only murmured something to Jake, ruffled his dark curly hair with one hand while she took a piece of broccoli from his plate with the other and popped it whole into her mouth. Her cheeks purposely puffed out as she dramatically chewed, causing both Jake and Wrex to giggle and promptly follow suit. “We just wanted to make sure that Leksa actually went through with it this time, instead of needlessly upsetting the balance of the alliance by discussing it prematurely.”

Satisfied when the two boys started a competition to see who could eat the most vegetables, Lexa returned her attention to the table.

“I’m just worried about the implications for Arkadia…” Raven worried. “I mean, do we function independently? What if I don’t like working with the new Commander, or don’t agree with what they plan to do with my tech?” She’d mentioned as much to Clarke earlier.

“No politics at the table.” Octavia mumbled, returning from where she had settled three of her smaller children around a tiny table and sat down next to Lincoln and their eight-year-old twins.

Lincoln grinned and passed her the plate he’d dished for her.

“I don’t think I’ve ever sat at a table where politics hadn’t been discussed at one point or another.” Lexa smiled.

“Occupational hazard.” Kane joked and everyone laughed in agreement.

“You’ll be joining Linkon and myself in a private meeting tomorrow morning to discuss Arkadia, Raven.” Lexa eventually replied. “You are Trikru and on Trikru land and will therefore only need to answer to a Trikru leader.”

Raven nodded, seemingly okay with that answer for the moment.

“Hopefully you’ll still be able to catch the final match tomorrow.” Bellamy commented, and the table erupted into talk of soccer.

Everyone was loyal to the Trikru team, but the Boat Clan had won three consecutive championships and were in excellent shape. Honestly, there was no hope for them. Polis always hosted the big matches and seemed to offer no home ground advantage whatsoever.

Only Lexa and Raven were in deep discussion over the renovations and expansions to the stadium in anticipation of the powerlines finally reaching Polis.

Clarke sat quietly though, as she watched Anya watching Aiden.

Anya was amazingly intuitive, so she too had noticed how deep in thought Aiden had been since the meeting. If Anya was worried, Clarke knew she definitely needed to be too. Aiden wasn’t a brooding teenager and he adamantly refused to speak to his parents about girl trouble, yet had found a confidant in Echo.

Clarke got that, Echo was great with the blondes in their family who were having women problems. But Clarke doubted his mood was about a girl. She would rather it being about that than dealing with the alternative.

If Clarke’s suspicions were correct, this was something she would need to speak to him about. Whether he wanted to or not. So, when dinner was finished and only Lexa, Raven, and Lincoln remained, she made to excuse herself, but was stopped by a gentle hand on her elbow.

Clarke’s stomach bottomed out at the way Lexa stared at her with dark inviting eyes as she made sure they stood very close together.

“I just… I need… I have to…” Clarke dazedly pointed toward the dining room door, so caught up in the lascivious gaze that she couldn’t even come up with a lie.

Thankfully, her wife trusted her and just attractively smirked at Clarke’s incoherence, smug in the knowledge that she was the cause.

Lexa dipped her head low and whispered in Clarke’s ear, warm breath sending a shiver down Clarke’s spine.

“I’ll go and get ready for you, Steltrona.”

Clarke’s hand blindly reached out to clutch onto a chair as she watched Lexa swagger out, anticipation knotting deliciously in her lower belly.

“Seriously, Clarke,” she looked to Raven staring up at her with lifted brows, “just let me watch, I can be quiet. You wouldn’t even know I was there.”

Clarke snapped out of her haze as Lincoln snorted at the statement.

“Please, you can’t be quiet.” Clarke retorted.

“Too true.” Raven cackled after her as Clarke finally exited the room.

* * *

Clarke inhaled a calming breath and relaxed her shoulders, before she softly knocked on Aiden’s bedroom door.

_“Come in.”_

She entered at the muffled words. Aiden sat on his bed, looking awkward in his own space, his eyes darting around, before settling on the bed covers.

Suddenly he didn’t seem so old to her anymore.

Clarke retrieved his desk chair and placed it in front of him, before sitting down.

She was silent for a moment. Not sure how to broach the subject. If she was wrong, she didn’t want to actually plant the idea in his head.

“You’ve been distracted today.” Clarke tentatively started.

“I’m fine, Mom.” He murmured.

Clarke nodded, contemplating whether a harder or a softer approach was needed.

“Aiden…” Clarke sighed and decided to go for the direct approach. “Are you planning on entering the Conclave?”

Aiden’s eyes flashed with panic and he finally looked at her, before he seemed to calm and lifted his chin. “Yes.”

Clarke’s chest painfully ached and she inhaled a wobbly breath.

“You know that your Nomon and I are very proud of you…” Clarke shakily started, Aiden looked down at his bed again, but nodded. “And I know you’ll make an exceptional Commander someday…” Aiden’s eyes shifted to her again, narrowing. “Is there any chance you’ll wait? There’s no reason for you to enter the Conclave now… You’re only seventeen and you have your entire life ahead of you…”

“Nomon was fifteen when she won her Conclave.” Aiden rebutted. “You were eighteen when you conquered the Mountain.” He almost accused Clarke. “I will be nineteen at the time of the Conclave.”

Clarke rested her elbows onto her knees, hand rubbing at her face.

“Things were different back then, Aiden.” She weakly replied. “We had no choice. We were forced to be leaders because that was what our people had needed us to be. We were forced to do horrible things, just to survive. And we’ve worked really hard, so that you and your sister and brother could have the best life, filled with choices that didn’t involve war and politics and death.”

Aiden seemed to soften at Clarke’s obvious distress.

“And you have, Mom. You’ve given us choices, and this is my choice.”

Even as her mind and heart screamed _no_ , Clarke nodded that she heard him.

“I’m going to get your Nomon and we can discuss this more with her.” Clarke murmured. Lexa would talk him out of it. Clarke was certain.

“No!” Aiden exclaimed. “You can’t tell Nomon about this. Mom, _please_?”

Clarke frowned. “I’m sure she’ll notice you fighting in the Conclave, Aiden.”

Despite himself, Aiden smiled wryly at the sarcasm.

“I know. I’m just asking that you not tell Nomon for now.”

“You’re asking me to keep a secret from your mother?”

“I’m asking you to allow me the opportunity to continue learning from my Amin. I want to use the time we have until the Conclave to prove to her that I’m capable of being Heda. If you tell her now, she’ll just say no. That I’m too young.”

Apparently Aiden also knew that Lexa would stop him from doing this.

“Aiden, I can’t lie to her.” Clarke lamented.

“You don’t have to lie, Mom. Just don’t say anything for a while.”

“She noticed that you were off today. She’ll most likely ask you about it tomorrow and then she’ll ask me about it. Then what do I tell her? That our son has decided to sacrifice any semblance of a normal life in servitude of our people? She wouldn’t want this for you right now, not because she doesn’t believe in you, but because it is a very difficult and dangerous life to live.”

“I understand why you’re worried, but please understand that I’ve thought about it and I want this and I’m going to go for it. That’s what you and Nomon had taught me to do.”

* * *

Clarke walked down the corridor of their family wing. She’d left Aiden with no promises that she would keep his secret. She honestly didn’t know what to do. Lexa was going to have a stroke when she found out.

Aiden had been Lexa’s Seken since he was four years old and had seen the murals Clarke had done of the Commander outside of the schoolhouse. He’d taken one look at Lexa on her black stallion, lance thrusted into the air, and had declared that he would be Heda one day. Lexa had smiled proudly at him and gifted him with his first wooden sword. He’d followed Lexa around as though he was part of her personal guard, copying her mannerisms with the most adorable attempt at a serious expression on his face.

Aiden worshipped Lexa. She was his hero. And yet he was _all_ Clarke. Not only the blonde hair and blue eyes, but also that innate stubbornness and unerring need to make Lexa proud of them; to learn from the Heda and attempt to come anywhere close to the great leader she was. It was because of how similar they were, that Clarke knew that if she told Lexa now and Lexa told Aiden no, that it could cause irreparable damage to their relationship.

Clarke walked up to a door and gave two raps on it before shouting: “Goodnight, Ahn!” and continued walking on, smiling at the muffled _‘Night, Mom!’_ that followed her _._

Anya would no doubt know about Aiden’s plans by morning. She and Aiden were best friends, which meant that it would be three of them keeping a secret from Lexa…

Clarke ran a hand through her hair before she pushed open the door that stood slightly ajar and entered Jake’s room. He, Wrex, Octavia’s twins and Roan’s seven-year-old son, were all asleep, strewn out across the floor on mattresses. Clarke smiled, resisting the urge to go kiss Jake’s face and instead snuck back out again. If caught, Octavia’s boys would tease Jake relentlessly and then Wrex would feel obligated to beat them up. Though the little Ice Prince was a joy to have around – and Clarke really hoped he would accept the Azgeda throne one day - the twins, on the other hand, were a pair of loveable hooligans, just like their mother.

Jake had no interest in weapons or fighting. He enjoyed reading and playing with Wrex and his puppy and stealing desserts from the kitchen and Clarke was just so happy that he was doing things that kids should do.

She stopped at the door to their parlour, dread seeping into her body and settling in her bones. It was a choice between betraying Lexa’s trust, or betraying Aiden.

Maybe if she could get Lexa to not tell Aiden that she knew of his plans until he told her himself… Clarke nodded to herself, she shouldn’t keep things about their kids from Lexa. They were a team. They were better as a team. Lexa would understand the sensitivity of the situation and maybe together they could convince Aiden to at least wait until he was older. It honestly wasn’t a surprise that he wanted to be Heda.

Yes. Clarke would tell Lexa, she decided, and entered the parlour.

* * *

Their bedroom was bathed in candlelight, soft music played and the steamy scent of bath salts permeated throughout the room. Clarke’s body instinctively relaxed at all the familiar triggers that usually promised a wonderful night.

 _“Houmon.”_ Lexa voice all but purred and Clarke’s eyes found her standing in front of her desk, back to the door as she put down the tablet computer the music was coming from.

She was wearing a tiny, ink black, satin robe. The fabric had been synthesized in Arkadia. Given to Lexa as a gift from Raven on Clarke’s birthday. Clarke had appreciated it _very_ much.

Clarke’s eyes travelled over Lexa’s long, toned legs, greedily taking in every inch of skin on display. All the way up to where the fabric fell off of Lexa’s silky-smooth shoulder and the Commander was staring at her with smouldering eyes.

“You’ve been neglecting me.” Lexa sexily pouted, as she turned around, gliding toward the foot of the bed, aware that she had Clarke’s undivided attention.

Clarke watched Lexa’s long fingers loosen the knot keeping her robe together. It fell open to reveal naked flesh beneath. Lexa’s abdomen was as deliciously defined as ever, hard nipples still teasingly covered by black satin.

Clarke’s body rocked towards her, even as her feet remained rooted and her body shuddered in want.

A happy Lexa was terrifyingly intoxicating... That mischievous twinkle in Lexa’s eyes was positively captivating. It was as though Lexa wasn’t quite sure how to handle the joy bubbling inside of her; so filled with _feeling_ that she could do nothing but try to expel it all in the form of sex and intimacy in a desperate attempt to share it with Clarke.

Lexa's happiness seemed to seep out of her pores and diffuse into the air like the most addicting of pheromones. Clarke has never been able to resist it.

Lexa lowered herself onto their bed, resting back on her elbows, facing Clarke. Her thick mane of hair was loose from its braids, slightly curling and gorgeously ruffled to create volume. Her robe had fallen open, down her shoulders and pooled onto her arms, fully exposing her naked body to Clarke’s appreciative gaze.

Lexa then tilted her head, bit her lip, and flashed Clarke a wolfish grin.

Clarke was a goner. She left all of her problems at the door and blindly walked forward, lowering onto her knees at the foot of the bed, her hands instantly going to rest on Lexa’s bare thighs. She grinned lasciviously when Lexa gasped as Clarke spread her willing legs wide open.

Clarke lowered her head and kissed the inside of Lexa’s thigh, inhaling deeply when Lexa’s musky scent invaded her senses.

“I was forced to start without you...” Lexa smirked, unashamed, eyes shining with eagerness and anticipation, because she knew what the admission would do to Clarke.

Clarke whimpered and instantly latched her mouth onto Lexa’s hot, wet, centre. Lexa only chuckled out a moan and fell back onto the bed, bucking her hips up into Clarke’s mouth in encouragement.

_Devil Woman._

Clarke fucking loved her.

She gathered Lexa’s legs over her shoulders, usually she would allow Lexa a perch for her feet and place a pillow at her lower back, but Lexa had been meticulously working Clarke up into a state the entire day and Clarke’s payback was to assault Lexa with her tongue and fingers until she was nothing but a writhing mess of need.

Clarke didn’t look up from her task when she felt the familiar signs of Lexa steadily racing towards her peak. Smirking against Lexa, Clarke curled her fingers and pressed into Lexa’s spot. In return, Lexa’s fingers tangled into Clarke’s hair and pushed her impossibly close.

In her mind, Clarke could vividly picture what Lexa looked like right then.

Lexa's spine beautifully arched off of the bed, stiff nipples raised into the air. Jaw slack and lips parted and panting as her eyes scrunched shut and her brow furrowed. Lexa’s chest would be gloriously flushed and dusted in a sheen of sweat while one hand fisted into Clarke’s hair and the other palmed her own breast.

Clarke helplessly groaned at the image and Lexa broke at sound. Her hips frantically rocked forward, ankles digging into Clarke’s back, even as Lexa lifted upright, her fingers twisted tightly into Clarke's hair and powerful thighs locked over Clarke's ears.

It felt like Clarke was trapped underwater, yet she eagerly continued to lap into Lexa's shuddering thrusts as best she could.

Clarke couldn't breathe, but didn't make any attempt to search for air, even as her lungs burned with the need for oxygen.

Lexa's trembling thighs finally released her and the grip on Clarke’s hair loosened. She tenderly started patting Clarke’s head, stroking through the mess she’d made and Clarke affectionately nuzzled her in return.

With a parting kiss to Lexa's thigh, Clarke followed the gentle tug of Lexa's hand at her nape, to rise up and press their mouths together. The kiss started out loving and languid while they both caught their breath, until Clarke took hold of Lexa's ass and pulled her into Clarke’s fully clothed stomach.

Lexa laughed at being manhandled and fluidly wrapped her legs around Clarke’s waist. She pulled their bodies closer together and Clarke groaned as she throbbed in answer.

“I drew a bath for us.” Lexa huskily murmured.

Clarke shivered.

Yeah, they wouldn't be talking much that evening.

Lexa let out a yelp and a joyous giggle when Clarke lifted her off of the bed, rose to her feet with a grunt of determination, and carried Lexa toward the bathroom.

* * *

Clarke sat on the sofa in her studio, sketching Lexa splayed on their bed in nothing but her robe. It was the only way to stop her thoughts from obsessing over the fact that two days had passed, the delegations had gone, and Clarke still hadn’t been able to tell Lexa about Aiden.

She’d tried a few times, but Lexa was just so happy as she planned the Conclave and the various trips she would need to take leading up to the event. Lexa especially enjoyed asking Clarke which ones she wanted to accompany her on and then plan all they would do there with their free time.

Lexa was so happy with relief that their family would finally be able to shed the shackles of the Commander and now their teenage son wanted to continue in her footsteps and possibly get killed in the process. Though the Conclave wasn’t to the death, Clarke knew that some warriors wouldn’t think twice about displaying their dominance through violence to elevated themselves and their respective clans. No matter what peace reigned, Clarke knew that many were envious of how the Trikru had prospered under Lexa’s rule. Lexa always shared, but she could only do so much and people were still people, easy to blame others for their own shortcomings.

Clarke glanced up at the soft knock at the door and placed the sketch face down on the side table.

“Come in.” Clarke called and watched Anya enter.

“Are you busy?” She asked hovering on the threshold.

“Never for you.” Clarke replied and watched the soft smile as Anya stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

Anya and Lexa were very close. They had the same tastes. They braided each other’s hair and visited the dressmaker too often for Clarke to even pretend she cared about that. Anya was also permitted in Lexa’s workshop, where the two of them would silently make soap together. Clarke wondered if they even spoke when they were in there, but when Anya was upset, that was where Lexa took her and they would stay there until Anya came out smiling again. Yes, they had a special bond, like Lexa had with all her children, but despite the shaky start to their relationship, Clarke knew that Anya would always come to her first. Anya wanted to be a Healer one day, because _Clarke_ was Anya’s hero.

“Aiden said that he spoke to you.” Anya murmured as she sat down on the couch next to Clarke. “Will you tell Nomon?”

“I’m going to have to tell her.”

Anya nodded. “Do you think he could do it? Win the Conclave?”

“I can’t say. I haven’t seen the warriors he would be up against. He’ll make a great Commander. He loves our people. He holds your Nomon’s values close to his heart. Of anyone, he would probably be the most prepared to take on the role after having shadowed the Heda for the majority of his life… But despite the dangers of the actual Conclave, that threat would only amplify should Aiden become Heda. It isn’t an easy life. Certainly not one that any parent would want for their child.”

“And that’s why Nomon can’t know?”

“She’d be devastated.”

“Are you?”

“I am. But I was in Aiden’s shoes once. Just needing someone to believe in me; that I could be the leader my people needed me to be.”

Anya smiled. “I believe in him.”

Clarke smiled back. “I do too. And so does your Nomon. Aiden knows that, but it won’t matter much once I tell her what he’s planning to do.”

* * *

It was time for dinner and Clarke stood just over the threshold of the throne room as she watched Lexa standing in front of her desk, back to the door, her assistant, Naya, next to her.

Naya was part of an internship program Lexa had implemented to encourage businesses to start keeping paper records of sales and employ people who could read and write and do math to do so, which in turn would encourage more parents to send their kids to school with the promise of actual jobs waiting for them to use the skills they would learn there.

Lexa only kept the assistants around for six months at a time, having them take notes, file records, or retrieve them for her. She still preferred doing most of the work herself though.

_Control freak._

Lexa paid them handsomely in the coins that had become the currency about eighty per cent of the clans had already converted to. And then sent them on their way with a glowing reference that made shop owners keen on using their skills.

Naya was in month four of her internship and blatantly besotted with the Commander.

Clarke inwardly chuckled as she silently watched them. Lexa was engrossed in what looked like blueprints for the stadium and Naya just stared at her, so enthralled she didn’t even notice Clarke’s presence.

"Is there anything else you need me to do for you, Leksa?" Naya coyly asked and reached out and touch Lexa’s arm.

Lexa stiffened slightly and glanced at the hand on her arm, before she looked back to her blueprints, brow furrowed.

 _"Heda."_ Lexa stated, her jaw twitching, but she kept her eyes on her work and Clarke could see Naya’s hand and face falling before she took a deep breath and a step back.

"My apologies, Heda." She sheepishly mumbled.

Lexa just hummed, already having moved on from the intentional slip and picked up a pencil, leaning over the desk to scribble something on the plans.

Clarke’s amusement at the scene dropped when Naya then proceeded to lasciviously check out Lexa's ass.

She quietly walked forward.

“Hei, Heda.” Clarke rasped, slipping her arms around Lexa's waist from behind as Naya hurriedly scrambled a few feet back. "Do I need to keep a plate for you, or are you joining us for dinner?"

Lexa lifted the plans up from the desktop again while she comfortably leaned back into Clarke's frame to show her its contents.

"Do you think we could add about a thousand additional seats, or am I thinking too big?" Lexa asked her and Clarke could see that Lexa was stuck in her head, nothing else seemed to matter other than solving her problem. “Raven says it’s possible, but I’m concerned about safety. Neither of us are construction workers, but she asked me to illustrate what I wanted and that she would have one of her engineers look it over.”

And so Clarke understood Lexa’s need to get it done. Raven would leave the next day and Lexa wanted to give her the plans to take with her. Knowing Lexa, she probably wanted to have a meeting about it too, that would save her a trip to the Mountain.

Passionately supporting that idea, Clarke bent down next to her and quickly drew up the suggestions Lexa made to give her a better visual. As they brainstormed, Lexa instructed Naya to fetch more paper and then to sharpen another pencil. Naya was also instructed to make calculations while they entered measurements and estimated crowd sizes. They worked well together and finally Lexa smiled, pleased at what she was seeing and kissed Clarke soundly on the mouth in thanks.

Even as she returned the kiss, Clarke’s gaze slid to Naya who instantly glanced away.

"Seems like I’ll be having dinner with my brilliant houmon, after all." Lexa grinned at her.

"Why don't we eat out on the balcony tonight? Just the two of us." Clarke suggested.

Lexa's grin broadened and Clarke could practically see all of the plans she had for Clarke flickering in her darkening eyes.

"Do I have time for a quick shower?" Lexa asked.

Clarke nodded. "Yeah, take your time, I'll go make excuses with the family and bring some food up, after I have a word with Naya."

Lexa's brows furrowed at that and she confusedly looked at Naya who'd gone suddenly pale.

Lexa thought for a moment, eyes flicking between Clarke’s condescending glare and Naya staring guiltily and fearfully at the ground. Her brows then lifted in realisation, having clearly forgotten Naya’s earlier attempt at making a pass at her.

Clarke lifted a brow and Lexa let out a low chuckle before shaking her head.

"Remember the rule, Little Pauna," Lexa murmured, tenderly brushing a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke's ear, "if there's a body, I want it disposed of outside of Polis's walls."

Clarke snorted and pecked her cheek. "Go shower, I'll be up soon."

Lexa nodded obediently and left the room.

Naya was still avoiding eye contact as Clarke made her way across the room, looking at the three paintings hanging above Lexa’s throne of the White House, Anya and Wrex. Clarke had painted them all and she could practically see the matching smirks on Anya and Wrex’s faces at what she was about to do.

Almost casually, Clarke lowered herself onto the throne and reclined on it, crossing her legs at the knee. She had to shift a bit in her seat though, because Clarke had been conditioned that every time her ass touched the Antler Throne, Lexa’s mouth would soon follow between her thighs.

"Come closer, Naya."

The girl stumbled forward, falling to her knees in front of Clarke who had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. She looked barely twenty.

"I don't blame you your attraction." Clarke honestly told her.

Clarke was very certain that if she had met this Lexa back then, Clarke would’ve bowed down and sworn her fealty instantly. Clarke wouldn’t have had the mental capacity to even think about Mount Weather in that moment if she’d met _this_ Lexa seated on her throne.

"I can understand why your eyes can’t help but wander..." Clarke kept her tone even and her expression neutral.

"My apologies, Pauna." Naya choked out, staring at Clarke’s feet. “I meant no disrespect.”

It was a well-known fact that Clarke was Spymaster to the Commander of the United Territories. A title that didn’t officially exist and was denied by the Heda with a dangerous look whenever someone had been stupid enough to even ask.

Nothing in the clans happened without Clarke knowing about it. Knowledge was a power Clarke effortlessly wielded to her advantage. Once, even while she’d been overseeing the construction of the hospital, Clarke and her spies had prevented a civil war by getting the Commander to sign off on two well-planned and executed assassinations.

Clarke’s power was petrifying to those who made themselves enemies. She worked in the shadows and whispered in peoples’ ears and problems would disappear without a trace. Clarke was credited as the cause of many high-profile incidences, even those that were merely coincidences. That hardly mattered. Akhila was the head of her team, and they never left any evidence behind, meaning that no one could link it back to Lexa and make accusations. It was a quiet warfare, that didn’t place countless warriors at risk and kept innocents out of the crossfire.

Clarke had spies all throughout the clans, but in Polis especially, people tended to feel it their duty to inform her of everything they felt Clarke needed know. Like when a young woman, the envy of everyone for her honoured position, regaled an entire tavern with tales of how she had seduced the Heda of the United Territories.

"I wonder if you'd even been born yet when I first came to Polis..." Clarke lazily drawled, leaving Naya on her knees. "I know most of the people here. Those who aren't friends, are loyal. Like the people who frequent Anna’s Tavern."

Naya’s head snapped up, eyes wide and wet with fear. Her mouth gaped like a fish as she attempted to come up with a response.

"Ssshhh." Clarke facetiously soothed when it looked as though the girl would pass out. "Now you may try all you like to seduce my wife," Clarke stoically stared down at her, "it's on her to reproach you, which I’m confident that she will. But when you start disrespecting her here in our home, in her city, in front of her people, by spreading lies which taint her character... As her wife, I feel that it's my duty to defend her honour. Can you understand that, Naya?"

Naya nodded frantically yes and Clarke grew quiet and purposely just stared at her for a long time, watching her squirm.

"You will stop spreading lies about Heda, especially such poisonous ones that may reach the ears of her children. Do you understand?"

"Sha, Pauna." She shakily answered, teary eyes blinking at Clarke’s feet.

"You're young, foolish and infatuated." Clarke coldly stated. "I'll pardon you this time, because your actions show more stupidity, than malice. I've heard that people felt rather sorry for you.” And they had. No one had thought for a second that Lexa was having a scandalous affair. Lexa could be having a massive lesbian orgy in the middle of the marketplace and people would say it was just someone who looked like her. Possibly, Raven of Arkadia had cloned the Commander…

It was why Clarke had thought to let it slide, up until earlier, when Naya looked to not be getting the message that Lexa wasn’t interested.

Clarke was only human, and though she had learned to control her jealously better, she really didn’t appreciate Naya’s refusal to back down. It was a slap in the face. Clarke took it as a personal insult every single time a woman – so many fucking women - had thrown themselves at Lexa, enchanted by all that power and that _face._

“But know this, Naya, if I hear you’ve been spreading lies about my wife again, I _will_ kill you with my bare hands."

Naya’s head shook along with her body, so Clarke wasn’t sure if she was nodding or just sobbing.

“You may leave now.” Clarke dismissed and watched the girl running out of the room.

* * *

Clarke entered their bedroom, platter in hand after she’d made excuses with the family and assigned Kane to the daunting task of getting Jake to eat his vegetables.

Lexa was out on the balcony, freshly showered, drinks and glasses ready and waiting.

Clarke placed the food down and when she returned from quickly washing up, Lexa had dished for them and poured Clarke a glass of wine and herself a glass of juice. Clarke kissed her on the head and settled down beside her to eat.

“I apologise that I hadn’t noticed sooner that she was being inappropriate.” Lexa murmured between bites. “I honestly thought that her infatuation would pass.”

“She’s been running her mouth at the tavern. Aside from pissing me off, I don’t like that she could possibly overhear sensitive information and spread it around.” Clarke honestly answered. She rarely interfered when women had crushes on the Commander. If she did, she wouldn’t have enough time in her day to deal with that irritating shit. Lexa knew this, which was probably why she was apologising as they both knew that getting rid of the creepier ones, was Lexa’s job, not Clarke’s. “I took care of it though, she should behave herself from now on.”

“I’d rather pay her in full for her internship and get someone else to assist me. She can go help out at the forge. They’ll be busier manufacturing steel beams when we start construction on the stadium and could use her assistance. I’ll give her a nice reference, she had been good at her job.”

Clarke nodded. Naya would probably be too scared to come back anyway.

“You should ask Aiden to assist you. He’s with you most of the time, might as well get some use out of him.”

Lexa chuckled. “He seemed to be fine today. I thought he was pining after that girl in Roan’s delegation, what’s her name again?”

“Raina?” Clarke wondered, she had noticed something between them on a previous visited.

“Yes, Raina.”

Clarke sat back in her chair, trying to figure out how she felt about that.

“She seems nice.” Clarke eventually decided.

Lexa hummed and amusedly looked at Clarke. “He’s growing up, Clarke, it was bound to happen. You should’ve seen him on our last visit to the Ice Nation. He was perpetually red in the face and couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence.” Lexa laughed and Clarke chuckled too. “He must get his awkward charm from you.” She teasingly added and Clarke’s smile instantly dropped.

“I don’t have an _awkward_ charm.” Clarke mumbled, remembering how, just a couple of days ago, Lexa had had her so horny she couldn’t even speak.

Lexa just hummed again.

“Worked on you didn’t it?” Clarke smugly conceded.

“Because I have excellent taste.”

“Yeah, you do.” Clarke grinned and leaned in to kiss her.

* * *

Clarke lay naked and flush against Lexa’s side, face pressed into her neck, hand possessively cupping Lexa’s breast.

They’d had dinner and Clarke tried to tell her about Aiden. Then they went to say goodnight to the kids, and got ready for bed, where Clarke again failed to get the words out especially after Aiden’s nervous and pleading glance in her direction.

Then they’d gotten into bed, where Lexa had slowly made love to her and Clarke forgot that Aiden even existed for a while. Lexa was clearly still riding her happiness high and Clarke _really_ didn’t want to ruin that.

She shuddered lightly when Lexa’s finger trailed up her spine, over the larger marks she’d had branded for every battle she’d survived, rather than get the traditional tattoos. Seven equally spaced marks lined her spine, and on either side, at the back of her shoulders, were neat rows of smaller ones. Twenty on her left and nineteen on her right. Clarke just knew that Lexa wouldn’t have minded if she had killed Naya that day, just to add that final mark and even out both sides for aesthetic purposes. The asymmetry drove Lexa crazy.

Clarke smiled at the silly thought and snuggled in closer.

“Can you believe it, Clarke?” Lexa whimsically murmured into Clarke’s hair as she subconsciously fingered the empty spot reserved for Clarke’s next mark. “Soon we’ll be free…”

And that was the main reason that Clarke couldn’t bring herself to tell Lexa about Aiden. They’d worked so hard toward that point and if Aiden survived the Conclave, their family would still be right there, smack in the middle of everything.

Clarke tightened her hold on Lexa.

The Conclave was going to tear her family apart.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Non-graphic mentions of sexual assault and violence.

 

_Time passes by way too fast._

They’d been so busy; caught up in preparation for all the tourists that would come and the fact that Polis now had electricity and everyone wanted gadgets and appliances to power up. Way more than Arkadia could possibly produce on such a large scale and in such a short timeframe.

Lexa travelled almost consistently for a year and Clarke joined her on three of the shorter trips, electing to stay home with Jake the rest of the time, so he wouldn’t be without both of them for too long.

And then it was the big Winter, which seemed to be shorter than they’d ever had. They were trapped in Polis and Lexa spent her time training with Aiden, sometimes Anya, and even managed to wrangle Jake into learning a few self-defence moves. Lexa was happiest when she was snowed-in with her family and how could Clarke ruin that tradition for them all?

Not even when they’d had to push the Conclave back by a few months, because the candidate from the Valley Clan had died and they had requested time to choose someone else and investigate the matter, had Clarke been able to say the words.

The closer they got to the date, the more Lexa’s spirits seemed to lift and the heavier Clarke’s guilt settled in her stomach. Truth was, it was too late to say anything. Clarke would need to convince Aiden to confess.

Granted, Aiden had milked every second of his time with the Commander. They trained harder – which Lexa was exhilarated about – and Aiden took his job as Lexa’s personal assistant seriously, which only added to Lexa’s exhilaration. Their bond grew stronger, along with Clarke’s trepidation, because Aiden had become even more determined to be Heda, where Clarke had hoped that time and the boring administration and politics of it all, would change his mind.

Before they knew it, the stadium was ready, the villages around Polis were set to take in all the tourists and they were one week away from the opening ceremony.

Roan’s delegation arrived first and Lexa received them in the throne room, Clarke and Aiden at either side of her. More often than not, it was she and Aiden flanking the Commander in their home. _‘My blondes’_ Lexa liked to teasingly refer to them, while she made people listen to her bragging about anything Clarke or Aiden might’ve recently done.

Lexa was proud of all her children and she made sure that everyone knew it. It would’ve been exasperating – annoying even - had it not come across as so incredibly endearing. Because even though Lexa was the pillar of strength and support that allowed them all to reach for their goals, she never made their achievements about herself. She spoke as though she was a spectator looking in from the outside, perpetually in awe and delighted of what they’d accomplished.

Grunt travelled frequently, and when he was home, he focused on training and managing the Polis Guard. Though he knew Lexa’s wishes by heart, he wasn’t one for the smalltalk that passed in between official meetings. Clarke didn’t blame him. He was still an excellent Gonheda without having been sucked into all the politics and pretence.

Lexa had offered Clarke a throne of her own, which she had respectfully declined. There was only one Heda, not two ruling together. Clarke didn’t need a throne to know the part she played in keeping their people safe and how much Lexa valued her efforts. She was a leader within the alliance, who held a pivotal role in its functioning, not a trophy wife to be displayed. If Lexa had taught her one thing, it was that aesthetics mattered. Clarke sitting on a throne that had never existed before, would risk reducing her to only the Heda’s houmon in the people’s eyes.

Roan introduced his novitiate as Ilian kom Azgeda. A tall and handsome man with dark, shaggy, long hair that fell into his neck. Ilian looked in his early thirties and wore his numerous battle scars with pride. That was just another worry for Clarke, as Aiden had no real-life battle experience. Though he’d helped defend the Commander’s delegation against chancing raiders a few times, that was him fighting alongside warriors who protected him as the Commander’s son. Aiden had never even killed a man and Clarke chose to naively hope that he would never need to.

After Roan left to get settled and enjoy Polis before it became too crowded, Aiden glanced at Clarke, whose stomach knotted painfully. She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat and gave him a stiff nod in support.

Aiden stepped down from the dais and went to stand in front of Lexa.

“Heda, may I request a moment of your time?” Aiden stood with his hands folded behind his back, looking like the perfect soldier as he stared at a spear tip on Lexa’s throne.

Clarke’s heart thudded aching stabs against her ribs.

Lexa looked on confusedly at Aiden’s formal behaviour, as it was only the three of them in the room.

“Of course…” Lexa frowned, already suspicious and a little worried as she rose from the throne, most likely to move over to the couch so they could talk.

“No, Nomon.” Aiden murmured, eyes fearfully glancing to Clarke and then back to Lexa. “I wish to address the Commander. Please.” He formally bowed to her.

Lexa looked at Clarke, who kept her gaze firmly on Aiden, knowing that she would break the second she met those worried green eyes.

Receiving no reaction from Clarke, Lexa lowered back into her seat and nodded.

“At ease, gona.” Lexa smiled encouragingly, trying to calm his obvious nerves. “What do you wish to discuss with your Heda?”

Both Aiden and Clarke inhaled a deep, fortifying, breath.

“I want to be a novitiate in the Conclave.” Aiden just _blurted_ it out and Clarke wasn’t even remotely ready yet. Her heart jumped, sped up, and furiously tried to escape her chest.

_And what the fuck, Aiden? You couldn’t have eased us into it?_

“I hope that you will give me your endorsement to enter my name.” Aiden lifted his chin, looking more confident than Clarke had ever seen him.

There was silence. A thick, suffocating silence that had Clarke's chest aching at the dread and hope swirling in Aiden’s eyes. And yet, Clarke let out a breath of relief when Lexa's firm _‘no’_ echoed throughout the throne room.

Clarkes relief was fleeting though, when she saw the hurt and betrayal on Aiden’s face as his shoulders instantly drooped.

“Nomon... _Beja_...” Aiden’s voice broke and so did Clarke’s heart.

“I said, _no_ , Aiden.” Lexa lowly growled, rigid with tension.

Aiden had tears in his eyes that Clarke knew he wouldn’t let fall. They’d anticipated Lexa’s resistance; Aiden had mentally and emotionally prepared for it and still it completely devastated him. Clarke felt his pain as her own as she watched him stand there with clenched fists and jaw.

Neither of them had expected the cold refusal. Clarke had thought there would be an argument at least. A chance for Aiden to plead his case. Lexa usually listened and asked questions and then stated her own reasoning, before she made up her mind about anything. She did it so that their children - and Clarke - would fully understand _why_ she had denied them.

They _really_ shouldn’t have waited as long to tell Lexa.

Aiden abruptly spun on his heel and stalked out of the room. The tension remained though as Lexa continued to stare at the door he had left through, while Clarke stared at Lexa.

“Go talk to him,” Lexa vacantly stated. “He won’t want to see me right now.”

* * *

Aiden refused to open his door for Clarke and she decided to give him some space and went to look for Lexa, who was nowhere to be found. Both of them defiantly showed up for dinner though, stoic masks of impassivity in place.

It was only Grunt, Abby and Kane who joined them that night, as they did almost every night. Raven had arrived at sunset to help set up the stadium, but had eaten earlier and retired to her room after her journey. Everyone else would be arriving throughout the week, so they at least had the house to themselves to deal with the family drama.

Lexa sat at her usual place at the head of the table, Clarke and Jake flanked her that night. Aiden sat next to Jake and Anya next to Clarke.

“The novitiate from the Ice Nation seems like an excellent candidate.” Grunt decided to break the tense silence over the dinner table. Not everyone knew what was going on, but they could definitely sense that something was very wrong. “I saw him sparring at the Pits earlier. He’s been in King Roan’s guard since he was a boy.”

“Yes, Roan has much faith in him.” Lexa agreed, continuing to cut through her food with her knife and fork and not eating anything.

Aiden glared at Lexa, his expression achingly wounded. He then abruptly stood from his chair, the noise as it scraped backwards on its legs surprised everyone, but Lexa’s only reaction was her utensils pausing their meticulous cutting.

“ _Set daun_ , Aiden.” Lexa calmly ordered, not looking at him as his chest heaved with emotion like he was about to burst.

Everyone stared at Aiden in shock, and he lasted all of five seconds before he stiffly lowered back into his seat to silently glare at his food. He always obeyed Lexa. Clarke realised then, that she couldn’t remember Aiden ever having defied his Nomon. Jake had already given them more trouble than Aiden ever had, which only made it worse that Aiden was asking for this one thing now; fighting to do this one thing and have it be denied him.

He was nineteen. Almost twenty, because Lexa had for some reason chosen to postpone the Conclave for longer than the Valley Clan had requested. Aiden was technically and adult. Did they even have a right to prevent him from doing this? He still lived in their home though, but parental consent was also an entirely different thing from getting the Heda’s permission to be in her Conclave.

Clarke had no idea what to do. Lexa was ignoring her existence, so Clarke looked toward Abby who already had concerned eyes trained on the situation. It made Clarke look away again, because that night she would need to mediate things between Aiden and Lexa. Abby would have to wait for more information.

“Aiden?” Jake hesitantly queried and Aiden inhaled a calming breath to not upset his little brother and sent him a wobbly smile.

Lexa finally looked up from her finely diced meal. “Did you know that Cook used the carrots from your garden for tonight’s dinner?” She asked Jake and as always, his eyes excitedly widened.

He’d picked up a bit more weight and Lexa had started a garden with him so that he could grow his own vegetables for the family. It was their thing, along with their love of reading. And Lexa’s plan was working, so they at least knew that even if Jake was overweight, he was at least eating a healthy, balanced diet.

“These are _Jake’s_ carrots?” Anya added on and immediately dished more into her plate.

The table erupted in false excitement as everyone passed the bowl along and dished carrots until there was nothing left and Jake beamed at them all while he enthusiastically ate the fruit of his labours.

All while Clarke sat torn, feeling lost and needing to comfort her wife and son. If only they would let her.

* * *

Lexa was first to slip away after dinner, Aiden followed soon after, leaving Clarke to enlighten the family.

Because Jake was right there, everyone kept their worries inside, but Clarke knew that she would be talking to each of them the next day. Whether she wanted to or not.

Anya offered to settle Jake for the night, and Clarke sincerely thanked her before she went in search of Aiden.

He allowed her entry to his room that time, and Clarke drew his desk chair up again to sit in front of him.

“She just said no…” He dejectedly whispered.

“She was shocked. And she’s scared.” Clarke defended. “From what she’s told me, the other candidates had all fought in the war between the Iron Clan and the Plainriders, some were even at the Battle for Polis. They’re veteran warriors and I know that you’re a great fighter Aiden, but technique isn’t all that matters, especially when the stakes are this high…”

“You didn’t have _any_ experience when you entered the tournament to become Nomon’s.” He rightfully accused.

Clarke chuckled dryly.

“I was arrogant, stupid and _lucky_ , Aiden. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Do you know how often I almost died in that tournament?”

“But you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t.” Clarke agreed. “Thanks to your Aunt Ekko, your Nomon and a sacrifice made by Garrus kom Azgeda. And this isn’t me being modest. I’m ten times the warrior now than I was back then. I was _extremely_ lucky. Every warrior in that tournament outclassed me. Your Nomon saved my life when she stepped in to fight the Mountain. You can’t compare what you want to do now with me floundering my way through that tournament. I technically won only three of my matches. And only one of those was based on actual skill and even that was because my opponent had grossly underestimated me.”

“I’m not backing down, Mom. I’ve trained hard for this… I _need_ to do this.”

“I’m certain that your nomon will give her support once you’re older, Aiden. But for now, you need Heda’s endorsement to enter.”

“No… The rules state that I need the endorsement of an alliance leader… I had read the communication Nomon had sent to the clans very carefully.”

Clarke sat upright and stared at him in horror. “Aiden… I can’t…”

“Just think about it, Mom, _please_.” He looked so desperate and hopeful again that Clarke couldn’t say no. She couldn’t say yes either.

“I’ll think about it.” Clarke huskily conceded.

* * *

When Clarke entered their room, Lexa was busy making up the couch, already dressed in pyjamas.

“You _knew_.” Lexa quietly seethed, grabbing her pillow from the bed and walking over to throw it down onto the couch.

“He asked me to give him time to tell you.” Clarke sadly confessed as she watched Lexa lay out a blanket next.

“He gets this from you, you know.” Lexa absently accused. “This insanity to constantly place yourselves in harm’s way. Why do you insist on doing this to me?”

It wasn’t much of an accusation, not with all the hopelessness and fear in the statement.

“Maybe because it isn't about you?” Clarke replied as gently as she could.

Lexa lowered down to sit on the couch and placed her hands in her hair.

“Obviously we want to make you proud of us.” Clarke softly spoke, they weren’t yelling yet, so that was a good sign. “You inspire us to be the best we can be; to want to protect our people; and ever since he could walk, our boy has been trying to follow in your footsteps...”

Lexa sat quietly, her arms and hair hiding her face and Clarke just wanted to go to her, but Lexa had drawn a line Clarke wouldn’t cross. She’d been wrong not to tell Lexa. So very wrong. Lexa hadn’t deserved to be blindsided like that.

“I know you understand why I can’t support this.” Lexa finally spoke, dropping her hands from her head and looked at Clarke with teary eyes. “But I also know that you will support him, because of who you are and your belief in choices. I cannot and will not change my mind, Clarke. I will not allow Aiden to fight in this Conclave. And we will argue tonight and go to bed angry. So, I hope we can skip all of that and I'll just sleep on the couch.”

Lexa's been relegated to the couch many times over the years. They were both stubborn and butted heads frequently. Even when Clarke was in the wrong, Lexa would assign herself the couch and Clarke would feel like shit.

Clarke didn’t want to sleep apart. Clarke wanted to hold Lexa and tell her that everything would be okay. Even when Clarke didn’t know that. Clarke needed Lexa to hold her right back, because Lexa wasn’t going to change her mind and Aiden was going to resent her for it and the thought of that was almost as scary as the Conclave itself.

Lexa didn’t wait for a response and instead laid down on the couch and pulled the blankets over herself, turning her back on Clarke.

* * *

“Has Leksa spoken to you about this?” Clarke tentatively asked Abby the next day.

She, Raven, and her mother, sat in Abby and Kane’s private lounge, sipping on tea Clarke couldn’t taste. Lexa had been gone when she woke up that morning, late, because Clarke only succumbed to an exhausted sleep as the sun came up.

Clarke was certain Lexa hadn’t slept at all.

“She hasn’t…” Abby answered. “But if she does, I’ll support her in this decision.”

Clarke sighed. Unsurprised.

“Honestly, Clarke,” Raven added. “I don’t think anyone is surprised that Aiden wants to do this, but I have to agree with Lexa too. He doesn’t need to be doing this right now. What was the point of all of our sacrifice back then, only for him to become another teenage Commander like his mother?”

Abby nodded her agreement.

“I barely survived you entering that tournament, Clarke.” She reminded. “I’m not going through that again with my grandson. I doubt I’ll survive it this time.”

“Please don’t tell Aiden that, Mom. He’s going through enough as it is.”

“You know your kids are my favourites, Griffin.” Raven attempted to lighten the mood. “The Blakes know and accept this. So believe me when I say that I would gladly kidnap that boy of yours and keep him in Arkadia until he sees reason.”

“He doesn’t know what he wants.” Abby tagged on. “He can wait another ten years and gain some life experience first.”

“Don’t dismiss him like that.” Clarke mumbled, feeling under attack.

“I meant no offense.”

“I know you didn’t, but do you guys honestly think that I want him in _any_ Conclave? Whether he’s nineteen or forty, I still wouldn’t want that for him. But this isn’t about what you, Leksa, or I, want. This is about Aiden and the path he’s chosen for himself.”

Abby sat back and studied her daughter for a long moment, while Raven somewhat guiltily looked away and studied a painting on the wall.

“He’s not you, Clarke.” Abby murmured. “I know I made many mistakes back then. Mistakes that made you feel as though I didn’t believe in you.”

Clarke sighed again and swallowed the tea she’d forgotten to put any sugar in yet couldn’t be bothered to correct her mistake.

“But this is different.” Abby continued. “He doesn’t need to do this now. None of us deserve to go through that horror again.”

Raven solemnly nodded.

“Well, Leksa isn’t going to allow him to enter, so you have nothing to worry about.”

* * *

Clarke sat at Echo’s kitchen table, sipping on yet another cup of tea. Echo, at least, had noticed Clarke’s zombie-like state, and had prepared the warm beverage the way Clarke liked it.

“It’s not like Leksa would’ve allowed anyone in the Conclave that didn’t deserve to be there…” Clarke mused. “Whoever wins will be a good Heda and Aiden could wait for a few years to take over from them…”

“I agree that he could wait.” Echo acknowledged. “But not to worry you, Clarke, but you know Heda. If Leksa told the clan leaders who should enter the Conclave, she might as well just choose her successor herself.”

Clarke softly groaned, because of course. The times she’d gone with Lexa to meet with the leadership and their respective candidates, Lexa hadn’t offered an opinion unless she was asked. And the only clan leader who had asked Lexa’s opinion on whether their candidate should be entered or not, had been Hector. And Lexa had replied that she trusted his judgement and said nothing else about the large warrior who looked as though he’d fought in every war since the beginning of time and could kill a man with his pinkie finger.

Even the tasks assigned to the candidates weren’t designed to be elimination rounds. They were just there to give Lexa an idea of who the novitiates were, their mental skills and morals. The outcome of those tasks only mattered if someone won who had failed them in Lexa’s subjective opinion. At which point Lexa had indicated she would finally step in.

Echo was right. Lexa wouldn’t dictate who the clan leaders nominated. Meaning that if Clarke endorsed Aiden, he could possibly come up against a bunch of homicidal maniacs.

The clan leaders may have indicated that they wanted someone who shared Lexa’s values, but they also wanted to win. Though they trusted Lexa, Clarke knew that they didn’t trust each other.

“Do you think I should endorse him?”

“Heda will not be pleased.”

“That’s putting it lightly.” Clarke huffed.

“I don’t know, Clarke.” Echo murmured. “I was scared the entire time you were in that tournament.”

“ _What_?” Clarke laughed in disbelief. “You were _encouraging_ me from the start.”

“You’d already entered yourself, so I stayed strong for you.”

Clarke smiled softly at her sister and the bestest friend to have ever befriended anyone, but then frowned.

“Are you saying that Aiden just needs someone to stay strong for him during the Conclave, or that he needs me to be strong for him now and say no?”

Echo laughed. “I’m saying that this is not my decision to make and that I’m very happy that Wrex is too young to even consider entering this Conclave.”

* * *

Clarke sipped on her third cup of tea in her studio. She hadn’t been able to eat anything the entire day and hoped the hot liquid would be enough to keep her from passing out. Opposite her, Anya sat whittling away at a piece of wood in an attempt to work out her concern and frustration.

In one corner of the studio, Clarke had a large display of the wooden figurines both Lexa and Anya had made her. Aiden didn’t have an artistic bone in his body, but would bring her trinkets from his travels with the Commander’s delegation. And Jake, well, Jake brought Clarke the prettiest rocks, many shiny like marble. She suspected that Lexa would guide him in his searches, and Clarke had never thought she would find rocks as beautiful as she did all of the ones that Jake would present her with.

She looked back at Anya’s concentrated frown and her heart filled with so much, because her children were perfect with such strong and individual personalities. She’d had to have done something right, right? They were proof that she was a good mother… And if her instincts were telling her to stand by Aiden, well, that didn’t mean that she was being the worst parent by supporting her son in something that could possibly get him killed… _Right?_

Clarke tried to get out of her head and watched the expert way Anya handled the carving knife. Lexa had gotten it for her on her fourteenth birthday. Made from the finest Azgeda steel and guaranteed to last lifetimes with proper care.

Anya had adopted all of Lexa’s coping mechanisms when she was feeling stressed, or just needed to clear her head. It had started when she came into their lives at seven years old and had flipped it completely upside down…

* * *

Clarke paced outside the white curtains in the small hospital room, running her hands through her hair.

“Everything okay?” Lexa’s soft voice broke into her thoughts.

Clarke had sent word up to the house that she’d be working late. It was probably close to midnight already and the surprise at Lexa’s presence evaporated. Clarke didn’t usually work late unless things were really bad.

“No… Everything’s not okay.” Clarke murmured, gently took hold of Lexa’s arm and guided her away from the privacy curtains.

The hospital was quiet; only a night nurse and healer to keep an eye on their patients.

Lexa patiently waited for Clarke to explain.

“They brought in a family today who’d been attacked by raiders. They lived out on the road to the Desert Clan.”

“I was informed, yes.” Lexa nodded, brow furrowed in concern.

“Of course.” Clarke mumbled, tiredly running her hand through her hair again. Clarke had needed to call in the Polis guard, which probably aggravated the situation, but she needed to work fast and it still hadn’t been enough.

“I heard that the man died on the way here and we lost his houmon a few hours ago… I was to understand that the little girl’s injuries were treatable…” Lexa seemed to know more than Clarke did about what had happened leading up to the family’s hospital admission.

“The woman had been assaulted, both physically and sexually.”

Lexa swallowed thickly and nodded that she knew that.

“The patrol reported that they had heard her screams.” Lexa whispered as she continued to catch Clarke up. “The man was unconscious and on the brink of death. Six raiders ran off on their approach and half the squadron went in pursuit and they’ve all been captured.”

Clarke wanted to feel relief, but it didn’t come. The Commander upheld strict laws on violent crimes especially, it was the only way to maintain control and protect the vulnerable. And since they were caught red-handed, the perpetrators would be on the Cutting Tree in the morning. But there would still be a little girl without a family and way too many horrid memories to live with.

“They said that when they entered the home, the girl had a dagger in her hand, covered in blood, and was…” Lexa’s jaw twitched. “They said she was still stabbing the man on top of her mother.”

Clarke closed her eyes and Lexa tenderly pulled her into a one-armed hug.

“She stabbed two of the patrol members too, Leks.” Clarke murmured against Lexa’s chest. “They’re okay, but the only reason she allowed herself to be transported here, was because her mom regained consciousness long enough to talk her down. She seemed to have only kept fighting for her life until they got Anya to the hospital. I tried to save her, I tried so hard, but…”

Lexa shushed her and wrapped her arms fully around Clarke, making herself bigger so Clarke could turn into her body for comfort.

“Her name is Onya?” Lexa hoarsely whispered.

Clarke nodded and held Lexa tighter.

“She’s refusing to let go of the dagger. She attacked the healer who tried to examine her. And I need to check, Leks. I need to check that she’s okay and she won’t let me.”

“She knows about her mother?” Lexa asked.

Clarke nodded again.

“May I see her?” Lexa requested and Clarke reluctantly pulled away from Lexa’s warmth.

“I just need her to give up the knife… If she won’t, I’m going to need to forcibly take it from her and then restrain her and I don’t think she needs that experience on top of everything else that’s happened today.”

Lexa took Clarke’s hand and squeezed it. “She’s back there?” Lexa inclined her head toward the curtains.

Clarke nodded again.

“Will you grant me a moment alone with her?” Lexa asked.

Clarke wasn’t sure why she was afraid that Lexa couldn’t handle herself against a little girl with a dagger, but Clarke also knew how soft Lexa was and would probably get herself stabbed as to not hurt Anya any more than she already had been. She decided to trust Lexa, though. Aiden was eight years old, and Lexa was great with him. Children have always loved her.

“Okay, I’ll wait here.” Clarke agreed and couldn’t help but smile a little when Lexa tenderly kissed her forehead before heading toward the tiny patient.

Clarke pulled up a chair and watched Lexa disappear behind the curtains. The section had been cleared and the few other patients had been moved. Still, it wasn’t like they were in a separate room. And Clarke could make out the low melody of Lexa’s voice as she quietly spoke to the girl.

Clarke could even imagine it. Lexa’s eyes flashing with shock and empathy when she first laid eyes on Anya sat on the hospital bed, covered in dirt, blood and bruises, clutching onto her dagger with an almost feral intensity.

Clarke sighed and leaned back into the chair, Lexa’s soft tones lulling her to sleep.

She was woken by a day nurse starting her shift. Clarke blinked and squinted against the sunlight streaming in from the windows. She thanked the nurse for the tea she was given and gave her instructions for the day.

Clarke didn’t need to look to know that Lexa was still behind the curtains, so when the nurse left, Clarke walked up to them.

“Leks?” She whispered.

A moment later, the curtains parted to reveal Lexa’s bloodshot eyes and tired face. Clarke glanced passed her to where Anya lay sleeping, dagger pulled against her chest like a teddy bear.

And that really couldn’t be safe, right?

“I’m going to stay with her today.” Lexa softly declared. “I promised her. Let her sleep and I’ll see if she feels up for an examination later.”

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek. Anya didn’t seem to have any critical wounds on her body, other than a few bruises. The blood she was covered in, wasn’t her own. Getting some rest _would_ help her…

“I’ll go get Aiden ready for school.” Clarke whispered. “The staff have been instructed to give her space and Nurse Senna will be in Ward One if you need anything before I’m back.”

“Mochof, ai Hod.” Lexa murmured and pressed a kiss to Clarke’s cheek before retreating back to Anya’s bedside as the curtain dropped between them.

When Clarke returned two hours later, Lexa was still there and Anya was awake.

“Onya, this is my houmon, Clarke.” Lexa casually introduce them.

Anya’s wary eyes darted to Clarke then back to Lexa.

“Hei, Onya. How are you feeling today?” Clarke mimicked Lexa’s tone.

Anya didn’t reply, instead she gripped her dagger tightly and looked to Lexa for direction.

“Clarke is the best Healer in all of the clans and we’re both very worried that you’re hurt. Would it be okay if she checked you for injury?” Lexa gently asked.

Anya pulled her knees to her chest and shifted as far up against the wall as she could. _Away_ from Clarke.

Lexa gave no reaction to the clear _no_ , they were given.

“Will it be okay if Clarke came closer?” Lexa queried and took a small step closer herself; testing the waters as Anya decisively shook her head ‘no’.

“What if I checked? Would that be okay? You seem fine, _Yujon_ , but I worry, so you’ll be doing me a favour if you allow me to make sure. Please?

 _Yujon_. Strong one. Clarke would’ve smiled if she wasn’t close to tears, because Anya had grown to trust Lexa so much in so little time and jerkily nodded yes to her request to put the Heda’s mind at ease.

Lexa started her examination at Anya’s feet, quietly murmuring reassurances and praise, making sure to ask questions Anya could either nod or shake her head too. Lexa had been trained in quick triage on a battlefield and was doing a great job as Clarke silently made mental notes for Anya’s file.

The dagger, though, was so close to Lexa’s body that Clarke couldn’t relax.

Lexa noted out loud that Anya’s clothes, though dirty, were still intact and that there were no signs that she’d been physically restrained. Lexa even asked Anya if the men had hurt her and Clarke’s spine almost broke under the strain when Anya nodded yes.

Lexa remained outwardly calm though and asked her where, and Anya pointed to the bruises on her jaw and left eye and then touched the top of her head. When she stopped right there, Clarke could practically feel Lexa’s relief as the Heda let out a low chuckle – tired and broken.

“But you showed them, didn’t you, Yujon?” Lexa murmured, smiling proudly and tenderly squeezed Anya’s shoulder, seemingly forgetting that Clarke was even there.

Anya timidly smiled back and her eyes fluttered closed as she leaned into Lexa’s touch.

Clarke slipped out of the curtains, certain that Lexa didn’t even notice her gone.

Lexa didn’t leave Anya’s side for five days. They cleaned up together in the hospital bathroom and Lexa convinced Anya to change her clothes. She even got Anya to place her dagger down on the cabinet next to her hospital bed. Lexa announced that she would only eat when Anya ate, so when Clarke took them food, Anya reached for it first and smiled when Lexa grinned back at her.

The Heda saw no one else and placed Grunt in charge while she was gone.

Clarke didn’t approve of what was happening at all, and Lexa was refusing to leave Anya, so Clarke couldn’t even talk to her about it.

The tipping point came one morning when Clarke entered the hospital after having spent another night alone in bed and dropping Aiden at school and dodging his numerous queries on why his Nomon was in Polis, but wasn’t at home.

She walked in on Lexa beating the shit out of a healer.

“Heda!” Clarke growled to announce herself and sure enough, Lexa calmed at her voice, blinking at the man cowering on the floor. Behind them, Anya stood with her dagger in hand, glaring at the healer. Her tiny chest heaved and dark eyes flickered with terror and determination.

“My apologies.” Lexa mumbled to Clarke and then turned to Anya, softening entirely like someone had flipped a switch. “It’s okay.” She assured as she walked back to Anya and they disappeared into their cocoon behind the curtains.

Clarke knew that what was happening, wasn’t healthy for either Anya or Lexa. She’d need to put her foot down and soon. But first she bent to help the healer up, who explained that Anya was having a nightmare and Lexa – exhausted – was passed out on her chair. He’d gone to rouse Lexa and Anya had woken and seen him sneaking up on the Heda and had attacked. He’d been defending himself against the girl with her dagger when Lexa woke and misunderstood _everything_.

Clarke apologised, patched him up and sent him home, before she entered through the curtains.

“Onya has been released from the hospital.” Clarke announced to the two of them where Lexa had been quietly murmuring to Anya.

Clarke tried her best not to react to the slightly panicked and confused look Lexa sent her way before the Commander masked her features again.

“We require the space to treat our other patients and offer them the dignity and privacy they deserve during their convalescence.”

Feeling guilty, Clarke turned to Anya and smiled. “You’ve been a very brave girl, Onya. Your wounds have healed and Heda will make sure to find you a safe place to stay.”

It was the wrong way to go about it, Clarke knew that, but she couldn’t allow things to continue on as they had been. She ignored Lexa’s glare and swallowed her guilt when Anya’s stricken face looked to Lexa for reassurance as to where she would be taken, and Clarke quickly left again.

Lexa caught up with her moments later.

“Why are you doing this?” Lexa lowly queried.

“She’s healthy. This is a hospital.”

Lexa looked at her as though Clarke had suddenly become a stranger.

“Her injuries aren’t physical. She still needs help, Clarke.”

“She does. But she won’t find it here. You need to place her with a family who can offer her the love and safety that she requires.”

“She’s not ready for that yet.”

“She’s not ready? That little girl is stronger than most adults I know. Is _she_ the one who isn’t ready, Leksa, or is it _you_?” Clarke accused.

“What are you implying?”

“I’m telling you that you shielding her like you have been is causing her more harm than good and that maybe you need to be thinking about why you’re doing that. She isn’t the first child in the clans to have been handed a shitty deal in life.”

“Are you saying I should just ignore her because others have gone through the same?”

“You’re being deliberately obtuse, Leksa. It doesn’t suit you.” Clarke snapped. “You’re only strengthening that poor girl’s dependence on you, even while you ignore the child you have at home, asking for you every single night before bed, because you weren’t there to tuck him in.”

Lexa’s face fell and her defensive posture relaxed into weariness.

“Clarke…”

“No. Fix this. And please vacate my hospital so my people can do their jobs without fear of the Commander attacking them.” Clarke demanded, then turned and walked away.

When she went to check a few hours later, they were gone. And when she went home that night, it was to Lexa and Aiden seated at the dinner table. Clarke would’ve laughed at Aiden’s overly-excited ramblings about _every single thing_ Lexa had missed about his week, if it wasn’t for the fact that Anya also sat at the table.

Clarke swallowed her anger at the decision that had been made without any consultation with her whatsoever and sat down stiffly, smiling at both children.

Anya was already staring at her every movement with dark, sage, eyes, belying her young age.

Later that night, Clarke paced their bedroom while Lexa read to Aiden after having situated Anya in the room right next to his.

“ _Seriously_ , Leksa?!” Clarke shouted the instant Lexa entered. She only grew angrier that Lexa had the audacity to look surprised at her outburst.

“You said to settle her with a family that could love her and keep her safe.”

“And what? I don’t have a say? Aiden doesn’t have a say? Aren’t we part of this family?”

Lexa guiltily glanced away.

“That girl is dangerous!” Clarke growled out her frustration. “And I know it isn’t her fault and that she would never hurt anyone on purpose, but she’s traumatised. She needs help! What happens if Aiden does something that triggers her and she draws her dagger on him? Did you even think about that before _you_ decided to bring her into _our_ home?”

“She gave her dagger to me, Clarke. Do you know how much trust that took? Was I supposed to take it and go drop her off with strangers? She won’t hurt Aiden. I _know_ she won’t and even if she tried, Aiden can defend himself. But, they were together the entire day and just being in our home and with Aiden has done wonders for her recovery.”

Clarke couldn’t believe it. How could Lexa not see the severity of the situation? She huffed and spun on her heel, stalking toward Lexa’s desk. She ripped open a drawer, rifled through it and pulled out one of Lexa’s older journals. Opening it more gently than her other actions had been, Clarke took out the sketch inside, placed it on the cover, walked back to Lexa and shoved both at her.

Lexa frowned, took the journal and sketch of Costia she’d been presented with, but instead of looking at it, she confusedly stared at Clarke.

“Her name is _Onya_ and she looks _exactly_ like Kostia.” Clarke accused and Lexa’s frown deepened. “Tell me that your need to save her has nothing to do with them.”

Lexa’s features went blank and she stared at Clarke so long that Clarke awkwardly shifted under the gaze, before Lexa looked down at the sketch and her face very noticeably softened. Lexa’s eyes twinkled and a small smile tugged at her lips before she reverently ran her fingers over the sketch pressed against the book.

Something broke inside of Clarke’s chest and she took a step back at the overwhelming pain. Lexa didn’t even notice as she lovingly stared at her first love, before she tenderly placed the sketch back into the journal and let it rest against her hip.

Lexa then looked at Clarke, softness gone and the mask of the Commander staring back in a way that had Clarke questioning _everything_ about the life they’d built together.

“I was wrong.” Lexa spoke, clearly enunciating with no inflection as though they were at a clan meeting. “I handled this incorrectly. I disrespected you in your place of work as well as in our home and for that I apologise.” Lexa admitted and Clarke didn’t feel any sense of victory. “I should’ve consulted your medical opinion and I should’ve discussed with you what I intended to do with Onya and why I was doing it. I make no excuses, but I want you to understand that I could not leave her side to have that conversation with you, and if I’m being honest, I feared that you wouldn’t understand my reasons. But my actions have made things even worse, and for that, I’m sorry.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say. Her chest was still hurting and she felt close to tears and she knew if words left her mouth she might lose it altogether. Because the way Lexa had looked at that sketch…

“Her name had only caused a brief curiosity.” Lexa continued. “Had she had any other, I doubt anything from this past week would’ve played out differently.”

So it _was_ about Costia then… Clarke grinded her teeth together; eyes burning. She wanted to leave the room, but remained stuck while she watched Lexa’s fingers lovingly trace the journal.

“I honestly had never made a connection between her and Kostia.” Lexa softly stated and Clarke dubiously looked into her face again. “Perhaps to those who never knew her, they share similar features.” The hand not holding the journal moved up to absently touch Lexa’s chest. “But not to me, because Kostia’s face will remain forever sketched into my heart.”

Clarke’s stomach violently knotted. She wanted to throw up. She wanted to _leave_. Because they had been together for almost ten years and still she lived in the shadow of a dead woman.

“To me, there’s no resemblance at all.” Lexa seemed unable to hold her mask any longer and her shoulders defeatedly slumped. “I love you, Clarke.” She said it so earnestly Clarke’s eyes grew wet. “I love you more than I’ve loved anyone.”

Lexa wouldn’t lie. Not about that. Not even to get out of an argument and a thick knot got stuck in Clarke’s throat as she shakily nodded her tears free, feeling both validated and intensely ashamed.

“I forgot myself and the duty I had to you and Aiden this week, because that little girl doesn’t remind me of Onya, or Kostia.” Lexa slowly inhaled as though gathering her strength. “She reminds me of myself.”

Clarke drew in a wet, shuddering, breath; the ache in her chest only amplifying as teary green eyes begged her to understand.

Clarke knew that the former Heda’s men had come to Lexa’s home village and had killed Lexa’s parents, leaving her all alone in the world. Clarke knew that Lexa had seen it all happen from her hiding place in the floorboards.

“ _Leks…_ ” Clarke rasped, tears streaming down her face in realisation.

“She reminds me of myself and yet she’s so much stronger than I ever was, Clarke.” Lexa tremulously smiled. “Where I was so terrified I could barely breathe as they slaughtered my family, Onya had fought her attackers… She had tried to save her nomon…” Lexa’s face crumbled and Clarke swiftly closed the distance and wrapped Lexa up in her arms.

Clarke held her tightly as Lexa cried, emotionally exhausted by the week she’d had.

“You did the right thing. Our people needed you to survive. _Choose your battles_ , remember? _You_ taught me that. God, Leks, you were only a child. Onya’s only a child, neither of you should’ve ever been placed in that situation to begin with.”

Lexa let out a sobbing chuckle and pulled slightly back.

“I know, Clarke.” She conceded. “It still doesn’t change how I feel sometimes.”

Clarke nodded, resisting the urge to pull Lexa back into her neck. Lexa’s tears always wrecked her.

“I was fortunate enough to have Onya find me back then and take me into her home.” Lexa softly continued. “Onya may not always have been soft with her words, but she had made me feel safe and protected at a time where I’d needed it most.”

Clarke really wished they’d spoken about everything sooner. She’d known that Lexa wouldn’t become so invested for no reason. Lexa had seen enough of their people’s struggle to have long since learned to control her empathic nature in a way that helped them without crossing any personal boundaries. Clarke had known that Anya _mattered_ to Lexa and her insecurities had had her _horribly_ misconstrue why that was.

Lexa had admitted she had handled it wrong, but so had Clarke. She would need to make it up to Lexa. She would apologise later, but for now, Lexa needed understanding more.

“And now you want to be there for the Yujon too.” Clarke stated as she let a thumb gently brush over Lexa’s wet cheek. Lexa smiled shakily at Clarke’s use of the nickname, before she seemed to grow nervous.

“Just for a few months, Clarke, until the ground beneath her feet has settled and she’s able to trust again…”

Clarke almost laughed in her face. Lexa seemed to genuinely think that it would be temporary. It was very clear to Clarke that Lexa would never be able to let Anya go.

“We’ll be there for her together.” Clarke promised and pulled Lexa back against her chest.

* * *

Anya had proven to be even more protective of Aiden than she was of Lexa. Even though Aiden had about a year on her in age. The two were inseparable. When Anya wasn’t playing with Aiden, she was making soap with Lexa as they learned to heal together.

It took a while for Clarke to allow herself to get closer to Anya, because of the immense guilt she felt for ever having thought to just send her away. Clarke grew to love her though, as she watched Anya with her wife and son, while they coached her beautiful personality out of its protective shell.

And late one night, when Clarke left her studio, the house already quiet with peacefully sleeping bodies, Clarke followed the tiny whimpers coming from Anya’s room. She carefully climbed into bed with the small girl and pulled her against her chest.

“ _Klark?”_ Anya’s shaky little voice whispered in surprise and Clarke stilled for a moment in doubt, before she relaxed again.

 _“Ai gada yu, Yujon…”_ Clarke soothingly murmured, gently kissed the top of Anya’s head and felt her heart grow infinitely larger when Anya instantly melted against her body.

* * *

“Mom?” Anya’s voice pulled Clarke out of her memories.

“Sorry, what did you say, Honey?” Clarke replied, noticing that the wood and knife had been placed aside.

“I said that we both know that you’re going to endorse Aiden.”

Clarke sighed. Yeh, they both did know that.

“If I go to your Nomon and tell her that, she’ll just say no again. My endorsement would mean nothing.”

“You’re not telling her until it’s announced at the ceremony.”

Clarke bit her lip, long since used to Anya seemingly reading her mind.

“I’ll need to get Uncle Grunt on our side.”

Anya nodded slowly. “I will remain with Nomon. Help her as her assistant throughout the Conclave. I don’t want her to feel like we’ve all abandoned her.”

Clarke ran a hand over her face. This Conclave was supposed to be one of the best things to happen to their family.

* * *

“Aiden spoke to me.” Grunt murmured, while he and Clarke stood watching Raven in the centre of the massive stadium, overseeing the workers as they set up for the opening ceremony.

One side of the oval shaped arena had been constructed to house the clan delegations. The Heda’s Throne had been placed on the pinnacle, beneath an overhang. A long stretch of steps led all the way down to the ground. Behind the throne was a platform for Lexa’s personal guard, the rows in front reserved as seats for the clan leaders, their friends and family. Two chairs had been placed beside the throne for Clarke and Grunt. And there they stood, busy conspiring against their Commander’s wishes.

Clarke lowered her eyes to stare at her feet. “What did he say?”

“He asked for my endorsement to enter the Conclave.”

Maybe Aiden was right in looking for a backup, because Clarke still wasn’t sure that this was the right way to handle things. Despite herself though, Clarke couldn’t quite hide the hurt and betrayal she felt that Aiden had gone behind her back; that he didn’t have faith in her.

Grunt must’ve noticed, because he quickly continued.

“He told me that he wasn’t comfortable making you choose between himself and Leksa…”

Clarke sighed, of course the family had noticed that something was wrong between them. Especially given how great things had been before the start of that horrid week.

“And what did you tell him?” Clarke asked.

“That he shouldn’t keep secrets from his nomons.” Grunt smiled and Clarke chuckled wearily.

“What do you think we should do about him?” She asked.

“He’s made up his mind, Clarke. He’s a grown man. A warrior. He seeks the honour we have all fought for. I can’t fault him that.”

Clarke nodded her agreement. Her stomach twisted with nerves that hadn’t left her since Lexa stopped speaking to her. Lexa came to their room late at night, slept on the couch and left early to spend her days receiving the delegations and entertaining them throughout the day. She showed up for dinner and then left to the guest house thereafter. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other since that first night where Lexa had refused to even argue with her.

Clarke knew of course that she could’ve made more of an effort. She could’ve sought Lexa out and tried to explain what Aiden needed Clarke to do… Clarke knew that Lexa would listen if Clarke made it clear that she needed her to. But Clarke was afraid that Lexa would figure out what she was planning and make sure that it couldn’t happen and then how would Aiden feel about that? Who would he blame?

Clarke tried to convince herself that she was doing what was best for her family and that Lexa would see that. Eventually.

“Aside from worrying about how Leksa will respond to this… I’ve seen the other candidates, they’re so much more experienced than him. What if I endorse him and he gets hurt? Or worse…” Clarke grew instantly nauseous at the thought.

“My first instinct is to protect him too.” Grunt admitted. “I’m just not sure if that’s what he needs right now. The other candidates are certainly great warriors. But so is Aiden. I’ve watched him train. He’s learned from the best…”

Clarke nodded again. Lexa had turned her into a absolute killing machine in very little time. She’d been training Aiden for almost all his life. Of course, their son was a great warrior.

“Though I can’t say what will happen; we both know how unpredictable it can be during battle.” Grunt continued. “The only warrior I would always bet on to win, is Leksa.” He smirked and Clarke did too. All these years, they could always count on Lexa to come out on top, even if she had to crawl her way up there.

Clarke sighed, wishing someone would just tell her what to do. Well, Lexa had told her exactly what needed to be done. So had her mother and Raven. In fact, Grunt and Echo were the only ones who hadn’t completely shut down the idea. No wonder Aiden dragged it out for so long. He knew how to read a room and anticipate reactions. An essential skill to have as the Commander. Had he told Lexa any sooner, the idea would’ve been shut down and locked up far away to maybe be discussed somewhere in the far future again. Aiden had played it to get the least negative outcome for himself.

Clarke was suitably proud.

“Look, Clarke, I will endorse him if that’s what you need me to do. It would be better if I did it and not you.”

Because of Lexa. Clarke knew.

“Aiden has made his choice. I’ll be announcing all the clan leaders and their novitiates tomorrow. If I added to the program, Heda won’t make a scene and she won’t make him withdraw, and her anger will be at me.”

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek, more confused than ever.

* * *

Clarke brushed invisible wrinkles down her silky royal blue dress. Lexa had imported the material from the Ailonkru the year before and Clarke had chosen the design to hug her figure and accentuate her assets. It was a simple dress, decorated only with the jewellery she’d received from her houmon over the years. Clarke had been looking forward to showing off for Lexa, but her nerves had sucked out all of the joy of the moment.

Clarke had no idea where Lexa even was. Usually they got ready together for events. Lexa’s clothes were gone though, so Clarke saw no point in sticking around in hopes of seeing Lexa before the opening ceremony and went to fetch Jake who was surprisingly dressed and ready to go. All the excitement around Polis was contagious and he was thankfully too distracted to notice the changes in Lexa and Clarke’s behaviours.

When they made their way downstairs, they discovered the Commander waiting in their massive foyer, hands folded behind her rigid back. She was wearing a long bloodred dress, the same material as Clarke’s and Clarke made a solid effort not to stare.

She failed gloriously and shamelessly.

“You look pretty, Nomon!” Jake shouted and ran toward Lexa who happily accepted his hug and bent down to fawn over his smart shirt and pants, telling him how handsome he looked and causing him to blush under the praise.

Clarke wanted to tell Lexa that she looked beautiful too, the words got stuck though when Lexa’s eyes found her and languidly trailed up her body, in that way that made Clarke’s toes curl, before settling on Clarke’s face.

“You look beautiful, Clarke.” Lexa rasped and Clarke’s heart did a delighted flip while her body buzzed in unadulterated pleasure.

“So do you.” She replied, feeling awkward and nervous as though Lexa hadn’t known Clarke for more years than she hadn’t.

Anya descended the stairs next, decked in a green dress and Lexa lit up even more. After lavishing compliments on their daughter, Lexa surprisingly hooked their arms together to guide Clarke out the front door where Aiden was waiting with the family’s personal guards.

Clarke went willingly and without question or contemplation.

The whole family made their way over to the stadium together. Lexa teased Aiden about how Raina was going to swoon when she saw him and Clarke forgot to be anxious. She blissfully forgot until they walked into the stadium and the massive crowd went wild.

 _Heda! Heda! Heda! Heda!_ They cheered and Clarke abruptly remembered that they were there to start yet another tournament that would change their lives forever.

No matter what the outcome.

* * *

Their children were seated in the row in front of them to Clarke’s right, along with their grandparents, Bellamy, Echo and Wrex. In the opposite row was Raven, Octavia, Lincoln and their million kids. Octavia was six months pregnant and Clarke would’ve wondered how she and Lincoln managed, was it not for Indra sat beside them, getting the children to settle with just a look.

Ahead of the throne was a large, open, space, that lead to the steps where a mic had been erected and where Grunt stood as he welcomed everyone.

He’d practised most of the day before to speak over the strange device to get used to it. He wasn’t much of a talker, especially not one for public speaking, but Lexa had asked and Grunt had agreed. At least Clarke knew that the speeches would be short and to the point, as was most likely Lexa’s intention in asking him.

After the ‘welcome’ the schoolchildren performed a re-enactment of Lexa’s battle against Gregor of the River Clan. Gregor was played by one of their teachers, a large man who towered over the kids as a little girl stepped forward and speared him with a training staff. They even had the little Lexa then turn to her classmate and declare her undying love and devotion to the little Clarke she’d saved.

Lexa laughed next to Clarke, along with everyone else, and Clarke forgot again to be nervous and just turned to look at Lexa and grinned, feeling like the first time she’d realised she loved Lexa, when the smile was brightly returned.

The kids performed a few re-enactments, each time a different little Heda – boy and girl - would be victorious until everyone had at least some part to play and then Grunt announced the Commander of the United Territories and thousands of people rose to their feet and immediately dropped to their knees when Lexa stepped up to the mic.

Lexa bid them rise and conducted her entire speech in Trigedasleng, thanking everyone for attending and their support and faith in her throughout the years. Everyone hung on her words as her smooth voice washed over her people, praising and crediting them for all that had been accomplished during her reign as Heda.

It was quiet as they listened, like Clarke, they seemed to keep on forgetting the purpose of the Conclave; that it meant that Lexa wouldn’t be Heda anymore and how was that even something that could make sense?

Lexa spoke about her family, her children, and Clarke watched the pride in all of their eyes as they stared up at Lexa. Even Jake could feel it in the air and his eyes were large and filled with wonder as he gaped at his nomon. He never really saw the Commander, it was always _Lexa_ at home, playing and reading and gardening with him.

And suddenly Clarke heard her name and she looked away from her kids to where Lexa was extending a hand towards her.

Clarke blindly rose and accepted it, brow furrowed in question, hoping she wasn’t expected to say anything. But Lexa’s fingers slipped in between Clarke’s. Steady. Secure. Safe. And the anxiousness left her entirely.

“ _The Skaikru calendar states that my wife and I will soon have been bonded for twenty years.”_ Lexa smiled and the crowd erupted in cheers, having learned the ‘Skaikru calendar’ over a decade ago. It was even taught in their schools, mostly to have businesses follow the same financial cycle and to more accurately document dates of births, deaths and their people’s ages, during census.

Clarke had known that it had been twenty years. She had. But the way Lexa had said it and the way Lexa was looking at her now, it almost felt as though the Conclave was intended as an anniversary gift to Clarke. And Lexa’s next words, only solidified that thought.

 _“She is my light. My heart. My strength_.” Lexa murmured, looking at Clarke, her voice soft and intimate, while the mic allowed everyone in on their moment. _“She has supported me in my duty and has fought at my side. She has fought_ for _me, when I was defenceless and in despair... I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to show. But I intend on spending the next twenty years of our life together, demonstrating to her just how very grateful I am that she had chosen me to be hers.”_

And _of course,_ Lexa would make this huge fucking gesture in honour of their wedding anniversary. Of course, she would wrap up an entire tournament in a bow and gift it to Clarke with the promise of her undivided attention and devotion for the rest of their lives.

Lexa gave her a small smile, a little hesitant as she leaned toward Clarke who could do nothing but close the distance and almost desperately press their lips together.

_Twenty fucking years._

* * *

Jake was grinning at them – others too – as the crowd’s cheers subsided. But Anya was looking at Aiden who was frantically whispering at her. And just like that, the joy in Clarke’s chest was sucked right out.

She rigidly sat through each clan leader being announced with their candidate. They were reaching the final one when Aiden turned back and looked at Clarke. His eyes were questioning and Clarke knew he wasn’t asking her to help him, he was asking her if she was sure she should; telling Clarke she didn’t have to as his eyes shifted between Clarke and Lexa as though he feared he would never see them again.

He was trying to give Clarke an out. Clarke who had decided not to throw Grunt under the bus. But Aiden was Clarke’s son. Clarke’s responsibility.

So she nodded to him and when Aiden looked uncertain, glancing at Lexa again who was dutifully paying attention to the clan leaders and novitiates preening for her, Clarke sent him a reassuring smile that must’ve been convincing enough, because he focused back on the people lined up at the bottom of the steps.

All of them were men and Clarke didn’t have time to ponder her feelings on that, because too soon there were twelve of them standing there and Grunt seemed to resist the urge to turn to her as he called Clarke’s name next.

Lexa stiffened imperceptibly, murmurs of confusion droned from the crowd and Clarke shakily rose. She silently prayed that she wouldn’t fall down the numerous steps as her knees felt like jelly. Clarke didn’t look back at the Antler Throne, but could feel her mother and wife’s eyes burning into the back of her skull.

Halfway down though, a familiar chant broke out.

 _Pauna! Pauna! Pauna! Pauna!_ And the love and support and confidence of her people, gave Clarke that extra bit of confidence she needed to make it down to ground level, where she lifted her chin under the disbelieving stares of the clan leaders.

Lincoln tilted his head in question where he stood next to the Trikru candidate. His eyes then drifted to where Aiden was seated and his brows lifted in surprise, but then settled on acceptance and understanding, before he sent Clarke a firm nod of support. Clarke nodded back and looked up at Grunt.

“And her novitiate: Aiden gon Polis!” Grunt announced and Aiden rose from his seat, looking visibly green and anxious. He stumbled a little over his own feet and one of the other candidates chuckled and Clarke wanted to glare at him, but realised in time that this wasn’t her battle.

Aiden made it next to her to loud cheers of support and straightened his spine when he finally noticed that the ovation was for him.

They stood there as Grunt went through the Conclave’s schedule. The first round would be in a week. Six matches in total. Leading up to that, the candidates would spend time with Heda performing a few tasks where only the delegations would be present. The next round would be a week after that, two matches with three opponents each, because Lexa wanted to see how they would handle a battle where only one of them would be victorious. The final match would be the week after that.

There were thirteen of them now though, which made the battle rounds trickier, but Clarke was confident that they could come up with a plan that would still allow a final battle to happen in three weeks’ time.

If Lexa wasn’t going to kill her before, she was certainly going to kill Clarke for fucking up the logistics.

They lined up with the other leaders and candidates, walking in pairs as they made their way around the stadium and waved to the cheering people.

“Mom, are you sure about this?” Aiden anxiously whispered.

Clarke resisted the urge to tell him that it was too late to take it back now.

“Are _you_ sure about this?” She asked instead.

“I am. I’m as certain as I’ve always been. It’s just… Nomon’s face…”

Clarke nodded, even though she hadn’t dared look at Lexa since she’d descended those steps.

“You’re nomon will always love you, Aiden. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I’m not worried for myself. You should’ve had Uncle Grunt do this.”

“We’ll be fine.” Clarke sent him that reassuring smile again that might not be as reassuring as she intended it to be. “Don’t worry about us. We’ve survived much worse and we’ll get through this too.”

They came back full circle to stand at the foot of the steps in front of the dais.

“Heda wishes you all much luck in the tournament.” Grunt greeted them. “May the best warrior be victorious!”

They all bowed to the Commander sat on her throne with two empty seats next to her. All alone. Lexa stared down at them for a long moment; stared at _Clarke_ with a blank face that revealed nothing. Lexa then nodded stiffly and rose from her seat, leaving the stadium through the private exit at the back of the dais.

Clarke's heart sunk to the bottom of her stomach and stayed there.

* * *

Clarke wanted to run after her, but they were soon swarmed by people asking questions and congratulating Aiden. She stuck to his side, straightening under the assault and felt him mimic her, hands folded behind his back.

All around them was activity as the people of Polis set up bonfires and meat spits. Long tables were swiftly assembled, decorated and laid with food, distracting some people away from them.

Clarke knew the family’s personal guards were nearby and after checking to see Jake firmly under Anya’s arm as they spoke to Echo and Wrex, Clarke focused on watching the other novitiates.

Whatever they’d been the day before, they were all enemies now. Clarke was close to a few clan leaders, but there were still a couple that could go either way. Especially when tempted with the immense power the Heda held.

Soon the lights came on in the stadium, the people gasping in awe as though they were witnessing a magnificent firework display and the clan leadership was seated at a long table, while everyone else mulled around on the arena floor or sat in groups in the stadium seats. There were just too many of them to have provided a sit-down dinner. Planning on feeding everyone had been a colossal undertaking in itself, but the Commander had pulled it off flawlessly.

Lexa reappeared, Clarke’s eyes instantly finding her despite the scores of people, because the crowds all parted for her, even as they flocked to be nearer, creating little circles around Lexa whenever she stopped to talk to them. The people had no qualms in occupying the Commander’s time while Lexa actively avoided Clarke.

Feeling morose, Clarke passed her almost full plate of food over to Aiden who was a veritable vacuum. He looked at her worriedly, even as he accepted the plate and Clarke was grateful when an excited Jake pulled Aiden’s attention away and continued his questioning about Aiden becoming Heda.

Clarke took the opportunity to sneak off and made her way over to where Lexa was separated from the people by guards and surrounded by a few clan leaders.

Clarke could imagine what the discussion was about.

“No offense intended, Heda, but surely you can understand our concerns as to how fair this Conclave will be given your son’s participation?” The Iron Clan leader was saying and Clarke halted, hidden away behind the large men.

Clarke slightly forgave him his dumb query, because his own son was in the Conclave too.

“You forget, Semmet, that I have every right to name my successor, without a Conclave.” Clarke heard Lexa’s taciturn reply. “These matches will take place in front of thousands of witnesses, warrior against warrior will meet without my influence. Where do you perceive an opportunity for unfairness?”

“Then why did you not tell us of his intentions, Heda?” Semmet wondered.

“Forgive me,” Lexa seethed, her voice so icy that Clarke could see the bodies in front of her stiffen at the sound, it had been a while since anyone had heard that tone from the Commander. “I hadn’t been aware that I needed your permission to endorse a candidate.”

And yeah, maybe the clan leaders had forgotten too, who Leksa kom Trikru was. She was not their equal. She was _Heda_. Clarke peeked between two shoulders and watched Lexa’s superior glare as she stared down the Iron Clan leader, somehow looming over him, even as the shortest person in the group.

“Heda I –“ Semmet moved to speak, probably apologise, but Lexa raised her hand and he instantly stopped.

“Aiden has chosen to fight for what he wants, instead of expecting it to be handed to him. But he is still _my son_. So should I ever hear you questioning his honour and my own again, I will not be as _civil_ in my response to you.”

Lexa then spun around and Clarke peeked around Varrick – the Valley Clan leader‘s - body and watched her stalk off toward the exit of the stadium.

* * *

That night, Lexa didn’t sleep on the couch. She didn’t sleep in their room at all.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments!
> 
> xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame on you, you know who you are xp
> 
> It's a long one, so make sure to stretch and hydrate before you start.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos!!
> 
> xx

 

Clarke was in so much shit.

She stood brooding at the large guest parlour window in the north wing of the White House. She’d chosen the location because it offered her the best view of Jake’s garden, where he, Wrex and Lexa, were planting new tomato seedlings.

Lexa hadn’t acknowledged Clarke’s existence since the evening before. The only reason Clarke was afforded the opportunity of seeing her in that moment, was because Lexa had made a commitment to Jake and Clarke knew that she wouldn’t break it.

Clarke sighed and turned to accept the glass of whiskey Echo offered her before her friend went to sink back into a couch with her own tumbler.

Varrick of the Valley Clan had gifted the Commander with several cases. The clan had started manufacturing a few years back and the drink had fast become all the rage amongst the wealthy in the United Territories. Lexa disliked the taste, though loved the innovation, so she pretended for Varrick’s sake, who beamed under the Heda’s praise of his produce. Since Lexa’s endorsement boosted sales, it was also an entrepreneurial move on his part. More importantly, it created jobs and that was all that mattered to Lexa who gladly allowed herself to be used for the socio-economic upliftment of her people.

“Tell me about Varrick’s candidate.” Clarke asked without taking her eyes off of Lexa who was managing to look elegant even while shovelling soil. “The original candidate had been murdered, right? How did they end up choosing his replacement?”

“They’d held a competition.” Akhila replied, from where she sat on a couch next to Anya, going through the profiles Clarke had requested on all the novitiates. She then handed her whiskey to Anya who sheepishly accepted it.

Clarke pretended that she couldn’t see them in the window’s reflection.

Anya was eighteen and considered a responsible adult by their laws and in Clarke’s opinion. Clarke knew that Anya wasn’t going to turn into the miserable drunk Clarke had often been at her age. Even if Anya did, Clarke would tuck her in and give her water and fry her some eggs the next morning, because Clarke wouldn’t be worried that it would become the norm. Clarke had told Anya that she trusted her to partake, and Anya would just nod her head and still not do it in front of Clarke.

So Clarke kept her back to them, which was made easier by the sight of Lexa smiling at Jake as she brushed some dirt off of his grinning face and affectionately ruffled his hair, making sure to include Wrex in the playful affection immediately afterward so he wouldn’t feel left out.

The ache in Clarke’s heart amplified.

“Gaius was the runner-up.” Akhila continued. “They announced him when Mason fell ill and passed right after Winter.”

“Do they know how he died?” Anya asked. “Why did they say he was murdered?”

“Because he was poisoned.”

“Did they investigate Gaius?” Echo wondered.

“Varrick did, but they found no evidence to link him to the poisoning. They weren’t able to find any other suspects either.”

Clarke nodded contemplatively. She knew a lot of the information in the profiles already from talks with Lexa and the other leaders. What she had needed was for Akhila to dig deeper and objectively compile something for her, and then have Echo and Anya listen to it too and give their opinion. Information was something that could easily be misunderstood and manipulated, so Clarke treated it as carefully as she would a nuclear weapon. She'd sent Akhila and her team out gathering months ago. And had scheduled a meeting for that day for a reason. She wanted to first look at the candidates without any preconceptions.

Lexa had her own team. They functioned independently. It gave the Heda plausible deniability when Clarke needed to make calls where the Commander’s hands were politically tied. Lexa had given her that power. Had trusted her _that_ much. Clarke wondered if that was still true...

“Was probably Gaius then. He did have motive.” Echo murmured, sipping on her whiskey. Unlike Lexa, Echo loved the taste and Clarke made a mental note to send a case down to her house. She’d actually been meaning to do that, but that whole week had been a fucking nightmare.

“He stood to gain the most.” Clarke agreed. “No one else in the Valley Clan would’ve dared harm their best candidate and lower their chances in the Conclave.”

“Could’ve been an assassin from another clan.” Echo suggested.

“From what Leksa has said, Mason had been a great warrior, but wasn’t all that much of a threat compared to a few other candidates.” Clarke supplied.

They fell into a pensive silence, Clarke losing her train of thought as her mind wondered to Lexa and how she was possibly going to make up for what she’d done.

“What do we do?” Anya asked.

“We do nothing. It’s just suspicion and speculation.” Clarke murmured, hiding her scowl from the room. “What about Ilian kom Azgeda? Roan loves him, so he can’t be that bad? Even Leksa has mentioned that he’s a great leader.”

There was silence and Clarke spun around, already frowning, ignoring Anya scrambling her glass out of sight.

“Akhila, I thought we discussed that _how_ one delivers news is important to prevent heart attacks?” Clarke’s lips quirked into a strained smile in an attempt to hide her worry and soften the rebuke.

“Apologies, Clarke.” Akhila murmured, fidgeting with her files. It had taken years for Clarke to get Akhila to call her by her name. Given how sensitive the information was that they frequently sifted through, Clarke knew that she tended to become intense and intimidating without meaning to. In that moment though, she just needed to know what had Akhila hesitating.

“He’s a great warrior and has been in Azgeda’s army since he was a boy.” Akhila carefully started. “King Roan had intended on declaring him General the year the Conclave was announced. He’s beloved by all the warriors who serve under him and respected by his peers and seniors. He fought in the war between the Plainriders and the Iron Clan and led his regiment to victory at the Battle at the Ridge. Some say that he killed over fifty men that day.”

“He sounds perfect.” Echo dryly commented. “What’s wrong with him?”

Clarke waited for the catch too.

“He hasn’t done anything to dishonour himself, his people, or his King.” Akhila continued. “But I’ve spent a long time gathering this information. And the full story seemed to be known in only bits and pieces by different people.”

“ _Akhila_ , _beja_ , just spit it out!” Anya growled, so tense she threw down the whiskey like a shot with no regard to who might see.

“I went myself to his childhood home when I heard he’d been orphaned. He’d lost his father and then his mother had passed four seasons on. One neighbour said that his father had been a captain in the Azgeda army. Another mentioned he’d fought with Ontari when she seized Polis.”

Most of the Azgeda army had followed Ontari. Clarke didn’t begrudge them their loyalty. Besides, whatever Ilian’s father had done, Clarke wouldn’t hold it against his son, and impatiently waited for Akhila to continue.

“I hadn’t thought much of it, my interest wasn’t in his father, but after Aiden was announced, I reopened investigations just to be sure before our debriefing. I went to Anna’s Tavern last night and spoke to some of the warriors who came with the delegations. A few had fought with Ignis in the war.”

Something in Clarke’s brain sparked recognition, but she couldn’t grasp why the name sounded so familiar and why it made her heartbeat speed up. Names were recycled frequently in the clans though.

“Ignis kom Azgeda had been captured and taken as a prisoner of war during the Second Clan Wars…”

Clarke stilled as the memories instantly flooded her. Overcome with a sudden bout of dizziness and nausea, her knees buckled and Echo was quickly at her side, guiding her to the couch.

Anya sat down next to her, confused and concerned.

“Mom?” She anxiously asked, even as she soothingly rubbed over Clarke’s back while Clarke rested her suddenly heavy head in her hands, not even sure where her glass of liquor had gone. Had she dropped it?

“Ilian knows what happened to his father in Tondisi?”

Clarke was grateful that Echo asked the question she couldn’t seem to voice.

“I can’t say whether he knows,” Akhila murmured. “But the man who had adopted him knew. The man who King Roan had made sure was able to offer Ilian shelter and opportunities on Heda’s command.”

Clarke wanted to throw up just to get rid of some of the emotions knotting her intestines.

“I’m sorry, Pauna,” Akhila hurried to explain, noticing Clarke’s distress. “I know it’s not much. That it’s more assumptions, but I couldn’t risk asking more in case Ilian didn’t know… And I couldn’t not tell you.”

Clarke managed to lift her head to look at Akhila to stop her from freaking out. “No, thank you for getting this information, Akhila. I value your dedication to our family.”

“Do you think Leksa suspects that Ilian knows?” Echo asked.

Great, now Clarke would need to go tell Lexa that she volunteered Aiden to be slaughtered by someone with a legitimate grudge to settle.

“ _Mom_ , what’s going on?” Anya asked, staring in bewilderment at the anxious women around the room.

Clarke would need to go tell Lexa that she’d fucked up even more than they’d known, right after she told Anya about that awful night in the dungeons of Tondisi where she’d witnessed a man being flayed alive.

* * *

Clarke and Echo stood observing some of the candidates sparring at the Pits. Clarke’s biggest concern was which of the novitiates would actually attempt to kill Aiden. Though the battles weren’t to the death, a kill during the Conclave would instantly demand respect and allow for a smoother transition of power and acceptance by the clan armies. And that made everyone a potential threat, though Gaius and Ilian had fast moved to the top of Clarke’s list and both of them were there that day, showing off an excellent set of skills.

Where Gaius was more of a showman, posturing for the crowd, Ilian remained focused, off to the side, not paying any attention to the rowdiness and various sparring matches taking place around him. Not even acknowledging the group of men and women who had gathered specifically to try and catch his eye.

Roan stood close by, proud as he watched on. He’d waved when he’d spotted Clarke, and she wondered how he could possibly have thought it a good idea to enter Ilian. Maybe Ilian didn’t know. But to be honest, even if Ilian knew and Roan knew that he knew, no one had known that Aiden would actually be in the Conclave to have planned to target him personally. Though Lexa could still be the actual target…

Whatever the case, Clarke knew that Roan would never purposely place Lexa in harm’s way.

“Where’s your candidate, Pauna?” Varrick grinned as he watched Gaius preening under the attention of a few fans.

Any successful Heda would need the love of the people and Gaius was all about the pomp and circumstance to make that happen.

“I hope he isn’t hiding from us?” Semmet smirked, and Clarke knew that the ribbing was in good nature. No one would be stupid enough to actually underestimate the _Heda’s_ Seken.

“I told him not to come and scare the other candidates with his skill.” Clarke cockily replied. “We are hosting, after all, and it would be in bad taste to make our guests cry.”

Semmet let out a barking laugh, thoroughly amused. “So he’s training in secret?” He tried to fish.

Clarke shrugged, a retort dying on her lips when Gaius walked up to them.

“He’s probably taking a nap.” Echo smoothly diverted attention away from Clarke. “He’s won so often that he grows tired of even the mere thought of winning yet another battle.”

There was another round of guffaws and Clarke’s racing mind and furtive eyes spotted Raina, looking anxiously in their direction.

Clarke turned to Echo who wordlessly nodded as she joined the conversation between Gaius and the clan leaders to gather information, while Clarke excused herself and walked toward her children’s friend.

When their kids had first started having unsupervised parties, the condition was that it would always be in their home for safety reasons. Lexa would randomly show up at the small get-togethers and sit with them for a few minutes, not saying anything while Aiden and Anya’s friends awkwardly squirmed in the Heda’s presence. Sometimes she would take Clarke with her so that they could both laugh about it afterwards and make fun of who had sweated the most. They trusted their eldest kids. Aiden and Anya had always and would always protect each other. But Clarke and Lexa definitely didn’t trust _other_ peoples’ children and Lexa made sure to wordlessly remind them all that they were in the Commander of the United Territories’ home and that respect was expected and demanded.

“Hei, Raina.” Clarke greeted, making the girl jump even though she’d been frantically glancing toward and away from Clarke on her approach as though she was contemplating running away.

Clarke straightened, folding her arms across her chest. She liked Raina well enough as a person, but if Aiden wanted a career in politics, he would need someone at his side who was a lot less _timid_. The clan leaders would eat the poor girl alive.

“Hei, Pauna!” Raina seemed to shout and almost broke bone when she punched her fist against her chest with a slight bow. The tips of her small ears turned pink in a way that reminded Clarke of Lexa and it made the Pauna instantly soften.

“Are you looking for Aiden?” Clarke asked her straight out, having observed how Raina’s eyes had tracked the fighters, shoulders drooping in disappointment the longer she came up short.

Raina had been at both Aiden and Anya’s eighteenth birthday parties and held a position in Roan’s delegation to assist with the Azgeda Prince when his widowed father was working. Which meant that Clarke had spent some time with her over the past two years, when the little prince would have play dates with Jake and Wrex.

She really did like Raina, a little bit more when her entire face flushed bright red at Clarke’s query.

“I wanted to wish him luck in the Conclave.” Raina murmured. “I hadn’t known he intended to enter.” She seemed scared at the thought. “I just wanted him to know…” She trailed off as if remembering who she was talking to and her eyes widened and Clarke smirked at what she could only imagine Raina wanted Aiden to know.

“I’ll tell him that you wish to speak with him.” Clarke spared her any further embarrassment.

“Mochof, Pauna.” Raina smiled prettily and Clarke realised that her son shared her weakness for beautiful brunettes with strikingly big eyes and weirdly tiny ears.

* * *

The large hall in the guest house had been cleared and thirteen workstations had been set up. They were comfortably spaced apart, offering some privacy for the novitiates to work in and to avoid cheating.

Clarke and Aiden were closest to Semmet and his son Samson on one side and Varrick and Gaius on the other. Roan and Ilian were all the way across the room and Clarke wondered if Lexa had picked everyone’s places for any particular purpose.

Knowing Lexa, the answer was most likely yes.

“Raina was looking for you at the Pits.” Clarke murmured while she watched Aidan focus on his puzzle of wooden blocks that fit together, but needed to also be placed in a certain colour pattern in order to be solved.

Aiden had these tasks in the bag. Lexa had been playing similar types of games with her children since they were little. It was partly why Lexa had decided not to make these tasks elimination rounds, it would be unfair to expect everyone to have the same level of education and comprehension. Those who were intelligent but lacked that background and upbringing, would still be at a disadvantage and no doubt people would’ve whined about that.

Aiden hummed. “Thanks for telling me, Mom. I’ve written her a letter.” He absently answered, blue eyes fixed on his puzzle. “Onya promised that she would give it to Raina tonight. I can’t afford to spend time with friends right now.”

Clarke watched his concentrated face. Not even a slight blush on his cheeks or that awkward, lopsided grin, whenever he used to speak about Raina… And that was what Lexa had been trying to avoid, wasn’t it? That Aiden would give up living his life and only focus on ensuring that their people could live _their_ best lives.

Clarke’s eyes shifted to where she’d been tracking Lexa prowling around the room and observing the candidates whilst masterfully avoiding Clarke and Aiden. She’d randomly drawn various generals from the clans and gave them the answers to the puzzles. Each station had an assigned general to judge their progress.

Aiden finished his and after checking his work, the Iron Clan general rung his bell and another point was added to the scoreboard by Anya, who – ever the professional - stoically switched Aiden’s four out for a five as though she wasn’t secretly elated. Below him was Ilian with a three and Gaius with a two. The others all had one point each.

Aiden was an excellent strategist. He even managed to beat Lexa at chess on occasion. The two of them always had a game going on, still using the chess set Gustus had given Lexa, which Clarke knew that Lexa planned on giving to him one day. Same as she planned on giving Anya her knife and Jake her library of books.

Clarke enjoyed drawing Aiden and Lexa as they sat staring at the chess board, sometimes for hours at a time. Mostly quiet, yet so at ease in each other’s space.

It was a beautiful thing to watch and often helped to indirectly calm Clarke after a chaotic day at the hospital.

 _“Heda has probably given him the answers.”_ Clarke heard Samson mutter a few feet away and had to force her body not to react to the loud resounding _smack_ that followed the statement as Semmet backhanded his son across the face. Instead, Clarke casually turned to watch them, as did the rest of the room.

“Show some respect,” Semmet lowly growled. “You are here to represent your clan and your family.” He reprimanded, heedless of the stares on them.

Everyone knew that Semmet was a bit rough around the edges and to also not interfere in family matters. So when his son bowed and instantly apologised, admittedly looking ashamed of the comment and no worse for wear, they all returned their attention to the tasks again.

Clarke glanced around the room and her eyes met Lexa’s and the world seemed to stop turning for a moment – or an eternity – before Lexa shifted her gaze to assess the father and son, making sure all was well, before she continued on her away again.

Torn between falling to her knees and crying as she begged Lexa for forgiveness and running after her and screaming to be careful of Ilian, Clarke internally jolted again when Semmet appeared at her side.

“My son is a good warrior,” he stated conversationally. “I don’t think he can lead though. He lacks the patience and commitment.”

Clarke wasn’t sure what to say, so she looked at Semmet to show that she was listening.

“But he’s my son and he had asked me for this chance.” Semmet explained with a sage look.

Clarke smiled her understanding. “I’m sure he’ll do his best and that you’ll be proud.”

Semmet nodded with an uncharacteristically soft smile and focused back on the puzzle Samson was struggling with even when he looked more lost than his son did.

* * *

The games lasted three afternoons leading into evenings, split by a lavish dinner with the delegations. Clarke took her place at Lexa’s side during those times and yet had never felt further away from her. She was careful though, not to use those moments to force Lexa into talking to her, and instead made sure to direct as much traffic away from the Heda who despite her mask being drawn up, couldn’t quite hide her discontent from Clarke who had intimately studied every part of her for over two decades.

Lexa had intended the games to be fun and informative, but because the Commander stood rigid and expressionless as she watched them all like a hawk, the tension in the room was instinctively thick and suffocating.

Clarke knew that Lexa had hoped to ask the questions herself, but after Aiden’s entry, she’d assigned various clan leaders to come up with new questions about their people’s history, general and geographical questions about the clans, and strategic questions about battles that had taken place, or hypothetical battle scenarios.

The candidates then drew those questions and got up unto a small platform to answer out loud to the delegations. Not known to them, was that the Commander watched the _way_ they answered as much as the accuracy with which they did.

Present in the room, were the people the new Heda would need to work with. How the candidates handled themselves when communicating with the ego-maniacs, was an integral part of the process. They needed to maintain a balance between congenial, assertive and authoritative. Which was made difficult, since none of them held any significant power just yet.

Playing off of Lexa’s mood, the leaders weren’t acting like themselves. Choking on her guilt, Clarke recruited Semmet and they started ragging on the other clans and each other throughout the tasks. Soon the others joined in and the mood lightened somewhat. The candidates were mercilessly heckled when they stepped up onto the platform to answer questions and Clarke was proud when Aiden kept his cool and even threw some sly remarks back that had the leaders laughing.

Ilian was perhaps a little better at this round, Clarke had to admit. She wasn’t sure what it was. He held an easy confidence and the room seemed to accept him as an equal without question. It was most probably his military career which helped with that, whilst Aiden’s age and reputation as the Heda’ little boy she constantly bragged about, definitely counted against him. He was the youngest person in the room, by a few years, and many in the delegations had watched him grow up in front of their eyes.

The last task was for each of the candidates to recite all the commanders since Bekka Pramheda who had brought her people together after the bombs. They all exited the room and entered one by one. It was a simple task, added to the schedule more as a show of respect and acknowledgement to the commanders who had come before them.

Gaius, who overall had ranked third in the tasks, went last and then decided to add his own name after Lexa’s, with a haughty smirk.

The room fell silent and a cringing Varrick actually facepalmed.

“On that note,” the Heda dryly stated and stepped forward, ignoring Gaius entirely. “Varrick’s whiskey will be served next door before dinner, to remind us all that the Valley Clan can, on occasion, produce something of quality.”

Everyone laughed, save for Gaius who sneered at the jibe and Varrick who still hung his head in shame. Semmet clapped him on the back and guided him out the room.

* * *

It took some careful planning, but with the help of her team, Clarke finally decided to make her move the following day.

She stood on a patch of lawn on the side of their house. The grounds were private and warriors were constantly on patrol. They’d had their massive property fenced off and Clarke felt safe in the fact that she wouldn’t be blindsided there.

Echo appeared with Ilian at her side, both of them stiff and straight-faced, though Ilian tilted his head curiously when he noticed Clarke waiting and halted with Echo when they reached her.

“Mochof, Ekko.” Clarke murmured while she kept her gaze on Ilian who had fallen into an easy nonchalance.

Echo responded with a fist to her own chest before she marched off.

Clarke was dressed in her light armour, blades resting on her lower back. She fought the urge to cross her arms over her chest as she watched the amused smirk tilting at the corner of Ilian’s mouth, no doubt amused at the obvious posturing and powerplay.

Clarke had been of two minds about the display, but had decided that it wouldn’t hurt to assert herself and remind him of who she was.

They stood there in silence, Clarke tense and Ilian visibly relaxed like he didn’t care to know why he was there or not. He was only a few years younger than her, and Clarke couldn’t believe that while she’d been fighting in wars, he’d been considered a boy.

“Why have you entered the Conclave?” She finally asked him.

Ilian’s gaze traversed their surroundings, checking for threats despite his casual demeanour.

“Is this inquisition part of the Conclave tasks, Pauna?” He finally turned to her, avoiding answering. “Does Heda know that you’re attempting to interfere in a matter which doesn’t concern you?”

Clarke bristled at the disrespect delivered as the truth. Ilian’s smirk grew and he moved closer, making himself bigger.

An arrow whistled through the air and embedded itself between them when he was just out of arm’s reach. Clarke had remained calm throughout his approach, knowing that she had back up, and her confidence returned as Ilian stared at the arrow with its red and black feathers, impaled dead centre in the ground between them. A clear warning to not go any closer.

Ilian recovered quickly though.

“Tell me, Pauna, what is it that you think will happen in the Conclave?”

Clarke didn’t respond. He was trying to control the conversation, while Clarke needed him to talk so she could figure out what he knew.

Her silence seemed to irk Ilian and he flashed her a disturbing grin.

“Why am I here, Little Pauna?” He sneered. “Do you fear I will make you watch as I kill your son?”

Clarke’s hands flew to her swords, only just stopping from drawing them, knowing that Ilian was a second away from having his throat impaled by an arrow tip if he made one wrong move.

Ilian though, only let out a drolly laugh, making no move to go for his weapons.

“Would you try to stop me?” He asked. “Or will you do nothing, like when you watched your wife slaughter my father?”

Though Clarke had suspected it, the coldness of the words still struck her, causing her to visibly flinch. That night with Ignis had haunted her for a long time.

“Will you also just sit back and watch while your son screams for mercy?”

Clarke’s swords sung as she tore them from their sheathes.

“You’d dare to strike me with Azgeda steel?” Ilian sneered.

 _“Enough!”_ The familiar authoritative voice halted Clarke’s instinctive attack in its tracks.

Ilian hadn’t moved at all. Not to defend, attack, or retreat.

Lexa stood behind them, glaring at the scene.

“Leave us, Ilian.” She ordered.

Ilian clenched his jaw at the command, but obediently spun around. He walked up to Lexa and bowed at the waist. “Sha, Heda.” He stated, before walking back to the front of the house like nothing had happened at all.

Clarke blindly sheathed her swords and glared after him until Lexa appeared in front of her.

“Is he the reason why you’re so against Aiden competing?” Clarke instantly accused with misplaced anger, driven by her fear.

Lexa laughed bitterly.

“I have been Heda for over two decades, Clarke. I’m all our people know.” Lexa lifted her chin, hands already folded behind her back. Clarke hadn’t seen her drop her mask save for the times she’d creeped on Lexa playing with Jake. “Any new Heda, no matter how competent, would come under immense scrutiny. Everyone would feel that they could do the job too and better. I had to fight every single day of my life to gain the people’s respect and faith. Aiden competing in the Conclave I’m officiating has immediately painted a target on his back. The world is watching to see whether I will favour him. I’ve always known that he wanted to be Heda. I’ve always believed that he could be. I also knew that his life would be infinitely more difficult if _I_ were the one handing him that title. I had hoped to choose a Heda who would then be the one that Aiden took over from. That had always been part of the reason why I opposed him entering this particular Conclave.”

Clarke’s posture drooped. Finally calming from her altercation with Ilian. She bit her lip guiltily, remembering how she’d fucked up.

“Had you just told me what he had planned, I would have discussed with Roan my concerns about Ilian.”

“So you did know who he was when you accepted Roan’s endorsement…” Clarke murmured, confused as to why Lexa would allow someone who was a direct threat to her, in the Conclave. She’d thought that maybe Lexa had left instruction with Roan for Ignis’s family to be taken care of, and maybe didn’t know that Ilian was that same family.

“Of course I knew, Clarke. I had kept my promise to Ignis. I made sure that Ilian and his mother were taken care of. I don’t know who told him what I had done to his father, but that hardly matters. I don’t blame him for wanting his vengeance. Despite his vendetta, he’s an excellent soldier and a natural leader. What makes him different from you and I who have actually killed those who had harmed or threatened the ones we love?”

Clarke hung her head, too many marks had been burnt behind her shoulders because of exactly that reason. She made no excuses for herself, but the marks on her back were of people who actually had it coming. What Lexa had done to Ignis was part of war. Lexa hadn’t targeted him for personal reasons. She’d done what she’d needed to for their people.

“Ilian has never let his hatred of me influence the love he clearly holds for his people, but now you have provided him with the perfect opportunity to avenge his father within our laws.” Lexa continued. “Because you, yet again, have made a decision that you thought was a personal choice, but that affected so many others.”

“Leksa, he’s our son!” Clarke instantly defended. “If he wasn’t, and any other leader had endorsed him, would you have objected?”

Lexa’s jaw twitched.

“You wouldn’t have.” Clarke answered for her when Lexa seemed disinclined to. “And is it fair to punish him for who his mother is? I wish we could protect him forever, but when I was his age my biggest need in life was to prove that I could protect myself and stand on my own. No matter how hard you and Mom tried to do it for me. How could I possibly have turned him away when I understand so deeply why he wants to do this?”

Lexa remained silent, but had averted her gaze, but Clarke knew that she was listening.

“I didn’t want to betray your trust,” Clarke softly continued. “But you had made a choice too; to disregard his wants. _You_ decided that he wouldn’t be entered and closed the matter without even asking what _my_ opinion was. You told me that you wouldn’t change your mind and didn’t want to argue and then you avoided me. And I wish that it hadn’t happened this way, Leks. I wish that I could’ve come up with a better way to handle this. I know what I did was wrong, but you didn’t even tell me who Ilian was. You’ve known for well over a year that he was a potential danger to you and you didn’t tell me. Maybe that means that I suck at my job because I got the information far too late, but if you had just told me about _that_ at least, we could’ve maybe gotten Aiden to change his mind, together.”

Lexa had to know that Clarke would rather Aiden become a librarian than Heda. Throughout his life, it was Clarke who fretted and scolded when she felt Aiden was placed in too much danger or trained too hard. Lexa was the one who steadily pushed him toward becoming the man he was today. The man who wanted to become Commander of the United Territories.

“I know I fucked up,” Clarke emphasised. “I know this situation is all my fault and even though I’m scared out of my mind right now, I would do it again, because I want to support our adult son who should be allowed to make his _own_ decisions regarding _his_ future.”

Lexa scoffed and it surprised Clarke, because Lexa clearly hadn’t cooled down at all since the opening ceremony. Lexa usually listened to reason. There had to be something more that Clarke was missing.

“You think I don’t want him to have that liberty too, Clarke? We’re not all so lucky to just do what we want when we want to. Everything I do in this Conclave is being second-guessed to see whether it will give Aiden an advantage. This isn’t some competition to see who will be my houmon. People understood my obvious bias in that tournament. They understood why I couldn’t let you die. But this? This is the _Conclave_. This is to decide who will become _Heda_. Someone who will hold the fate of the clans in their hands. If I do anything that even looks as though I’m biased toward Aiden, he will be entirely discredited. Getting rid of Ilian _now_ is out of the question. You have forced me to sit back and watch as that man goes after my son with the possible intent to harm him because of _my_ past actions. What do you think will happen if they are pitted against each other in battle? Could I interfere like I had done with Gregor of the River Clan? Aiden would rather die than have his _nomon_ come to his rescue in front of everyone. He would never be able to be Heda after that. He will never forgive me if I acted to protect him in _any_ way.”

“You couldn’t have explained that before?” Clarke queried.

Yes, she felt guilty, but this was a conversation that could’ve happened the day Aiden made his intentions clear. It actually explained why Lexa had frozen up that day, since Roan had only moments before presented Ilian as his candidate.

“You could’ve just told Aiden this, instead of saying no and then sulking about as though his wants didn’t matter to you.”

“How long did you know that he planned on entering the Conclave?”

Caught off guard, Clarke faltered at the question.

“How long, Clarke?” Lexa sternly pressed.

“Since the day you announced the Conclave.” Clarke gritted out.

Lexa wryly smiled.

“I had thought his interest in the running of the clans and in perfecting his technique was so he could learn all he could from me before I retired.” Lexa mused, almost to herself. “I thought that surely if he planned on entering, he would tell _me_ who had been mentoring him for this very moment all of his life.”

Clarke looked at Lexa again, finally seeing all that hurt beneath a thin layer of anger.

“Both of you knew that I wanted him to wait.” Lexa stated, just barely able to keep her mask in place. “I’d mentioned it to Aiden before, that I wanted him to go and live his life and experience as much as he could; fall in love and get his heart broken and then fall in love again…” She ruefully smiled. “He knew that I thought that it was too soon… That _no_ meant _not right now_. You both were perfectly aware of my wishes and decided that he would be entered no matter what. And when he told me a week before the time what he wanted, I realised that no explanation would change his mind. Not even my concerns about Ilian… Aiden would’ve simply negated each of my worries by saying that he wanted to be treated like every other candidate, whether they had personal vendettas, or not. Nothing I could’ve said that day would’ve changed the decision that you and he had already made without me.”

Lexa paused then and Clarke struggled to deny it. She wanted to apologise, but how vapid would it seem now, with the mess she’d created. She tried to gauge Lexa’s openness to continue their talk, maybe come up with a solution together, when she saw that Lexa was staring at the arrow stuck in the ground between them. The arrow with the very unique feathers.

Lexa’s mask slipped entirely, her feelings of betrayal and loneliness sticking out like an exposed nerve Clarke was afraid to even breathe towards lest it cause more pain.

“Perhaps the fault is mine.” Lexa murmured. “I was naïve to think that you would just accept it. But I’d thought that surely you would come to me about something this important. That you would come and talk to me, rather than go behind my back. That surely you wouldn’t do something like this to me _again_ , Clarke.”

Clarke flinched back at the verbal slap.

“I had planned to be there for him in the next Conclave.” Lexa all but whispered, glittering green eyes boring into Clarke’s own. “Perhaps it was wrong of me to want to plan his life like that, I can admit that. Perhaps it was selfish of me to want to be part of the Conclave as his amin and as his nomon.” Lexa’s bottom lip quivered and Clarke had to fight with herself to not embrace her. “I had planned to be at his side through the most gruelling trial of his _life_.” Lexa inhaled a calming breath, clearly fighting to control her whirling emotions. “And _you_ took that away from me, Clarke.” The anger was creeping back, allowing Lexa to reel herself in.

Clarke groaned and ran a hand through her hair, her own eyes stinging as she tried to figure out how to respond to _that_. Seriously, of course Lexa would have wanted to be part of it. Yes, it was Aiden’s journey, but Lexa had been right there with him from the instant she had handed him his first wooden sword when he was four years old. Clarke had watched Lexa push Aiden to his limits and comfort him in his failures, literally and figuratively picking him up from the ground and holding him until he asked her to push him again.

“I’m sorry…” Clarke whispered, rapidly filling with even more guilt and stress than she already had been under. “I’m so fucking sorry, Leks.”

It sounded as hollow as Clarke had anticipated it would.

“Just make sure that he keeps on training.” Lexa instructed, not really looking at Clarke. The Heda mask firmly back in place again. “Let him stick with his lance. It’s not as sharp as a sword, but he’s deceptively fast for his size and has the power to make his hits count.”

Clarke nodded eagerly, lapping up the offer of guidance.

“He’s prepared. He knows what he needs to do. He’s an excellent warrior. You just need to make sure that his mind stays focused on his matches. _Nothing_ else. He needn’t know about Ilian; he needn’t know how angry I am with both of you. None of that matters now.”

Clarke nodded obediently. Tired of fighting.

“And do not, under any circumstances, engage Ilian again.” The Heda commanded. “Nor will you seek out Roan regarding this matter. Do you understand me, Clarke?”

Clarke was instantly riled again. “He threatened Aiden! I can’t just do _nothing_! You heard him, Leksa!”

Lexa’s jaw twitched, but her face remained infuriatingly blank. “I heard him ask you a few questions to unsettle you.”

Clarke wanted to object, until she replayed the incident in her mind and realised that that was true. Ilian hadn’t admitted to anything.

“Ignis’s skat being in this Conclave could mean nothing, or it could mean everything.” Lexa explicated. “Ilian could be here to seek vengeance, or he could be here to honour his brave father and elevate himself.”

Clarke looked away, her instincts told her that any threat to her family, no matter how minor or vague, needed to be taken out. Usually, Lexa would agree and Clarke wondered whether she was blinded by her guilt over Ignis, or if Lexa was simply holding novitiates in the Conclave to a higher standard. As she should.

“You are better than this.” Lexa stated and Clarke looked back at her. “You’re not thinking clearly and you’re making mistakes because he’s our son.”

Clarke looked down again, because Ilian had played her and she’d fallen for the blatant provocation way too easily. She was far too emotionally invested to be playing her usual games, especially when she was playing without the facts. Clarke had been a second away from slicing her sword across Ilian’s throat. And what would that have meant for their alliance with Azgeda? For their standing within the clans? For the trust and respect they’d painstakingly cultivated for over two decades.

“And because he’s our son, you can’t afford to be making _any_ mistakes, Clarke.”

Clarke cringed, but locked her eyes back on Lexa. The words weren’t meant as an insult, but an understanding. It was why Lexa didn’t want Aiden in the Conclave just yet because she knew how hard it would be for her to remain objective.

“Now I’m going to ask you again to calm yourself for our son’s sake and not make this situation any worse than you already have.”

_Fucking ouch._

Clarke didn’t like the dismissive tone, but she could hardly blame Lexa for being pissed.

“Sha, Heda.” She still couldn’t help but react with a little bit of defiance.

Lexa didn’t seem to care, as she spun on her heel and stalked off. Clarke stood watching the spot she disappeared in for a while until Anya walked up next to her, bow in hand and quiver slung over her shoulder; red and black feathers sticking out. She made them herself, just like Lexa had taught her.

“Will Nomon forgive you?” She worriedly asked.

Like Clarke, Anya had thought their relationship indestructible. But so much damage had been caused… Clarke honestly didn’t know anymore.

“Of course, she will.” Clarke smiled, hoping that it would be enough to put Anya’s heart at ease. “Your Nomon is incapable of staying mad at me.”

* * *

Clarke stood behind the stables where their family trained, watching Aiden spar with various members of their personal guard.

Like with Clarke, Lexa had worked with Aiden’s unique style, and though he had taken to favouring the lance like his nomon, Aiden’s movements were decidedly different. He was less graceful than Lexa, but made up for it in brute strength. But much like Lexa though, he was doggedly precise and quick enough to block blows. He didn’t waste attacks and instead waited for the perfect moment to strike. Lexa had taught him patience, because of his size, he would tire too soon. He played a long game, regulating the pace of the battle to suit him and was in perfect control of every match Clarke had ever watched him in.

“He’s magnificent…” Echo murmured beside her and Clarke’s chin lifted, before she immediately deflated again. Yes, she was proud of him, but it was Lexa who had mentored him to be such a skilled warrior, wasn’t it? And yet it was Clarke now who stood by his side through the Conclave. Lexa was right, Clarke had taken this experience away from her.

“Move your feet, Wrex!” Echo instructed her son while he struck at a training dummy closer to them and away from where Aiden trained. The boy immediately corrected with a resolute intensity, the spitting image of his mother.

Jake sat off to the side, writing in his journal, blissfully oblivious to the world around him. No one was allowed to see his journal, because it was filled with stories he was too shy to share just yet. Clarke had one made for him, the same way she had Lexa’s journals made each year, engraved with her name on each of them. Clarke hoped that Jake would want to become an historian and document the history of their people. Maybe he could write about the impact of Skaikru crashing down on Trikru lands; both the positive and negative aspects of that momentous event. Lexa’s life was definitely something Clarke felt needed to be documented accurately.

Jake loved to read and write and Wrex loved to be his nomon’s seken and could care less about academics. They were best friends and complete opposites. Clarke had worried that as they grew into themselves, they would grow apart. But Wrex kept at Jake’s side, both of them happy to do their own thing, as long as they were doing it in close proximity.

Clarke loved Wrex like he was her own son. Each year, she would go to Wrex's room, that used to be hers, and draw whatever he wanted for his birthday on the walls. That year though, he'd requested a drawing of a horse, a young colt he’d been eyeing in the Commander’s stables, in particular. After discussing it with Bellamy and Echo, the horse was given as a gift from her and Lexa at his birthday party, cementing Clarke as his favourite person _ever_.

Wrex was tiring at the training dummy though, so Echo instructed him to stop and cooldown.

“I’ll take them to my house while you work with Aiden.” Echo suggested when Wrex finished his stretches.

Clarke thanked her and watched as Jake carefully packed his journal into his satchel. Wrex walked over and took his hand, helping him up. They then continued to hold hands as they followed after Echo, waving goodbye to Clarke as they went.

Echo sent a smirk over her shoulder at Clarke who grinned back at her.

The handholding was new. So was the occasional blushing and shy looks. They were too young, Clarke’s mind screamed even as her heart warmed, wanting them to be together forever.

She wasn’t sure what was happening with their sons, but they’d decided amongst themselves to just wait and see. Jake was her baby and Clarke had loved him since the second he was born…

* * *

Clarke was grumpy because she was seated on her fourth horse in as many trips. Cocoa had needed to retire and every horse Clarke had tried to replace her with, simply didn’t compare.

They were riding home from a trip to the Horse Clan, where Lexa had sworn in their new leader to the Heda’s Coalition; a woman Clarke instantly disliked because of her desperate need to get the Commander alone in ‘meetings’.

Lexa replaced her own horse with an identical black stallion every five years. She had smugly explained to Clarke that she did this as to not get attached. _Yeah, right_. Lexa personally groomed each of her retired stallions back at the stables as often as she had time, sometimes recruiting the children to help too. Now she just had more of them that she was attached to and refused to admit it.

Clarke glared at Lexa who was riding next to her, to which she received a surprised lift of Lexa’s eyebrows at the unfounded intensity. Clarke irritably shifted in her saddle and Lexa hid her knowing smile before she resumed watching Anya and Aiden on their chestnut mares, riding side-by-side just ahead of them.

Both of their kids were dressed in warrior leathers. Eleven-year-old Aiden was armed with a broadsword custom-made for his build and ten-year-old Anya carried her small bow and quiver. They both vigilantly scanned their surroundings even as they teased each other, every now and then an arm or a leg would shoot out to try and hit the other.

Anya was quicker, and Aiden was wary of hitting his sister, which she took advantage of as she nearly knocked him off of his horse but quickly grabbed his arm to steady him again in his saddle.

Very carefully, the both of them looked back and Lexa, who’d been smiling at the display, quickly pulled on a scolding façade to match Clarke’s. The kids gulped and looked forward again, behaving themselves for the time being.

Clarke chuckled under her breath.

A few months earlier, she’d gone to fetch them for dinner where they were sparring behind the stables. Something they shouldn’t have been doing unsupervised. She’d stopped from scolding them when she’d heard the conversation as their training staffs hit each other. Well, as Anya hit Aiden’s training staff.

_“You’re holding back.” Anya angrily accused._

_Aiden didn’t answer her._

_“Leksa will not like that.” Anya warned. “I will tell her that you won’t train with me because I’m a girl.”_

_“It’s not that!” Aiden hastily defended._

_“Then fight me!”_

_“No!”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Nomon said that families are supposed to protect each other, not fight!”_

_Clarke’s heart clenched so hard she was almost certain the children could hear it creak in the quiet that fell over them._

_“I’m family?” Anya murmured._

_Aiden scoffed so loudly that Clarke’s own disheartened sigh went disguised. Anya had been with them over two years and though they were careful not to insinuate themselves as replacements for the family she’d lost, or encroach on those memories in any way, they did consider Anya their child._

_“Yes. And it’s weird that you call our nomons by their names.” Aiden said and when Clarke heard him marching toward her hiding place she’d made as though she was just walking up to them._

_It had taken three days before Anya had mustered up the courage to call Lexa, nomon. Lexa had cried herself to sleep that night in Clarke’s arms. It took her a two more days to call Clarke mom. Clarke had cried harder, because she’d feared that Anya wouldn’t ever see her as such._

“Clarke?” Lexa queried, brow furrowed as she studied Clarke’s face.

Clarke wasn’t sure what her face looked like but she smiled and waved it off. It was only good things anyway. Lexa looked about to ask more, when shouts from the scouts ahead caught their attention.

In sync, Clarke and Lexa moved their horses to flank the children as one of their warriors rode up to the Commander.

“About two miles up ahead, Heda, a family had been attacked by raiders. A man is dead and his wife lays dying. He looked to Clarke then. She’s with child, Pauna.”

Clarke was staring at Anya though. The little girl was rigid and trembling and Clarke wanted to shout at the guard for not being more careful with his words around their children.

Lexa too, briefly glanced at Anya.

“Get on my horse, Onya.” Clarke murmured, gently touching her shoulder.

Lexa and Clarke both waited with baited breath, until Anya complied, hooking her bow and quiver onto her horse’s saddle and then slid into the saddle in front of Clarke.

Only after Clarke gave Lexa a nod that she’s got Anya, Lexa started issuing orders. She instructed a few warriors to go secure the area and then sent Nyko after them to assist the pregnant woman. Lexa then called a few warriors closer and sent them ahead with a tracker to see if they could trail the raiders.

Lexa then looked to Clarke.

“I’ll stay here, five should be enough, we can run if we’re outnumbered. Go ahead.”

Lexa nodded divided the warriors, then looked to Aiden who was already anxiously trotting his horse in place, ready to go, even as he worriedly glanced at Anya. They’d spoken at length about how much they would expose the kids to. Sheltering them too much in the world they lived in, seemed like too naïve a thing to do.

Didn’t mean they liked the decision they had made and Lexa sighed and gave Aiden a firm nod.

“Come on, Seken. Don’t fall behind.” She ordered and kicked her horse forward.

Aiden glanced at Anya again and after his sister waved him off, he smiled at her and instantly raced his horse after Lexa, leaving Clarke with a small contingent and the wagon filled with their luggage.

Clarke sat on her stagnant horse, arms loosely wrapped around Anya to not make her feel trapped, even when she wanted to tighten the embrace for comfort. Clarke could feel her little heart furiously pounding.

“I want to see them.” Anya whispered and Clarke stiffened in instant protest. “Naikou might need you.” She started to explain. “Please, Mom.”

_And fuck._

The title was still novel enough to turn Clarke into instant mush and could easily be used as a weapon of manipulation. Besides, Clarke was really worried about the woman too.

Wordlessly, Clarke started her horse forward and with their guards, trotted down the path until they came across a tipped over and ransacked cart and more of their guards in outlook positions. A body lay on the ground beside the cart, covered by a blanket and a few yards away, Nyko sat on the ground next to a woman laying on her back, her stomach bulging and standing out just above it, embedded in her chest, was the end of an arrow.

Clarke subconsciously pushed her horse faster and dismounted before it even came to a stop as she fell to her knees beside Nyko.

“She’s bleeding out fast. I don’t know about the baby, but she looks close to term. She isn’t ready for labour nor in any condition to deliver a child.” Nyko quickly caught Clarke up.

Clarke nodded, about to get her medical bag when it appeared in front of her face. Clarke took a hold of it and looked up into a set of determined dark eyes.

Clarke wanted to tell Anya to go wait by their wagon, but Anya just walked to the semi-conscious woman, knelt down and took hold of her hand.

The woman stirred, blood trickling from the corner of her mouth as she groggily stared at Anya.

“ _My mom is the best healer in all of the clans_.” Anya confidently whispered in Trigedasleng. “ _Everything will be okay_.”

Clarke swallowed the knot in her throat and met Nyko’s eyes. They quickly set to work while Anya murmured to the woman in what Clarke could imagine was in imitation of the calming way Lexa had spoken to her in the hospital.

They performed a caesarean and after Clarke removed the tiny blue, blood covered, baby boy, Nyko moved to attempt to save his mother. Clarke carried him away to the wagon where she’d instructed a bucket of lukewarm water to be placed with some cloths to clean him up. She worked on him for almost thirty minutes, desperately willing him to breathe.

He had a head of dark curly hair and for some reason, Clarke desperately needed to see his eyes.

Sweat covered her brow while she focused, needing to apply just enough pressure to save him, but not crush his frail little body. She knew that the woman wouldn’t make it and needed to save this baby boy, at the very least for Anya’s sake.

 _Someone_ needed to survive this horror.

Finally, blue flesh had pinkened as Clarke manually circulated blood through his body and a weak little wail sprung free from tiny lungs. Clarke carefully wrapped him in the softest furs they had and kept him close to her chest, a flare of protectiveness causing her to gently rock him and space out for far too long given the dire circumstances. Clarke was instantly attached and attempted to calm her worry and relax the tension in her body, to avoid him picking up on it.

Though he was alive, he was far from safe. She needed to get him home and out of the outside world swarming with potential for fatal infections.

Clarke turned to Nyko, but the small relieved smile instantly fell from her face as the woman was now entirely covered with a blanket. Nyko sat on the ground next to her, and next to him sat Anya, still clutching onto the woman’s hand.

Clarke’s eyes shot full of tears that she thickly swallowed back.

“Ahn.” She croaked and had to clear her throat. “ _Onya_.” She called again and the little girl looked up at her with teary eyes. “Beja, Yujon, kom op hir.”

Anya seemed reluctant to let go of the woman, but Nyko gave her a quick, tender, hug and then took the woman’s hand from her, taking up the position Anya had relegated herself, and finally Anya made her way over.

Clarke watched her daughter’s eyes darting toward where the man’s body lay. From what they’d been able to gather, Anya had been very close to both her parents, her father especially, who had taught her to hunt with a bow.

“He’s okay for now.” Clarke started explaining to distract Anya while she guided her to sit down next to the wagon. “But we’ll need to keep him warm and get him to the hospital as soon as possible.”

Clarke then situated the baby in Anya’s arms, directing her small arms into the best way to hold the tiny boy.

“Keep him close to your body, okay?” Clarke instructed and Anya instantly nodded, staring down at the head of wild dark curls sticking out of the furs in wonder. “Your heartbeat will keep him strong and let him know that he’s safe.” Clarke explained. “I’m going to send someone to tell Nomon that we need to get back to Polis.”

Anya nodded determinedly, focused intently on holding the baby like Clarke had shown her.

While Clarke arranged for a pyre to be built, a guard to go fetch Lexa and cleaned all the blood from her body as best she could, she hoped and prayed that the baby would survive, because both she and Anya desperately needed him to.

It had been a tough week that followed as Clarke – and Anya - spent most of their time with the baby, fighting to keep him alive. The relief that set in when he steadily grew stronger, was overshadowed as they searched for any extended family he might’ve had. Anya, at least, had been old enough to tell them if she’d had any other family.

It was too late for Clarke to backtrack. He’d become family as she’d laid him on her bare chest and softly hummed to him at various points throughout the day.

“I can stop them from looking.” Lexa murmured as she held Clarke in her arms as Clarke held Jake in hers.

“I don’t want anyone showing up later and taking him away.” Clarke husked, a thick knot in her throat and pressed her nose in his hair and inhaled his baby scent to calm herself.

“Then I will make sure that we search everywhere, as fast as possible.” Lexa vowed and placed a loving kiss on Clarke’s temple and another on Jake’s head.

Whenever Clarke couldn’t hold him, Lexa had been there to step in. She’d taken one look at Clarke and Anya when she and Aiden had returned from hunting down the raiders and hadn’t asked any questions. When they’d arrived home, Lexa had recruited their son and they’d gone to fetch Aiden’s old crib and placed it in their room.

Clarke knew that naming him Jake hadn’t helped at all. And it took _years_ before the dreaded feeling that a family member would show up to claim him had dissipated and Clarke’s mind had finally allowed him to fully be hers.

* * *

Clarke was plagued by random memories of her children and her own childhood and teenage years, whilst trying to seem unaffected by the fact that her son would be fighting in the Conclave soon. It really made her contemplate her life. Was she a horrible parent fo allowing Aiden to risk his life and the worst partner ever, for doing it against her wife’s wishes?

It didn’t help that Lexa, who was usually her rock during such insecure moments of self-doubt, acted as though Clarke had ceased to exist and had started holding their daughter at arm’s length too, wrongly suspecting that Anya might only be at her side to spy on her for Clarke.

Clarke had broken her family and she wasn’t sure how to fix it.

But she decided to stay strong for Aiden as per Lexa’s instruction, knowing how much it had meant to Clarke when Echo had done the same for her.

The atmosphere in the arena on the day of the first round of battles, was _electric_. The people had their favourites and given that they were in Polis, much of the support was split between Aiden and the Trikru warrior, both having the majority of supporters backing them.

From her seat next to the Antler Throne, Clarke watched Lexa’s hands in her lap, her fingers anxiously worrying at her Binding Bracelet. She was looking gorgeous in a long black dress, her skin shimmering golden in the light, and her eyes dark and smoky with kohl lining.

Clarke dismally wondered whether Lexa wanted to pull the bracelet off of her wrist and throw it in Clarke’s face.

Grunt was readying to do the draw for the match-ups. There would need to be a few extra battles that day to rank the winners and eliminate the bottom seven, due to the uneven numbers.

Lexa had opted not to be involved and decided on having a few people from the crowd come up to draw the coloured wooden blocks denoting each candidate from the bags.

In spite of these precautions, as Grunt explained the similar features that made the blocks indistinguishable when not seen, a few suspicious gazes went to Aiden as the candidates stood lined up at the bottom of the steps, even though he would be fighting the same as them in front of everyone.

Clarke wasn’t sure what was happening down there, but the candidates started murmuring amongst each other and Grunt paused to glare at them. All the novitiates stared at Gaius from the Valley Clan, who was pompously smirking, before he stepped forward to the foot of the steps and glared up at the Antler Throne.

“I challenge Leksa kom Trikru to Heda Solou Gonplei!” He shouted loud enough for some to hear and spread the word to those who hadn’t.

Gaius then drew his sword, pointed its tip in Lexa’s direction and that was really all the information everyone needed as to what was going on.

Lexa’s personal guard instinctively drew their weapons a moment after Gaius, even Aiden, out of habit, who stood glaring between Gaius’s back and the Commander, waiting for instruction. The crowd boo’d and Lexa lifted her hand, quieting them and holding back her guards in one smooth motion.

Lexa elegantly rose from her seat and instantly Varrick scrambled out of his aisle and fell to his knees a few steps below her.

“Apologies, Heda! Gaius acts alone and without the support of the Valley Clan!”

It was a bold statement – because what if Gaius won? - that had Clarke valuing the man’s loyalty anew, yet Lexa ignored him entirely. Instead her intense gaze never left Gaius still stood at the bottom of the steps, sword raised in smarmy silence, disbelieving murmurs of _Heda Solou Gonplei_ droning all around them throughout the stunned crowds.

Lexa daintily stepped out of her pretty shoes, then – without breaking her glare on Gaius – bent at the waist to lift the hem of her beautiful dress and ripped the fabric on either side till it split to mid-thigh.

Clarke realised then that Lexa had no intention of calling for her armour and she gripped onto the arms of her chair, biting hard on her tongue.

“Theo.” Lexa lowly commanded as she straightened to her full height again and waited for her guard to step forward with her katanas. Only once he was beside her, did Lexa look away from Gaius and to the sheathed blades Theo presented her with.

Lexa pulled out only one of them, twirled it skilfully, before she held it diagonally at her side and steadily started her way down the multitude of steps. Her bare feet padded passed a pale looking Varrick, her eyes trained intently on Gaius, where the novitiates had formed a wide circle around him in anticipation.

Clarke wanted to grab Lexa and pull her back; shout at her to put on some fucking armour, but she felt numerous eyes on her. The eyes of her children especially. Clarke had noticed that when people were uncertain as to what to make of Lexa’s actions and decisions, they would look to Clarke for cues on how to react.

So Clarke didn’t look at her children, who were probably scared. She didn’t call Jake to her like she wanted to, to reassure him in that moment. Instead, Clarke lifted her chin and relaxed her posture and glared down at Gaius in complete solidarity with her stubborn fucking wife.

Almost immediately, those who could see her faith and support started cheering as the Heda swiftly descended the steps, picking up speed to the excited thrum of the crowd.

Gaius had chosen the absolute worst time to fuck with Lexa, that was for sure. Clarke would’ve felt sorry for him if she didn’t want to slice his smarmy, _nomonjoken_ throat right open.

Lexa struck out first, experimentally, and the clash of steel would’ve been drowned by the cheers, was the fight not happening so close to their side of the stadium. Clarke relaxed a little more as she watched Lexa meticulously feeling out her opponent. She’d studied the fighting style of all the candidates. Lexa had made it her mission to know everything she could about each and every one of them.

Barefoot, Lexa was even lighter and faster than usual and Clarke became lost in the familiar and beautiful dance of her ninja ballerina.

Gaius was no slouch either, though he hadn’t landed a strike, he defended expertly and his offensive strikes were well-placed and powerful.

Clarke had watched him at the Pits, he was definitely skilled, hence the arrogance, but everyone could sense the build in the air. The way Lexa increased her power and speed. It was like sex. To Clarke. Lexa fought like she fucked. When she gained the upper-hand and started pushing her body towards its peak, there was no stopping her. All you could do was try to keep up with her momentum and hope you survived by the end of it.

Clarke swallowed thickly and shifted in her seat. Yeah, Gaius was a great fighter, but that hardly mattered when the Heda of the United Territories came bearing down on you in all her magnificent fury.

Lexa struck at him with all of the frustration she’d been feeling since the opening ceremony. She moved like water. Smooth and effortless. Her motions seemed to have no end as a block would extend into a strike, into a twirl, into a stab.

_Merciless._

Once Gaius had no choice but to fall into a permanent defence, Lexa didn’t stop advancing and he was forced to retreat. Clearly shocked at the intensity and the absolute ferocity, Gaius managed to hold up against the onslaught until he stumbled only slightly; offering the tiniest of openings and Lexa struck out like a snake, her blade sliced across his sword arm, deftly in the space between his armour and deep enough for blood to spurt from the wound as though she’d severed an artery. He cried out, lowered his sword and was immediately struck with the handle of her katana to his temple.

Lexa hit him so hard that it made Clarke’s teeth ache in sympathy.

It was over. Clarke knew it. The crowd knew it. A visibly disorientated and bent over Gaius had just enough time to realise it, before Lexa’s knee violently connected with his face and sent him flying backwards through the air.

He must’ve bit his tongue or cheek, because even from her position, Clarke could see the blood grotesquely spewing from his mouth, before he landed with a thud on his back.

The tip of Lexa’s sword was at his throat the instant he hit the ground. She glared down at him as he sputtered and choked on his own blood and just for a second, Clarke – and the entire crowd – wondered if Lexa would kill him.

They let out a collective breath of relief when Lexa instead sneered down at Gaius one final time, before she turned to her people. They watched her in anticipation and when Lexa flicked the excess blood off her blade and then raised it into the air, they roared in answer.

 _Heda! Heda! Heda! Heda!_ They crazily chanted as Lexa soaked up the reverence, chest heaving, brow covered in sweat as she glared at the circle of novitiates who lowered onto their knees under the challenging glare in a show of respect and acknowledgement. Even Ilian.

Clarke watched Jake jumping up and down and chanting with the crowd. She watched Anya’s eyes sparkling with admiration. She watched Aiden’s chest expand where he hadn’t taken his eyes off of the Commander once.

Clarke settled back in her seat when Lexa finally made her way back up. Her body glitter shimmered in contrast to the dark splatters of Gaius’s blood across her chest and arms and still Lexa managed to look like a goddess as she glided up the steps.

Despite Lexa doing a great job at hiding it, Clarke noticed her favouring her left leg. She’d seen the injury before and knew the signs of how Lexa had hurt herself. Most likely with that brutal knee to Gaius’s face.

Varrick directed some of his people to go get Gaius from the ground where he lay in a puddle of blood. “We can leave, Heda.” He carefully offered as Lexa passed him once again.

Lexa didn’t stop or look at him. “Stay.” She dismissed, before she reached her throne and regally sat back down. Each of her movements were expertly choreographed to paint a picture of control and power in the minds of thousands.

Clarke was as enraptured by her as all of their people were.

Lexa waited a moment while the crowd continued to wildly cheer, before she raised her hand in the air and silence instantly fell. Lexa then nodded to Grunt, who rummaged through the black cloth bags and removed a light green wooden block that marked Gaius of the Valley Clan.

He walked over and placed the block down at Lexa’s feet, slightly out of the way so it wouldn’t be a hindrance and went back to the mic to finally start the draw. Grunt joked that at least the numbers were even now and the crowd easily went along with yet another change in plan – the original plan - still high on the Heda’s glorious display of dominance.

Only Lexa sat firm and expressionless, while Clarke surreptitiously glanced at the light green block at the Commander’s feet.

* * *

The Heda held power, because she controlled all the armies of the clans. And the warriors would only follow the best amongst them. That had been the way on the Ground for over a century, hence the tradition of Heda Solou Gonplei. Sure, Lexa could’ve chosen her successor, and though the people might’ve excepted it, the warriors, especially the older ones, definitely wouldn’t have. And what was a Commander without a loyal army to command?

For any new Heda, it was the warriors willing to follow them that demonstrated their strength, allowing them the time to prove themselves. The Heda before Lexa, had the massive Ice Nation army at his back. Lexa had the mighty Trigedakru. Without that backing, it would just be a stranger standing in front of the clans, asking them to listen and obey.

Lexa had taken strides throughout the years to sneakily demilitarize the clans by creating occupations that didn’t involve solely being a warrior. She made it her mission to prioritize farming and textile manufacturing, making sure that the people could keep themselves clothed and fed.

She gave the clan leaders power to vote on decisions which affected their clans, but they were still a long way away from establishing a fairly functioning government.

Hence the Conclave.

Lexa didn’t like it. Clarke didn’t like it. But they had done as much as they could for their people.

Clarke’s heart at least had some respite that day, because Aiden had been matched with the Trikru warrior. A nod from Lincoln told Clarke that his candidate still had no interest in unnecessary bloodshed as they’d discussed prior to the first round. So all Clarke needed to worry about was picking up the pieces, if Aiden were to lose.

She couldn’t help but intently watch Ilian’s match. He was great. He’d chosen to fight with a lance, and Clarke wondered whether it was a message to Lexa. Roan stood and clapped, already confident in the win the Azgedan warrior achieved only moments thereafter. Ilian held his lance tip to his opponent’s throat, who conceded with three taps to the ground.

Ilian swiftly pulled his lance away and helped the fallen novitiate up and clapped him on the back with a friendly grin. He had a charismatic way about him that made Clarke feel conflicted while she watched Roan give him a hug in congratulations.

Aiden’s battle went about the same as Ilian’s. Both opponents fought a clean match. Aiden received a swipe of a sword across his forearm. The blade was favoured for the easy damage it caused when a hit landed, whereas the lance would require a precise jab or slice to cause damage. Aiden made use of his reach advantage when he ducked under a swing and in the same motion swept his opponent off of his feet, quickly following it up with a swift blow to the chest that knocked the wind right out of him.

The defeat was met with the same congeniality as the others and Clarke breathed a sigh of relief that this Conclave wouldn’t be a massacre. Honestly, her tournament had been far worse and more intense. Maybe the lasting peace had caused the tribal need for bloodshed to have faded from the clans?

With Aiden safe for the time being, Clarke allowed herself to relax fully as she watched the remaining battles, musing to herself how Lexa’s display had overshadowed everything the rest of the candidates could come up with. The matches were actually a bit boring in comparison.

That was until Jon of the Desert Clan stabbed his sword clean through his opponent’s stomach and ripped it out again causing guts to spill from his abdomen.

Clarke’s eyes flew to Jake whose face was hidden in Anya’s neck and dreaded how much he’d seen. He was a sensitive boy, with a vivid imagination, meaning that his nightmares were especially detailed when he did have them. Fighting the urge to go to him, she ground her teeth and stoically sat, while half the crowd boo’d and the rest cheered the massive man on.

Objectively, Jon’s actions made sense. He’d done very poorly in the tasks and wasn’t as intelligent as the other candidates. His strength was his physicality and he was pushing everything he had into that.

He had no business being in the Conclave. Clarke had spoken briefly to him in company and he was good at faking compassion and an interest in the needs of their people. Clarke hadn’t expected the viciousness from him, though. He’d fooled many people. Hector, in particular, who looked on with a pale face as he finally realised he’d made a terrible mistake.

* * *

Dinner that night was a mixture of genuine and false cheer. Everyone was happy that Aiden had won his match, well more that he wasn’t injured or worse, while they feared what would happen in the next round. Abby had even managed to keep her worry to herself, while she passive aggressively re-checked Aiden’s wound that Clarke had already cleaned and dressed.

Aiden though, couldn’t quite hide his disappointment, because Lexa wasn’t at dinner that night to share in his victory. Clarke knew that as much as Lexa had wanted to share this experience with him, Aiden had wanted to share it with Lexa too. Perhaps even more so.

Anya seemed perpetually torn since Lexa had stopped asking for her assistance. Clarke was worried too, not only that Lexa had thrown up a protective wall between herself and her family, but balancing entertaining the delegations and making sure the Conclave events ran smoothly, took _a lot_ of work and energy.

Clarke had informed Anya of her suspicions as to why Lexa had withdrawn and had taken responsibility for that, so that Anya wouldn’t take it personally. And now Anya seemed to only cling to Jake, the one remaining neutral party in their family.

And Jake, well Jake was distracted enough by Wrex who couldn’t stop talking about all the candidates and the battles, and especially about how amazing Aunt Lexa had been and how he was going to grow up to fight just like her.

Clarke had thankfully only needed to explain once to Jake, that Lexa was working with the clan leaders that night and that was why she wasn’t present at dinner.

* * *

Clarke was seated on the Antler Throne again, though she was alone in the throne room. She stared toward the couch placed next to Lexa’s desk; at the pillow and neatly folded blanket on it in particular, which indicated where Lexa had been spending her nights.

No one entered the throne room without the Heda’s expressed permission. No one save for Clarke of course. It was the only place Lexa wouldn’t be found and risk having the staff gossip and their children possibly hearing that she no longer shared a bed with Clarke. Lexa had still somehow managed to relegated herself to a couch.

Clarke sat hunched on the throne, blearily blinking. Her eyes felt dry and they burned with exhaustion, but she refused to succumb to the pull of sleep. It was the middle of the night, Clarke wasn’t sure what the time was, only that the house was so quiet that it loudly buzzed in her ears.

Finally, she heard the familiar sound of the wall behind the throne sliding open. Lexa’s footsteps were barely audible, but Clarke heard them falter when Lexa most likely noticed her presence.

The Heda walked passed though - saturated in the faint scent of soap - toward the couch and Clarke slowly got up to follow.

“Lay down.” Clarke tiredly instructed and Lexa turned to where Clarke had stopped at the desk, to stare at her in disbelief.

“Take off your pants and lay down on the couch, Leksa.” Clarke ordered again and went to open her medical bag on Lexa’s desk.

She pulled out a pot of ointment and watched Lexa realise why she was there. Lexa bit her lip, contemplating being difficult no doubt, but Clarke just patiently waited and didn’t push.

Silently, Lexa took off her shoes and then her pants and bit back a wince, at which point Clarke had to stop herself from going over to help. But eventually Lexa managed, and dressed in only a shirt and underwear, went to obediently lay down on her stomach on the couch.

Clarke carefully neared her and placed a knee on the couch, hovering over Lexa’s beautiful legs. She scooped some of the ointment onto her hands, making sure to warm it first, before she expertly started massaging it into Lexa’s muscular thigh.

And this was why Lexa needed to retire. She was in excellent shape and kept up a strict training regimen. Skill wise, she was probably at her peak, but injuries happened more frequently now and reinjuring old ones didn’t heal properly anymore. If Lexa didn’t step down soon, chances were good that someone younger and bigger would take advantage of that and the clans would have a new Heda and their children would lose a mother.

Clarke shook away the morbid thought and refocused on her task.

Neither of them said a word and the buzzing was back in Clarke’s ears. Usually Lexa would be softly grunting or moaning or teasing Clarke that she was an old woman and would need to get a walking stick and would Clarke still love her then? Like there was even a chance that Clarke would ever not love her.

More often than not, they ended up having sex before Clarke was even finished working on Lexa’s muscles.

But Lexa didn’t make a sound that night and that now permanent ache in Clarke’s heart grew sharper.

Clarke prolonged the contact, focusing on where Guwain had ordered an arrow into Lexa’s thigh while she battled Ontari. She kept on touching Lexa until her fingers cramped up. More tired than anything. Clarke would give anything for Lexa to just talk to her again, even just to shout at her.

“Leks…” Clarke’s voice broke and her eyes burned when Lexa’s body shuddered and she turned her face toward the back of the couch. Hiding.

Clarke couldn’t take it anymore. She got off of Lexa and hopelessly sat down on the floor and rested her back against the couch, head leaning against Lexa’s hips, just to maintain some form of contact.

Lexa remained silent and Clarke blinked, both surprised and not, when she felt the tears on her face. She futilely wiped at her cheeks, trying not to sniffle. Because Clarke knew that if Lexa saw her crying that she would comfort her, and Clarke didn’t want Lexa’s attention like that. She wanted Lexa to not be mad at her anymore. Not push aside her own feelings to take care of Clarke.

Lexa’s hand was hanging right next to her though and she couldn’t help herself. Clarke reached out and took Lexa’s hand, gently holding it so that Lexa could pull away if she wanted to.

“I miss your face…” Clarke’s voice came out more rasp than words and she wasn’t sure if Lexa even heard her. But she had to press her free hand to her mouth to keep a sob from escaping when Lexa laced their fingers tightly together.

Lexa didn’t move or say anything and it took a while for Clarke to compose herself enough to try and speak again. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, clutching onto Lexa’s hand while she quietly shook with sobs; aching with exhaustion. But when Clarke finally mustered the courage to open her mouth, uncertain as to what she would even say, a soft snore from the couch interrupted her.

Clarke had to muffle whatever sound was about to escape her; maybe a laugh or another choked sob. Her heart hurt so much and yet felt full at the same time as Lexa quietly slept whilst holding her hand. She carefully rested her head back against Lexa’s hips, causing Lexa to mumble something nonsensical and shift closer to her.

Clarke smiled with trembling lips and closed her eyes too.

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone  
> I’ve been swamped at work, hence me only posting today.  
> This chapter was a monster, so I decided to split it into two, not sure why, but it makes me feel like it’s easier to read? I dunno. It was definitely easier for me to edit it this way. For some reason. Anyway, I’m exhausted and it makes my English slip, so let’s hope the grammar and bland vocabulary isn’t too distracting, I honestly might delete everything if I have to go through 18000 words one more time. lol  
> Hope you enjoy!

 

Clarke woke up alone.

It was morning and she lay on the couch: A comfy pillow beneath her head, boots off and a blanket keeping her warm. She could vaguely remember being picked up from the floor and might also have hugged Lexa to her for a while, too exhausted and happy at being touched to wake up fully and realise what was happening.

But Lexa was gone again; the throne room empty, and Clarke let out a long-suffering sigh as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and emotionally prepared herself for another day.

* * *

In an attempt to dull her mind, Clarke sat mechanically completing paperwork in her office. It wasn’t working. Her brain and heart wouldn’t stop racing with fear for Aiden and the need to find Lexa and make things right between them. She was grateful for the knock on her open door until she looked up and saw Abby standing there.

Clarke sighed and resignedly leaned back into her chair as her mother entered, closed the door behind her and took the guest chair opposite the desk.

“What are you doing, Clarke?” Abby just barely managed to keep the scolding tone out of her voice.

“Paperwork.” Clarke dryly replied.

Her family avoided her. Abby and Raven, even Kane was pleasant but Clarke knew he didn’t approve. Lincoln and Octavia were staying in the guest house, which they never did. They said it was so their kids wouldn’t distract Aiden, but Clarke knew it was because they judged her for what she’d done. Clarke wasn’t sure what Indra thought, she’d simply commented that Aiden was his mothers’ son. Grunt was an ally of sorts, but he remained at Lexa’s side when the Commander allowed it. He was probably updating Lexa on Aiden, which was also why Clarke had asked him to keep an eye on Aiden whenever she checked on the hospital, so that he could report back to Lexa who was probably out of her mind with worry even through her stubbornness.

Anya had disappeared, trying to not seem as though she was choosing sides even as she still supported Aiden who has put all his time and energy into the Conclave with a disconcerting intensity. Clarke was the least hurt by her daughter, because she actually agreed with how Anya was handling the situation. Clarke missed her though; missed having them all together and happy.

At least she still had Echo, because, predictably, Bellamy too had chosen to side with Lexa and thought – like the rest of them - that Clarke had wilfully placed her child in danger.

“Why haven’t I seen Lexa in days?” Abby accused, causing Clarke to frown.

“You haven’t spoken to her?”

Clarke had thought that Lexa had at least accepted Abby’s comfort and understanding. She’d assumed that since they all hated her now, they would be spending their time discussing how much she’d fucked up, with Lexa. Or at least attempt to discuss it. Clarke knew that Lexa wouldn’t indulge talk like that, no matter how angry she was at Clarke.

“I would, if I could find her.” Abby irritably answered. “She doesn’t come to dinner, I don’t see her in the house. I hear that she’s sometimes with the delegations, but Grunt has taken up most of those duties... I know what she’s going through and someone needs to be there for her now, since this family is being torn apart by your irresponsible, and quite frankly, very _selfish_ decisions, Clarke.”

Clarke would’ve reacted more to the words if she hadn’t been telling herself those exact same things. Her main concern was Lexa, though. Lexa and Abby had a great relationship, probably better than Clarke had with her mother, but Clarke should’ve known that Lexa would internalise her feelings and isolate herself, especially given how personal the betrayal was.

Clarke remembered them as newlyweds; Lexa not talking and not asking for help. But she’d let Clarke in. Yes, Lexa was close to Abby and Grunt, but _Clarke_ was her person.

“I appreciate your concern, Mom.” Was all Clarke answered.

“That’s all you have to say for yourself?” Abby scowled.

“That’s all I have to say to you about this particular matter that’s between me and Lexa.”

“We’re your family.”

“You are and I love you.” Clarke acknowledged. “You’re allowed a say on things which affect our family, but unless an opinion is asked of you, you don’t get a say in my marriage.”

Abby huffed, opened and closed her mouth a few times; sputtering incoherent words, before she exhaled and leaned back in her chair.

“I love you too and I’m worried.”

“Yeah, I’m worried too, Mom.”

* * *

Lexa managed to evade her for the rest of the week. Clarke didn’t know if Lexa was still sleeping in the throne room, but decided it was best not to ambush her there again. Especially when Lexa was purposely avoiding everyone. Cornering her would be a very bad idea.

Lexa had given Clarke the silent treatment many times before. Usually it was to gather her thoughts, calm down and to prevent the two of them just angrily shouting at each other. Lexa needed that time to process and contemplate. They'd agreed early on in their marriage to allow each other space when asked, but to always talk shit out later, no matter how upset they were.

But the current silence and avoidance felt decidedly different. Clarke was fairly certain that Lexa wouldn't be talking to her for a while still.

It was unsettling. Clarke had never felt abandoned by Lexa before. They weren't co-dependant. They weren't like Lincoln and Octavia who thrived whilst being permanently joined at the hip. More often than not, they tagged each other in and out when it came to child rearing. They had three kids and demanding jobs, it was just more efficient that way. When there were emergencies at work that couldn't be easily wrapped up, they would sometimes only see each other late at night as they got into bed. One of them would then listen to whatever the other needed them to, or make the other forget about it if they weren’t too exhausted.

And maybe that was it. Before, Clarke had always had the reassurance that Lexa would soon be back and that they would fix things. Now though, Lexa didn't feel _there_ anymore and the emptiness Clarke was left with in her absence was fast being filled with even more dread and anxiety.

Lexa had held her hand though, right? Lexa had picked her up off of the floor and had made sure that she slept more comfortably on the couch… But Lexa was also just a nice person.

Clarke had no doubt that Lexa still loved her. She’d come to learn though, that relationships were built and sustained on a lot more than just love; like communication and trust, for example. Two things Clarke had supremely failed at with her decision to endorse their son behind her wife’s back. Love didn’t conquer all, it merely served as a powerful incentive to work at a relationship.

Clarke desperately hoped that Lexa still wanted to work at it with her.

Feeling like she was hopelessly flailing, Clarke set Aiden up to train with Grunt, and Echo arranged for Bellamy to look after Jake and Wrex.

It was two days before the second round of battles and she and Echo got a bottle of whiskey, some snacks, and sat on the carpet of Clarke’s bedroom floor, in between the coffee table and couch, while Clarke steadily got drunk to try and take the edge off. Her tension was palpable and it had been distracting Aiden who would worriedly ask her whether she was okay and if everything was okay between her and Lexa. Despite her lying to his face with reassurances, he would start apologising and Clarke would feel worse.

 _Ugh._ Clarke just wanted the Conclave to be over with so she could focus on fixing her family. She needed to figure out _how_ she would do that too.

Noticing her despondency, Echo decided to tell Clarke that she’d made a bet with Bellamy that if Aiden won, he would need to shave his beard, so there was no one who wanted Aiden to win the Conclave more than Echo did and would help him every step of the way.

Clarke laughed, but then ended up sobbing and telling Echo about her fears that Ilian would kill Aiden and it would be all her fault.

“We should just kill him, Clarke. No one will know.” Echo seriously suggested.

“I wish,” Clarke sighed. “But Leksa will know, and Aiden will know,” she lamented. “And they’re both all honour and righteous death and blah blah blah about this fucking Conclave.”

“He’s in good form. He can win this.”

“Ever since you told me how worried you were, even from the start of my tournament, your reassurances have lost a lot of their impact.”

Echo chuckled. “I never lied to you. I just didn’t show you my worry. And I’m not lying to you now either. He has it in him to win. Whatever Ilian’s intentions and motivations, they would still meet under fair circumstances. Warrior against warrior.”

Clarke nodded, not feeling any better, and threw back her drink and poured herself another. Echo hadn’t even touched her first glass, opting to snack on the variety of cheeses and cold meats, while Clarke was already on her fifth. She might’ve also had a drink or three before Echo had arrived from dropping the boys.

Earlier that morning, Clarke had gone by the hospital where Lexa had arranged a tour for the clan leaders. They’d received a new range of capital equipment from Arkadia that was making treatment and recovery easier and faster. Lexa wanted to motivate them into staying focused on things like healthcare after she retired and not turn to war over power.

On the schedule, it was supposed to be Clarke leading the tour. That was why she had gone. Only to find that Lexa had already recruited Abby to do the tour in her place. It stung. Okay, she was a little late and Lexa had sent word that she would do that, and maybe they weren’t as effective a team as they used to be, which would’ve made the tour very awkward. But still. It fucking hurt. Clarke missed being at Lexa’s side. She missed Lexa proudly watching her while she spoke about the hospital and adding in information to show that she listened whenever Clarke talked her ear off about work. The hospital was like Clarke’s fourth child, one she had conceived of and nurtured for nearly sixteen years.

Thankfully, Lexa hadn’t seen her lurking, because the Commander had been surrounded by people. People who were scrambling for Lexa’s attention; even more eager to curry favour after Lexa had handed Gaius his own ass chopped up and served on a silver platter. Whether Lexa would remain Heda or not, she would always be a person of influence in the clans considering all she’d achieved in Polis which remained the epicentre of trade and industry in the United Territories.

No one ever hung on Clarke’s words like they did the Heda’s. No matter Clarke’s long list of accomplishments. That was okay, Clarke didn’t need that kind of validation or worship from them, but she hated that no one even flirted with her. Ever. They were either shit-scared of the Commander, or they respected Lexa too much to even make a half-hearted attempt. It would’ve been nice though, to reject a few people. Clarke must’ve had something going for her if Lexa was still interested after all this time. Maybe not anymore, but at least up until three weeks prior.

“That Horse Bitch was all over Leksa this morning.” Clarke angrily muttered, way off the point they’d been on, but Echo easily rolled with it.

“They were standing six feet apart, Clarke.” She patiently reminded. Clarke’s cloudy brain had forgotten that Echo had accompanied her to the hospital, possibly to prevent Clarke from doing something desperate and stupid in front of the delegations. Clarke felt like she was losing her fucking mind.

“Well, her fake-ass face was drooling all over my hot-ass wife.”

“Leksa would never betray you like that.” Echo unconcernedly replied.

Clarke deflated.

“If she leaves me first, it wouldn’t be a betrayal.” She mumbled in dismay.

“She won’t leave you.”

“She's gonna leave me ‘cause I'm gonna get our son killed and Onya won’t ever forgive me and Jake will hate me and they'll ask me to leave.”

“Where will you go?” Echo asked, causing Clarke to sharply gasp, then wince in pain when she unfortunately hiccupped at the same time.

She stared at Echo with watery eyes. “You won't take me in?”

“We don't have enough room, Clarke…” Echo apologised, popping a piece of cheese into her mouth. “But I taught you to hunt, so you should be able to survive in the forest.”

Clarke nodded solemnly. “I'll find a cave for shelter and hunt boar every day and leave them at the Gates for Leksa as a present for the rest of my miserable life.”

“You'll run out of boars within a few weeks.”

“I'll hunt bears too and make her coats for winter. She sometimes forgets to wear her coat when it’s cold. Who’s gonna make sure she’s warm when I’m gone, Ekko? Not that fucking Horse Faced Bitch, for sure. She’ll just be happy if Leksa walked around naked all day long and got frostbite on her nipples.”

Echo poorly stifled a laugh.

Drunk-Clarke was not amused.

“Nothing for the children?” Echo innocently asked.

“They'll be fine.” Clarke waved off the concern, taking another big gulp of her whiskey. Her mouth felt dead. “They'll have Leksa.” She stated assuredly. “She’s good at taking care of them. The best mother in the world. She doesn’t enter them into competitions that will kill them.”

“True.” Echo agreed, shifting closer and Clarke instantly laid her head on Echo’s shoulder, welcoming the comfort and the support for her heavy heart and brain.

“Will you come visit?”

“Of course, Sistris.” Echo promised. “After the baby is old enough, we'll come visit you in your Pauna cave.”

Clarke nodded, pleased that she wouldn’t die alone in the forest, forgotten, but then stopped. She shifted slightly away from Echo to blink into her friend’s grinning face.

“ _Baby_?” Clarke whispered.

“In a few months’ time, yes. I wasn’t sure until a couple of days ago, but the signs are there. Maybe you could do a test-”

Clarke squealed in delight and threw her arms around Echo to carefully pull her down onto the carpet. Clarke was feeling a bit dizzy and sleepy but wanted to hug her, so decided to do it laying down.

Their joyful cuddling was interrupted though, at the sound of the bedroom door opening. They sat up, well, Echo sat up and then pulled a struggling Clarke up with her, so both of them were looking at Lexa standing by the door.

Lexa blankly stared at the two of them for a long moment, while Clarke wondered if she was really there.

With her mouth slightly gaping in awe, Clarke’s droopy gaze followed Lexa to their weapons rack in silent appreciation and to make sure that Lexa’s limp was indeed gone. Maybe Clarke checked out Lexa’s ass too, when Lexa walked back out the door after retrieving a set of daggers, without so much as another glance in her direction.

The door shutting behind the Commander, finally snapped Clarke out of her drunken daze.

“ _Fuck_.” She muttered, wondering what Lexa thought of the scene she’d walked in on: Clarke drunk in the middle of the day and laughing like she didn’t have a care in the world.

“I’ll tell her why we were so happy.” Echo solemnly promised and topped up Clarke’s glass.

* * *

Lexa wore a pair of black, neatly pressed, dress pants on the day of the second-round of battles. They were paired with a silky, bloodred top and a black ankle length coat with metallic military style buttons and a high collar that seemed to accentuate the sharpness of Lexa’s magnificent jawline. Clarke was having the most sinful thoughts of Lexa bending her over various pieces of furniture, before she felt guilty for her fantasies and tried to focus elsewhere; to the draw that was about to take place for the three-person battles.

Chances were good that candidates would ally to take out one person and then fight each other afterward. But since they didn’t know who would be drawn against each other, making alliances too soon would’ve been more of a risk if they made them with the wrong people. Grunt had casually mentioned that Lexa thought it best for Aiden to stay neutral and attempt to read the situation during battle. He would already be a target regardless, and attempting to play games would just make him more of one.

The eyes Clarke had planted at the Pits that week, had reported a mess of tension and insincerity as people attempted to form, but didn’t trust in, any alliances. Just like Lexa had intended with the challenge. It was even more pressure added on to an already taxing Conclave and Lexa hoped that it would bring out people’s true personalities.

All of the candidates were nervous wrecks behind cheery smiles and pleasantries and in order to keep the playing field level, Clarke had orchestrated the spread of a few rumours so that no one really felt they could trust the other.

She’d gone to tell Aiden what Lexa had suggested, only to find him already training at the stables like the outside world didn’t exist. He had carefully picked five members of their large family guard and Clarke stood back as she noticed that they were similar in build and fighting style to the remaining novitiates. He then asked them to fight him two at a time. It was exactly what Lexa would’ve done: Keep focused and prepare for all possible outcomes.

Knowing that Aiden had trained as much as he could that week, Clarke’s most pressing concern was that either Jon, Ilian, or god forbid, both of them, would be drawn in Aiden’s battle. She was taking the Conclave one day at a time and that was her hope for that day, that Aiden wouldn’t need to fight either of those two. Since Lexa was not interfering in the Conclave and rigging the draws like she’d done during Clarke’s tournament, it was all left to chance.

The draw result ended with Aiden fighting against Samson of the Valley Clan and Jon of the Desert Clan and Clarke’s heart jumped into her throat, because Jon had proven himself to be a cold-blooded killer.

Ilian was thankfully not a concern on top of that, but he was on good terms with the candidate from the Plainriders. They’d fought together in the last war and as soon as their match started, they turned on the Boat Clan candidate. He was easily overpowered and then the same clean fight ended in Ilian once again victorious without much bloodshed and Clarke wondered if Aiden wouldn’t have been safer in that match up.

After a too long intermission where Polis’s sekens demonstrated their skill to the crowds, Aiden’s match was finally due to start.

The candidates ducked into a fighting stance and then Samson attempted to get on Jon’s good side by motioning for them to attack Aiden. It should’ve been an obvious choice for them to take out Jon first, since he had a taste for blood. Clarke had hoped that that would happen, but some people tended to align themselves with who they felt was strongest to survive the present rather than think of the future.

Clarke’s eyes went to Semmet who was standing and scowling, and realised that had clearly not been the plan he and his son had agreed on. Samson was an idiot and could get both himself and Aiden killed.

Jon laughed in Samson’s face and then attacked him instead with such a force that everyone just gaped at was happening. It looked as though they were performing a comedy sketch. Laughable, if Clarke wasn’t fraught with fear and worry.

Aiden stood, shocked, as he watched the other two battling. He didn’t choose a side, which Clarke felt was for the best. He shouldn’t trust either one of those two. They seemed evenly matched and were clearly warriors at heart. It was obvious in the way they clashed swords with a dogged intensity and excellent skill. They put their all into the fight and Clarke could see that Aiden was just biding his time and watching them tire each other out.

Clarke smirked slightly when Lexa seemed to shake her head in disbelief.

The crowd seemed to grow distracted at having to watch yet another tedious display, and Jon seemed to sense it, because suddenly he amped up his attack and in a move even Clarke could appreciate as masterfully executed, he deflected Samson’s sword away from his body and instantly stabbed him through his abdomen.

A collective gasp echoed through the stadium. It was reminiscent from the first round where Jon had eviscerated his opponent. This time though, his aim was off and the blade had punctured more to the side.

Samson went down though and Jon roared, taking his sword in both hands and lifting it above his head, despite Samson frantically tapping his hand in concession while the other tried to stop the profuse bleeding from his gut.

Jon was stopped from piercing Samson’s chest by a lance hitting him harshly in the gut.

Clarke grinned and the crowd cheered.

Aiden continued his attack with the advantage of a tired Jon who’d had the wind knocked out of him. He made quick work of disarming Jon and then knocked him on his back and placed his bladed lance tip to Jon’s throat.

The crowd was already celebrating, but Jon didn’t move to concede and Clarke startled when Lexa took her hand and clutched onto it.

Clarke confusedly – and elatedly – looked to Lexa, but then the crowd gasped again and her eyes snapped back to where Jon had grabbed onto the lance and was pushing it away from his neck.

Aiden had to pull it out of his grip again as Jon attempted to get the lance, since he didn’t have his sword anymore.

“No…” Clarke whispered as she realised what Jon was doing, why Lexa was grasping onto her hand for dear life.

The Desert Clan warrior slowly rose up to his feet while Aiden hesitated in striking down an unarmed man.

“ _Kill me, skat_!” Jon roared in challenge.

Aiden shook his head and attacked, hitting Jon with the blunt sides of his lance in an attempt to get him to pass out.

Jon wouldn’t go down though. He was of that old ilk of Grounder warrior. The ones who had erased the word concede from their vocabularies. For them, you either won, or you died in battle.

He seemed like a madman as he kept on getting up when Aiden knocked him down. Continuing to block the blows with his arms, till his armour was dented and blood was running down his fingers.

Jon fell down onto his knees, swaying and bleeding from his head, looking woozy. Aiden stopped his attack, waiting for Jon to go down. They couldn’t stop the match until he passed out or conceded.

Aiden looked to Grunt just for a moment, probably wondering why this couldn’t count as a defeat, and then Jon yelled a battle cry as he leapt from the ground towards the distracted Aiden. Lexa nearly crushed Clarke’s hand and she welcomed the pain as her stomach painfully lurched.

Aiden reacted on instinct.

Jon’s vicious cry was cut short by the tip of a lance piercing his throat, his blood spraying out all over Aiden’s face and chest.

* * *

Everything was a blur after the match. Aiden had gone to sit down in his seat, looking like he was in a trance. Hector and Semmet quickly had their candidates carried off to the side. Clarke could practically feel the tension radiating off of Lexa who had let go of her hand as soon as Jon had gone down.

Grunt quickly wrapped up, listing a few events that would take place throughout the city that week that people could attend.

Instead of using the private exit behind her throne, Lexa blindly moved forward, toward Aiden, who seemed to snap out of his trance when he noticed her and instantly started making his way through the crowds exiting toward the stadium gates.

Lexa froze as she watched him run away from her. She swallowed the hurt when a remorseful Hector appeared in front of her. He was a good friend, so the Commander was more lenient with him than she would be others and reluctantly gave him her attention.

A few of the family guard followed after Aiden without needing command, closely watching as people clapped him on his back and congratulated him on his win. Semmet cornered Aiden too and wrapped him in a bear hug, heedless of all the blood, before leaving again to see to his son.

Clarke watched as both Aiden and Lexa put on a smile for their people as though their insides weren’t being torn apart. And when had Aiden perfected that façade? Admittedly, Clarke had been concerned that he wore his emotions too openly to be Heda just yet. Maybe that was because in his home, he’d never needed to suppress his feelings…

She watched, in amazement and horror, as her boy buried his emotions deep down and casually and gradually made his way through the people, charming them while he graciously accepted their praises. It was like Clarke was looking at a different person entirely.

Clarke’s gaze shifted to where her other children stood with Echo. She locked eyes with her sister and Echo sagely nodded. Clarke let out a relieved breath, and mouthed a ‘thank you’, before she turned to slip out of the dais exit.

* * *

Clarke was surprised when Aiden opened the door and allowed her to hug him tightly. It was a great comfort that her son had never felt the need to wear any masks around her.

She sat down next to him on his bed and waited for him to talk. His face was red and blotchy and Clarke wondered if it was from the battle, but he smelled freshly showered, hair still slightly damp, and Clarke realised he must’ve roughly scrubbed Jon’s blood from his face and body.

“I’ve never thought about it…” He wetly murmured. “Killing someone.” He weakly laughed. “I’ve seen people die. I’ve seen them being killed. I know what the world is like outside of Polis and yet I never thought that I would ever have to… I thought it would be a _choice_ , one I’d never intended on making. How could I have thought that, even when I’d prepared for it for years?” He asked in disbelief as his body shook with quiet sobs.

Clarke wrapped an arm over his broad shoulders as best she could. And why did it feel so recent that she’d been able to carry him on her hip around the house?

“How can I be Heda, if this is how I react when killing someone?”

Clarke took one of his trembling hands in hers, trying to ground him.

“Being Heda is not about killing people, Aiden.”

“I know, Mom. But it is about being strong. And I don’t feel very strong right now.”

“That’s a good thing.” Clarke murmured, brushing her fingers through his hair in that way that always soothed him. “Killing should never be easy. No one should ever get used to it. _Valuing life_ is what makes a good Commander.”

“Do you remember the first person you killed?” Aiden tentatively asked.

Clarke wasn’t taken aback by the question, but she certainly was at the answer her brain supplied. Because Clarke, in fact, couldn’t remember. She remembered landing on the Ground and being responsible for many deaths. People died under her watch and they died when she gave instruction at the Dropship. She remembered Finn and when she’d pulled down the trigger of a gun and that lever in Mount Weather… By the time Clarke had first taken a life with her sword as a warrior, she’d become almost desensitized by the fact that she was a killer already.

“I do.” Clarke whispered. “I remember all the people I’ve killed. I have their deaths branded on my body, just in case I forgot for some reason.” She might not know all of their names, or in some cases their faces, but Clarke knew all the lives that had been lost because of her.

Aiden nodded. “I want to take the brands too.”

Clarke smiled, grateful he wasn’t going to question her more on the lives she’d taken and why she’d taken them. Their children knew a lot of what their mothers had done. It was taught in schools and no doubt their friends had shared versions of those events as well. As a boy, Aiden in particular, would interrogate the rest of the family about the wars and battles they’d fought in with wide and wondrous eyes.

A soft knock on the door interrupted whatever Aiden would say next.

“ _Aiden_?”

It never ceased to amaze Clarke how Lexa's voice could be so quiet and yet carry so strongly. Of course Lexa had followed after them, but wouldn't just barge in. They knocked in their house. That was the rule. Clarke and Lexa obviously had rights to break it under various circumstances, but in general, they knocked and they waited.

“She can’t see me like this, Mom.” Aiden proclaimed in a panic.

“Your nomon -

\- I am a novitiate in the Conclave. She is Heda of the United Territories. But it’s hard for me to not act like her son when I’m with her. And I know that has made it difficult for her to see me as an adult and a warrior and that’s why she feels that I’m too young to do this.” Aiden hurriedly explained. “I want her to guide me, sometimes I hear her voice in my head when I train and when I fight. She has been the best teacher anyone could ask for, and an even better nomon, but I _need_ her to see that I can do this on my own. Because if I can do this without her, then she won’t worry about me, or the clans if I become Heda. She will trust that I can do the job she has trained me for; that I will be able to defend myself against Heda Solou Gonplei. Then she’ll finally be free of this burden. I had decided to do it this way, for her.”

Clarke understood Aiden and what he was saying, because she knew that feeling all too well. That need to prove their worth to Lexa; to show that they could protect themselves, even whilst knowing that Lexa would blindly love and protect them regardless.

She nodded quickly to get him to calm down, because Lexa was probably still waiting outside that door even though she hadn’t knocked again and Clarke was feeling smothered by all the turmoil she knew plagued them both because of this fucking Conclave.

“I'll go talk to her, okay?”

“You can’t tell her that I said that, Mom.” Aiden stopped her, holding onto her hand. “She’ll tell me that I won’t need to do it for her. She’ll feel guilty and won’t see that I’m doing it for the both of us.”

“I won’t tell her. I promise.” Clarke gave his hand a firm squeeze before letting go and heading toward the door.

She opened it to find Lexa leaning against the opposite wall.

Lexa’s eyes instantly flew up, trying to see inside and kept on staring at the door once Clarke had closed it.

“He’s okay, Leks.” Clarke rasped. “He’s going to be okay.” She amended. “He just… He doesn’t want you to worry.”

Lexa’s throat bobbed as she thickly swallowed and wrapped her arms over her stomach like she was trying to hug herself, even as she kept on staring at the door as though she could see through it.

“He knows that you love him.” Clarke kept on talking, clenching her fists at her sides, trying not to go to Lexa and hug her. “But like everyone else in the Conclave, he’s here to prove himself to the Commander...”

Clarke trailed off, not sure whether Lexa was even listening to her anymore as she continued to stare at the door, looking heartbroken and torn, needing to comfort Aiden.

Lexa then looked to Clarke with glistening eyes and shakily nodded before she turned to leave.

Something in Clarke snapped and she rushed forward, taking a hold of Lexa’s arm and spun her back around and into an embrace. Lexa’s face pressed into Clarke’s neck and her arms instantly held Clarke back.

Clarke cried with relief and heartbreak as Lexa, almost desperately, accepted the comfort.

Clarke wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but too soon Lexa gently pushed her away, avoided eye contact and stalked off down the hall and away from Clarke.

Aiden opened his door shortly after and Clarke hurried to wipe away her tears.

“Mom?” He worriedly asked. “Are you okay? Are you crying?”

When his arms enveloped her, it made it so much harder to keep it together.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mom.” He apologised as he held her more securely. “I’ll speak to Nomon. I’ll tell her it’s all my fault. I’ll go talk to her about the Conclave. I’ll withdraw if she needs me to.”

And Clarke could hear that he meant it. Hear the fear in his voice. Feel the frantic hammering of his heart against her ear as he panicked over the fate of their marriage.

Though Lexa was still upset with her, her avoidance was also for Aiden’s sake in the Conclave. Both Lexa and Aiden knew how her support would be misinterpreted by those who were jealous and small.

Yes, Lexa had her reasons for avoiding Aiden, but they were very different from her avoidance of Clarke.

After squeezing him a little longer, Clarke patted Aiden on the back, before she moved out of his arms.

“No. This isn’t about you.”

Aiden looked sceptical and Clarke chuckled sadly.

“This is about Nomon and me, and our relationship and the decisions that she and I make within that relationship and how we choose to deal with them thereafter. _I_ made a choice, not you. I decided to endorse you without talking to her about that and once things have calmed, your Nomon and I will have a chance to discuss that. Until then, I’m going to be sad that things aren’t the way we want them to be.”

Aiden still looked dubious and remorseful.

“She wants to be with us as much as we want her here with us, Aiden. If you’re going to be Heda, you’ll have to learn that sometimes the decisions we make with our heads, will painfully clash with the ones we want in our hearts.”

Aiden soaked up the life lesson and nodded his understanding. After all, he had made the decision to enter the Conclave with his head, despite his heart desperately wanting Lexa at his side.

* * *

Neither Lexa nor Aiden showed up for dinner that night, nor the three nights thereafter. Clarke knew them both well enough to know that it was to prevent their presence from causing even more stress on the other and not out of actual anger. Since their talk, Aiden had re-focused on his training. Just one more battle left. They’d come too far to slack off now and give in to the immense emotional strain they were under.

Clarke spent more time in her studio in the evenings, wondering how the fuck she’d managed to turn her perfect life into the mess it was. She would paint a lot, preferring the colours and thick brushstrokes over sketching, but that night, nothing came.

It was the eve of their twentieth wedding anniversary and Clarke had locked herself away, unable to pretend that she wasn’t swimming in a pool of sorrow and longing.

She’d been sitting and blearily staring at a blank canvas since after yet another tense dinner, crying her eyes out.

Deciding to go tuck Jake in, she went to the basin in the corner of the room to splash her face with cold water.

When Clarke went and opened the door though, it was to Lexa standing in the hallway, like she’d been there for a while already.

They stared at each other for a long moment, Clarke afraid to breathe lest it scared Lexa off, feeling both comfort and more pain as she saw all the same emotions she felt reflected in Lexa’s pretty green eyes.

She wasn’t sure which one of them moved first, but suddenly their bodies collided on the threshold and Lexa’s delicious mouth was urgently covering hers.

Clarke moaned obscenely loudly. She considered that she might be dreaming. She didn’t care. She took the immediate comfort of having Lexa so close and decided to just go with it, afraid that any more contemplation on the matter would have her waking up.

Lexa pushed her back into the room, kicked the door closed behind them and pressed Clarke up against it. Her body followed immediately after to urgently grind her hips into Clarke’s.

They didn’t speak as they hungrily kissed and groped at each other. All grunts and harsh breaths. Lexa was rough in that way that Clarke loved and needed on occasion. Like she needed it that night.

Quick, dirty, and desperate, had become a treat they’d perfected when the kids were all younger and required more attention and supervision and they didn’t have the time or energy for more. It was something they indulged in when they travelled to the clans on official business and hid away from the ego-maniacs in little corners and secluded alcoves. It sometimes happened when their schedules became too busy and they barely saw each other and Lexa would bend Clarke over her desk at the hospital, or take her on the Antler Throne. It was always the Commander who emerged when they were with each other like that, and just the weight of Lexa against her, had a rush of intense arousal flood Clarke’s body.

As if sensing it, Lexa took hold of Clarke’s wrists and pinned them against the door above Clarke’s head.

“ _Fuck…”_ Clarke let out a shuddering groan and instantly surrendered, giving Lexa some control in the chaos their life had devolved into.

Using the long fingers of one hand, Lexa kept Clarke pinned while her other hand was pushed into Clarke’s pants. Clarke whimpered when Lexa’s teeth scraped over a clothed nipple as she rubbed Clarke into a delirious state of want.

Clarke had lost all control over her bucking hips. She was hot and sweaty and she needed… She needed - Clarke began to struggle against her restraints.

“Leks, _Baby_ , please let me touch you…” Clarke mindlessly begged and whined when Lexa’s grip on her wrists tightened just as her fingers slipped inside of Clarke.

Clarke’s head lolled back against the door and she wasn’t sure anymore whether she wanted to be freed or not, as Lexa’s fingers drove into her. She could do nothing but rock her hips to the rhythm of Lexa’s dogged thrusts.

Lexa did let go of her though, and wrapped that arm around Clarke’s waist, pulling her close before she kissed Clarke again with a hunger that left Clarke furiously gripping onto Lexa, hands scrambling to feel more, tugging at Lexa’s clothes in search of skin, without the mental capacity to make any actual progress in undressing her.

Clarke gave up and just focused on kissing Lexa back, sucking on her tongue, and threading her fingers through Lexa’s hair to keep her in place, while she tried her best not to cry in relief and pleasure.

A knock at the door vibrated into Clarke’s body and both of them would’ve kept on going was it not for the tentative ‘ _Mama?_ ’ from Jake’s lips that followed soon after.

They both stilled. Lexa with her teeth sunk into Clarke’s chin, before she slowly grazed them over Clarke’s flesh and rested her forehead against Clarke’s shoulder with a resigned sigh.

Breathless, they remained frozen for a few seconds, Lexa’s fingers still buried deep inside of Clarke, their son on the other side of the door, who only called Clarke ‘Mama’ when he was upset or feeling unwell.

Clarke licked her lips and cleared her throat and involuntarily clenched around Lexa’s fingers who buried her face into Clarke’s neck, biting down into her skin and failed to smother a soft whimper.

In response, Clarke gasped and bit hard on her bottom lip to stifle a moan and felt herself growing impossibly wetter. Lexa trembled against her, able to feel it all around her fingers.

Clarke inhaled, still clinging onto Lexa and tried to direct her attention back to the outside world.

“Yes, Sweetheart?” Clarke gruffly replied.

Lexa, mercifully, remained unmoving. If she were to remove her fingers, move them at all really, Clarke wouldn’t be able to control the sound that would leave her and would probably scar Jake for the rest of his life.

 _“My stomach hurts.”_ Jake miserably answered. _“I think I’m going to die.”_

Clarke’s body slumped. Her lust addled brain finally clearing somewhat. Jake was such a little drama queen though, and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his wording. Lexa’s body gently shook in a silent chuckle of agreement.

“I’ll be there in a moment, okay?” Clarke called back. “Why don’t you go get back into bed and wait for me?”

 _“Okay.”_ Jake mumbled and Clarke could practically see him sighing deeply as he dragged his feet back to his room, probably bent over at the waist, cradling his stomach like he’d been physically wounded as he put on his act even without anyone there to see it.

Jake always committed one hundred per cent to a performance.

They waited for a few moments, then Lexa moved first. She slowly pulled her long fingers out of Clarke who moaned at the feeling and throbbed at the loss. Lexa didn’t move away though, maybe because Clarke was still tightly holding onto her.

“He ate too much?” Lexa whispered into Clarke’s neck, hugging her tenderly.

Jake liked to eat, but he binged when he was anxious. It had taken them a while to discover it, because once they started monitoring his food intake, he would sneak snacks up to his room and eat all of the evidence, leaving nothing to be discovered and questioned.

Last time he’d eaten himself sick, was when Wrex had broken his arm while they were playing at school.

“Not at dinner, he must’ve snuck something from the kitchen afterward.” Clarke shamefacedly replied. She should’ve been keeping an eye on him. Dinners were tense these days and instead of making sure that Jake was okay - taking his easy smiles at face value - Clarke had decided to go brood in her studio and wallow in self-pity.

“I should’ve been there.” Lexa’s body tensed and Clarke shifted so she could hold her better.

“It’s not your fault. I should’ve been watching him and he wouldn’t be so anxious if Aiden wasn’t in the Conclave.”

Lexa shifted to hold Clarke more closely and Clarke felt like crying again. Even more so when Lexa eventually pulled away.

With her back fused to door, Clarke watched as Lexa went to wash her hands.

When Lexa finished and turned around, Clarke was surprised to note how shy she seemed for no reason Clarke could fathom.

“I’m going to spend some time with Jake.” Lexa softly stated. “Show him that I’m still here... Maybe you could fetch your medical bag and meet me in his room?”

Clarke nodded instantly and nervously licked her lips when Lexa walked closer, probably trying to leave, but Clarke couldn’t seem to move away to let her.

Lexa stopped in front of her, looking between Clarke and the door handle. Then Lexa smiled and Clarke shook. Speechless and overwhelmed.

Lexa stepped closer, eyes locked on her hers, their faces an inch apart as Lexa rested their foreheads together.

“I missed your face…” Lexa murmured, almost against Clarke’s lips before she tenderly kissed Clarke’s willing mouth.

Clarke sunk into the strong arms that wrapped around her and barely felt herself being lifted, spun around, and placed back down, away from the door.

Lexa kept on kissing her for a while, stroking comforting touches across Clarke’s back and her waist, before she pulled away with a final peck to Clarke’s lips and smiled that smile again.

“I’ll wait for you?” Lexa asked and Clarke knew it was to reassure Clarke that she wasn’t going to run again.

Clarke mindlessly nodded and watched Lexa exit her studio.

* * *

Both of them ended up in bed with Jake, on either side of him. He rested against Lexa though, who had a protective arm slung around him, the other steadying the large book in Jake’s lap.

Clarke shamelessly rested her head against Lexa’s upper arm while she soothingly rubbed Jake’s belly. The tonic would start to work soon and Jake was already distracted enough by Lexa to not feel his cramps too intensely.

Usually, they would’ve disciplined him about sneaking food up, and discussed why he had done so, but that night, they were all guilty and instead decided to give him the reassurance he was craving.

They were reading the Iliad of Homer, a gift Jake had received from Bellamy, who used to read the book to Octavia. Clarke wasn’t sure that it was entirely age-appropriate, but Jake was growing up differently to Anya and Aiden. More sheltered. And they’d decided to have discussions with him about their world, through topics that might come up in fiction.

Besides, Jake was an avid reader and trying to keep books away from him that he was too young for, was only one of the many headaches he gave them. Clarke loved that about him though. And so did Lexa.

“ _Let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some great thing that shall be told among men hereafter_.” Lexa’s dulcet tone washed over Clarke and she couldn’t remember when last she’d felt so content.

“Is that why Aiden wants to become Heda?” Their smart boy asked, his reading comprehension was far more advanced than anyone at his school. “For glory?”

“That is the path that some choose for themselves...” Lexa murmured back. “I believe that Aiden wants to be Heda to help our people, not caring much who will speak of his actions thereafter. It’s what makes your brother a great man.”

Jake absently nodded and both Clarke and Lexa could feel him tensing in their arms. “Is Aiden going to die?”

Clarke cringed at the sharp pain in her chest at the question.

“Why do you ask that?” Lexa tremulously wondered and Clarke pressed a kiss to her arm while she continued to rub Jake’s stomach in an attempt to calm them all.

“Two people have died in the Conclave. What if Aiden dies too?”

It was a reasonable question even as it was unreasonable to expect an answer. They’d spoken about death when Jake’s puppy had died the year before. It was a terribly sad time and Clarke had told him that when people died, they lived on in the memories of those who loved them. Clarke had spoken about her father, his namesake, too and how it was okay to be sad. She had hoped that at the very least, Jake had learned that death was something real that happened. An unavoidable part of life. Aiden had been exposed to it as part of Lexa’s guard, and Anya had experienced it with her birth parents and working at the hospital.

“Who’s the best warrior you know?” Lexa asked Jake.

“You are, Nomon.” He answered confidently.

“And who taught Aiden everything he knows?”

“You did, Nomon.” Jake grinned and Clarke felt him relaxing already.

Lexa nodded as though that answered his question and continued reading to distract him. Truth was, they didn’t know what the final battle would bring and Lexa was very careful not to give Jake a yes or no answer, or what they would do if Aiden were to die in the Conclave.

* * *

Lexa had taken Clarke’s hand when they left Jake’s room. Clarke hadn’t been sure whether it was for Jake’s benefit or not, until they closed his door and Lexa didn’t let go.

Lexa instead moved closer and softly kissed her. So lovingly, that Clarke felt like she was melting as she leaned back against the wall, sinking into Lexa’s arms and just enjoyed the intimacy and the comfort that was so freely being offered.

_“Your room is literally right there.”_

Dazedly, Clarke’s head turned with Lexa’s to see Anya lightly smirking at them. Her eyes betrayed her casual tone as they seemed to gleam with joy at her mothers making out in the hallway.

“So is yours,” Clarke replied, matching her smirk and tone.

Anya’s smile dropped slightly and she looked to Jake's door. "He's alright?"

“We think so.” Lexa murmured.

“Is he sleeping?”

“Not yet.” Clarke answered.

“I’m going to sit with him for a while.” Anya murmured, clearly having picked up on Jake’s mood.

As though reading Clarke’s mind, Lexa reached out and pulled Anya closer where Clarke instantly circled her arms around them both, sighing contently when she felt their arms holding her back.

Anya chuckled and allowed them the emotional outburst for a while.

“Reshop, nomons,” she murmured with a grin.

“Reshop, Yujon.” They chorused back, as Anya pulled away to escape them through Jake’s door.

They smiled at the door for a moment too long even after it shut and then at each other.

“We have the best children ever.” Clarke proclaimed as she peeled herself off of the wall and started walking to their room, trying to calm her heart when Lexa fell in step next to her.

Lexa hummed her agreement. “Save when they take after you.”

Clarke balked, delighted at the banter. She went to lightly punch Lexa’s shoulder, but her hand was easily caught and then suddenly fingers were threading her own.

Clarke was spared overthinking it when Lexa kissed her again and then tugged her down the hall toward their bedroom.

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

Clarke was woken by a tickling feeling on her face.

She immediately recognised the soft brush of familiar lips, but the other sensation… Clarke’s brows furrowed and she slowly fluttered her eyes open. The room was dim with candlelight and Clarke knew it had to be morning, even though it was clearly still dark outside.

She abruptly paused her scrutiny when she was met with Lexa’s stunning face hovering above her. Clarke stopped breathing to capture the moment and commit everything to memory.

They had electricity, but Lexa still preferred candlelight. Clarke loved the way it made Lexa’s skin glow and her pupils grow impossibly wide and alluring.

Lexa lifted The Flower up between them and Clarke remembered and beamed, before she reeled herself in and bashfully accepted it.

Ever since their second anniversary, Lexa had taken to offering Clarke The Flower as though she was renewing a commitment and re-establishing their vows each year. Though Clarke had appreciated it every single time, that year, with the Conclave and all that had happened because of it, the gesture felt so much more significant.

“Good morning.” Clarke whispered, eyes taking in the fact that Lexa was fully dressed and a blinding panic rose unbidden.

Clarke fought the urge to clutch onto her, so that she wouldn’t leave again.

“Morning, Steltrona.” Lexa murmured back and gently kissed Clarke’s lips.

Clarke’s eyes fell shut but her heart was hammering loudly in her ears. She honestly had no idea what was going on. Well, she knew, but everything couldn’t possibly just be alright, right? Did Lexa forgive her? Or has Lexa decided that they would just have one day of no worries and go back to avoiding her the next morning?

Clarke’s heart wouldn’t survive that.

“What’s happening?” She confusedly voiced her thoughts.

Lexa smiled, and god, Clarke had _really_ missed her face.

“I thought we could go somewhere today. Where we can be alone…” Lexa offered with a lopsided grin and Clarke wondered why she was even questioning this miracle.

She wordlessly nodded and Lexa’s grin grew, before she lithely jumped up from the bed. Clarke still carefully held The Flower in her hand as she sat up and watched Lexa who already had supplies gathered on the couch and coffee table.

Clarke slowly got out of bed, still unable to process.

“Are you sure it’s safe for us to leave?” Clarke tentatively asked. Not wanting to mention Aiden or the Conclave for fear of breaking whatever truce they’d settled on, but needing to know. She’d been irresponsible enough.

Lexa stopped wrapping up food packages and shoving them into her saddlebags and looked at Clarke.

“It’s still early, and I hadn’t been sure last night whether,” Lexa stopped and rephrased. “The kids will be safe here at the house. We won’t be taking any of the family guard and will remain within radio range. Grunt will keep an eye on Aiden and I was going to ask Onya to spend the day with Jake… I had hoped – before – that we could spend a few more days away, but given circumstances, I’m sure we can manage to be back by sunset…”

Clarke guiltily bit her lip and nodded, wondering what Lexa’s original plan had been; what else she’d messed up.

“Okay.” Clarke murmured and tacked on a smile as to not ruin even this for her.

Lexa studied Clarke for a moment and then walked closer.

Clarke felt the urge to run.

“I’m going to inform Grunt and Onya of our plans… Maybe you could get dressed while I’m gone?” Lexa hesitantly asked, almost awkwardly, like she thought that for some insane reason Clarke’s answer would be anything other than a resounding yes.

“Leks,” Clarke started, they needed to talk, they were in this mess because they hadn’t talked to each other. “Not that I'm not happy and won’t follow you wherever you want to go... And I’m very appreciative of the romance and the sex…” God, the sex that night had been phenomenal. “But I don’t think that it's very healthy for us to pretend that nothing happened...”

Clarke fiddled with The Flower, staring at the white petals, feeling more than seeing Lexa stepping closer.

“I thought we could speak later. Away from,” Lexa motioned her hand around the room. “Everything,” she continued. “Just the two of us.”

Clarke nodded. “Okay.” She tensely laughed and abruptly stopped at the cringeworthy sound. “Yeah. We’ll talk later…” She nervously gulped, growing even more anxious as Lexa continued to stand there looking at her.

Logically, Clarke knew that Lexa wouldn’t spend the night making love to her and then take her somewhere else to ask for a divorce. She knew that Lexa wasn’t petty like that. And yet, Clarke dreaded whatever talk it was they would be having ‘later’.

“I was going to apologize.” Lexa suddenly said and Clarke’s brows slammed together and she started doubting her own sanity and whether Lexa was actually there in the room with her, because what did Lexa have to apologise for?

“For not coming to talk to you.” Lexa confidently spoke as though she’d been thinking about it for a while. “For staying away. Pushing our children away and our family. For not discussing with you why I forbade Aiden's entry in this Conclave and simply expecting obedience. For thinking I had a right to forbid him in the first place. I made mistakes too, Clarke, and you had apologised for yours. Will you accept mine?”

“Wha-?” Clarke was stunned, she’d been preparing to grovel and beg. “Yes.” She settled on. Apparently, they were going to talk right now.

Clarke didn’t think that Lexa had taken to heart what she had to say after the Ilian incident, but she clearly had. Of course she had…

“I noticed that Aiden was distracted after you announced the Conclave.” Clarke carefully started to explain. “We discussed his intentions and he asked me not to tell you and yes, we knew you wanted him to wait until he was older, but he asked me for time, to give him the opportunity to prove to you that he was ready and I agreed to that, because I thought he would change his mind and part of me wanted to see whether he was ready too.”

Lexa was still looking at her, not the Commander, so Clarke felt comfortable to continue.

“My intention was always to tell you, but I waited too long and I knew you would be mad at me, and I had selfishly used you as a back-up plan to say no to him, because I didn’t have the heart to, and I’m sorry for that too.”

Lexa chuckled at that and Clarke really wasn’t sure what to make of Lexa’s behaviour that morning.

“Then you said no… And I had prepared myself to back you on that, but you shut me out, which I understand, but that only gave me time to myself to think and make the wrong decisions. And you know that I’ll always choose you, Leks. I always have and I always will, but shouldn’t our children come first? Shouldn’t I fight for him, like I would fight for you?”

Lexa nodded and Clarke barely registered it as she continued to let the words out. “So I spent more time with him and realised how much he genuinely wanted to do this and admittedly, I allowed old insecurities about myself and Mom to influence me, but even though I was wrong in going against you like that, I felt that the right thing to do in that moment was to support him in his dreams and isn’t that my job as his mother?”

Lexa nodded again and Clarke wanted to slap her, because she’d been beating herself up over this, having sleepless nights and anxiety attacks and sat weeping in her studio a few times and Lexa was just suddenly okay with what happened?

“I never meant to undermine and disrespect you.” Clarke tried to remind Lexa of what she’d done, but Lexa remained maddeningly neutral. “In my mind, it didn’t feel like I was choosing him over you. And yeah, that’s exactly what I did, I know, but my only thought was that he asked me to believe in him and I couldn’t not do that. And yes, you disappeared on us, but I knew I could find you and I stopped myself from doing that, because I was certain that you would talk me out of it.” Clarke dryly chuckled. “Living through this horrible Conclave is just proof that I should’ve just spoken to you, but I was worried too, of losing him if he didn’t get this chance... I was worried how it would impact our family if we denied him the one thing he’s been passionate about all of his life. He’s so stubborn,”

“Just like you.” They said at the same time.

Lexa laughed and Clarke smiled. “But he’s also so very brave and honourable and good… Just like you.” She softly told Lexa. “And I want to give our children everything. I especially want to support them in the things they’ve worked so hard to achieve.”

“I do too.” Lexa lovingly murmured. She loved their children. Clarke had thought she’d gotten lucky in the wife department, she had no idea how great a mother Lexa would be too.

“I heard you two talking, after the second round of battles. In Aiden’s room.” Lexa confessed.

“You did?”

Lexa hummed. “I think we’ll need to spend more time together in the forest as a family.”

Clarke bewilderedly stared at her, because what? Was Lexa high? Did Abby give Lexa drugs from the hospital to push them toward reconciliation?

“Our son has clearly been influenced by your Skaikru space-upbringing and I will need to show you both what wood is and how it comes from trees that grow from the ground and doesn’t have the chemical properties to stop soundwaves from going through it.”

Clarke grinned widely and just barely managed to resist the urge to kiss Lexa’s pretty face off.

Lexa grinned back, but then sobered into a soft smile.

“He was right. I would’ve been even more against him entering had I known that he wished to do it to prove himself to me so that I wouldn’t worry. Especially since he needn’t prove anything.”

“I know that, Leks.” Clarke answered, grateful that Lexa easily accepted that fact. “Maybe he’s trying to prove something to himself too.”

Aiden seemed to have inherited from Lexa that annoying quality of doing things with a complex set of well-thought out reasons and motivations. And here Clarke had thought he was all her. He definitely was, but with a lot of Lexa’s awesomeness added in too.

“He and I also know that by saying ‘no’ to Aiden, you were only trying to do what was best for him.”

“And so were you.” Lexa smiled and Clarke felt like laughing and crying because they’d both wanted the same thing for Aiden and still got it so completely messed up.

“I was very hurt by how you went about doing that.” Lexa admitted, her face flooding with a storm of emotions and Clarke tensely thought that this was it, they were finally going to hash it out. “And then I was angry. Angry and hurt and disappointed, and that’s never good, so I stayed away because I wasn’t sure what I would say to you if we were to talk then.”

Clarke ruefully lowered her gaze but looked back up at Lexa’s next words.

“But I’ve had time to process and to listen and to try and understand, and I do forgive you, Clarke. I’m no longer angry.” Lexa inhaled shakily. “And I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Her eyes glistened and Clarke’s heart splintered apart. “And when I take those feelings away, all I feel is scared...” She bit her lip like she was trying to stop it from trembling. “I'm so scared, Clarke, and I need you. I need you with me and our family needs us together. Aiden needs us, and I need us to be a team again. I won’t be able to get through this without you.”

Clarke let out a sob and flew into Lexa’s arms, hugging her close.

“Oh, thank god.” Clarke cried into her neck. “I was falling apart without you.”

“Don't let me be that stupid for that long ever again.” Lexa rasped into Clark's hair.

Clarke let out a choked laugh and hugged her tighter.

“I won’t go behind your back ever again. I don’t even care what the stakes are. I’ll make you talk to me and I’ll listen to you instead of ever doing something like that again.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” Lexa husked.

“I’m sorry I hurt you too. And you were trying to deal with it on your own because I made you feel that you couldn’t trust me. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“No, I will never mean that.” Lexa sombrely answered. “You're not very pretty when you cry, so I try very hard to avoid it.”

Clarke threw her head back and laughed, before she kissed Lexa’s gorgeously grinning face.

* * *

Clarke watched Lexa finish saddling and packing her stallion in the stables. It was strange. She still couldn’t seem to let go of the feeling of dread that had plagued her for weeks, even as her heart felt light with happiness that they’d finally made up. And it wasn’t just anxiety over Aiden’s participation in the Conclave.

After securing Clarke’s bag, Lexa licked her lips and dark eyes settled on Clarke.

“You packed an extra set of clothes…” She rasped and Clarke fought back a smirk. She was wearing her gauntlets and dressed in the same light armour Lexa was wearing, their respective sets of dual blades already fastened to the saddlebags.

“I did yes, for if you’re feeling like it later.”

Lexa stilled for a moment, her eyes clouding over. Clarke patiently allowed Lexa her thoughts and innocently smiled when Lexa eventually shook herself out of it.

Lexa gave her a stiff nod and mounted the horse. Clarke nimbly climbed up behind her. Her hands brushed across Lexa’s firm abdomen and she pressed her face into Lexa’s hair. Breathing her in as Lexa walked them out of the stables and toward the back of Polis.

The entrance that used to be secret had been fitted with a metal door that remained bolted up and guarded.

The guards on duty bowed to Lexa and greeted Clarke, before they swiftly opened the gate to let them through.

The sun was only then starting to rise and Clarke already felt like it was the best morning she’s had in a long time.

As they passed the foliage and the sun gradually lit the forest, Clarke recognized the path they were on and knew where Lexa was taking her. She smiled and kissed the back of Lexa’s head and gave her a tight squeeze of appreciation.

* * *

They’d been to the cave a few times over the years. Usually they stayed a couple of nights and hunted together. But that day, they only cleaned up the entrance at the cave mouth and unpacked their things.

Lexa unfurled a bedroll and blanket so that they would have a soft place to sit, while Clarke secured her swords on her lower back and climbed down the cliff’s edge to wait for Lexa on the ground.

The Commander followed shortly after with her katanas strapped to her back and stopped a few yards away.

“Stretch first.” Clarke ordered and bent down to touch her fingertips to her toes.

Lexa rolled her eyes, but obediently followed suit. Clarke was very aware of the green eyes glued to her body and tried her utmost to be both sexy and thorough in her stretching.

When she was done, Clarke drew her blades and crouched into a defensive position.

Lexa stopped mid pyramid pose and straightened. She then slowly slid her katanas from their sheathes while flashing Clarke a devilish smirk.

Clarke twitched between her thighs.

She knew that she would need to make the first move, so Clarke twirled her swords and rushed forward. Her stomach excitedly flipped when their blades clashed, the sound having turned into an aphrodisiac over the years.

They sparred frequently. Usually at the back of the stables. Always alone. It had been a long time since Clarke had fought anyone other than Lexa and she’d never felt more competent as a warrior because of it.

It had been the best feeling when Lexa had stopped giving Clarke instruction, and it had become Clarke’s mission in life to try and beat Lexa someday. Lexa didn’t go easy on her anymore and that just added to the exhilaration.

Clarke bent backward, away from a lightning fast swing and felt her shoulder guard slip off, realising that Lexa had taken her first piece of armour. They paused for a moment, Clarke panting in excitement and both stepped away from the armour to crouch in defensive positions.

Clarke attacked again with a wild grin.

She’d discovered Lexa’s little fetish one crazy afternoon on a secluded beach in the Boat Clan. It was a combination of too much sun, alcohol, and happiness, that had led Lexa to dice the clothes from Clarke’s body with the Heda’s knife. Clarke wasn’t sure which one of them liked it more, but they’d incorporated it into their sparring sessions after much persuading from Clarke.

Sometimes Clarke felt as though Lexa knew what she would do before Clarke had even decided to make her move. Lexa was a great warrior because of how intuitive she was during battle, but it was especially true when she fought Clarke, who had trained for years and whose style she knew by heart.

Save for a few scratches Clarke had convinced Lexa to overlook with great difficulty, she’d never been seriously injured. The intention had never been to inflict critical damage, so the sparring was as safe as can be, given the calibre of their weapons. Clarke also trusted Lexa with her life and had never felt threatened into having the Little Pauna rise and do something unpredictable that would most likely get herself really hurt rather than give her an advantage.

But there still remained an enticing element of danger that heightened all of Clarke’s senses in an almost intoxicating way.

Lexa deftly removed all of Clarke’s armour, stripping her down piece by piece, until she was only wearing her gauntlets, a shirt and pants. Clarke felt the way Lexa changed the pace of the battle and their positions with subtle movements of her own body. It felt like when they danced together and Lexa led them around the floor and ignited an instinctive urge for Clarke to follow.

With swift and purposeful strikes of one or both katanas, Lexa directed Clarke toward the cliff wall, gradually increasing the force of her attack until Clarke could do nothing but retreat until she was cornered against the rockface.

Clarke was spent. Drunk on adrenalin and unbelievably horny. She was barely able to hold her swords and was easily disarmed. Maybe Clarke helped a little with that. Any other time, Lexa would’ve scolded her for giving up so easily, but Lexa seemed unable to stay apart as much as Clarke did and dropped her katanas, drew her knife and had it at Clarke’s throat an instant later.

Clarke stood pressed up against the rock, breathing hard and rubbed her thighs together. She whimpered pathetically when Lexa roughly kissed her while the sharp blade kept Clarke in place.

Usually Lexa would tease Clarke until she was ready to explode. But that day, Lexa only trailed the tip of her knife down Clarke’s throat and cut her shirt down the middle, baring Clarke’s torso. Lexa then dipped the knife’s tip in between Clarke’s skin and the hem of her pants, just above her groin. The cool metal burned against Clarke’s heated skin and she bucked forward on instinct, despite knowing better.

“Nou step au, Little Pauna.” Lexa growled at Clarke not to move, causing Clarke to shudder as she watched Lexa lower down onto her knees.

Clarke’s breaths deepened and she couldn’t tear her hooded gaze away from Lexa; her nerve-endings sparking electric with excitement. And with seemingly just a flick of her wrist, Lexa cut the front of Clarke’s pants open with a garish tearing sound, exposing her groin to the soothing breeze of the Trikru forest.

Lexa gripped Clarke’s still clothed thighs, opening her up wider, and Clarke gasped and pressed her hips forward right into Lexa’s warm and waiting mouth.

Clarke moaned loudly and freely and wove her fingers into Lexa’s hair. Her hips eagerly rolled forward, her head lolling back against the rock and her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

Maybe she’d never beaten Lexa in battle, but Clarke always won in the end.

* * *

They sat on the bedroll, Clarke dressed in her alternate outfit for the day. The other lay in tatters. Beneath the fabric, she was covered in numerous bruises and scratches. Lexa was too. It was just what Clarke had needed and she hoped from the happy grin that hasn’t left Lexa’s face, that she’d paid her back in kind.

She placed a piece of fruit she’d taken from one of the various dishes spread out around them in her mouth. Clarke wasn’t even sure what it was she was eating, because she was distracted by Lexa and how it felt like they weren’t quite done making up. Clarke was still uncomfortably aroused even whilst being blissfully sated. Lexa’s full lips were glistening with fruit juice and Clarke committed herself to refuel and hydrate so that they could hopefully get back to reconnecting some more, soon.

In an attempt to stop herself from jumping Lexa, Clarke focused on what they were celebrating that day. They’d agreed a long time ago not to exchange gifts on their anniversaries. Instead, they would give each other time together. No work. No kids. Just the two of them. They liked to travel, not always on the day. Sometimes before, sometimes after, but they made sure to go on a trip alone every single year.

Clarke though, wasn’t as effortlessly romantic as Lexa was. She needed to work at it. Contemplate it. Second-guess herself five million times, even while she knew that Lexa would appreciate anything Clarke did for her. But Clarke had wanted to put in an effort that year and give Lexa something special. So she leaned over to the small bag she’d packed with her clothes, and pulled out a little box, wrapped in brown paper and a green linen ribbon tied around it.

Lexa looked delightfully surprised as she accepted the gift with a stunning smile.

“Mochof, Clarke.” She whispered, before she’d even seen what was inside.

Clarke watched and waited while Lexa neatly opened the packaging, used to the compulsive precision, and held her breath when Lexa removed the rectangular device, about the size of her palm.

Lexa’s head tilted as she picked up the accompanying set of earphones too and then questioningly looked to Clarke.

“It’s a tiny tablet computer?” Lexa wondered.

Clarke grinned. Lexa was extremely advanced technologically, probably more so than Clarke given her close working relationship with Raven, but even Lexa couldn’t know what she didn’t know.

“Sort of.” Clarke murmured, reaching over and taking the device. “It only plays music. Just like your tablet, but smaller.” She explained as she switched it on.

“Just over a year ago I told Raven what I wanted and asked her to make it. They’re so busy at Arkadia, I needed to give them some time to gather the materials and put it all together. It took so long because here at the back,” Clarke turned the device to show that it was a darker, glassy material. “It can be charged via solar energy.”

Lexa’s eyes widened excitedly as she took the device back to have a closer look.

“It probably won’t be mass manufactured any time soon, so this is only a prototype.” Clarke continued to explain while she fondly watched Lexa examine the device and then scrolling through the multitude of songs. “Ironically, the ear buds took the longest to make as they had to specially synthesize the rubbers to efficiently protect your ears.” Clarke connected the earphones to the device while Lexa still possessively held onto it. “They made it compact, so you can carry it around with you wherever you’re travelling, even if there’s no electricity to charge it. I've had it preloaded with songs I know you’ll like and compiled a few playlists of your favourites.” She leaned forward and gently inserted the plugs into Lexa’s ears.

Clarke paused as her eyes met Lexa’s striking green gaze, staring at Clarke in that way Clarke had thought Lexa would never look at her again.

Clarke blushed and looked down to scroll across the touchscreen while Lexa still held onto the device.

“I thought you might like this song in particular...” Clarke made sure the volume wasn’t too loud, before she pressed play and Lexa's eyes sparkled with glee.

Clarke could faintly hear the sound of a guitar strumming and a woman singing and gave Lexa time to acclimatize, knowing Lexa could still hear her over the music.

"It's called Songbird.” Clarke sheepishly informed. “It was the cheesiest song I could find that I actually also liked. And I know how much you love guitar acoustics..."

Lexa didn’t take her piercing gaze off of Clarke the entire time and Clarke had to fight the urge to look away, feeling the way her face flushed under Lexa’s stare. Then Lexa moved forward and tenderly kissed her, in that languid and appreciative ‘I-just-want-my-mouth-to-be-on-your-mouth-right-now’ kind of way that was definitely in Clarke’s top ten list of amazingly wonderful things Lexa could do with her lips.

Lexa pulled away and removed one ear piece. "Thank you, Clarke." She said in that genuine heartfelt tone that made Clarke feel warm all over and like she’d just won something rare and special. "Do you want to listen too?" Lexa asked, already offering her a bud.

Clarke nodded eagerly, not caring as much about the music as she wanted to be closer. Almost breathing in each other’s air, they rested their heads closely together while they listened.

They were quiet until the song finished and another slow love song started playing.

"I keep on thinking of all the things I haven't been able to do, and how they might never get done after I retire." Lexa softly murmured as they remained sitting close together.

Clarke barely heard the music as she basked in the intimacy.

"I keep on thinking of all the things you _have_ done, and then I have to stop so I can live my life because the list is _that_ long." Clarke retorted.

Lexa’s mouth tilted with a charmed smile, but Clarke knew that Lexa focused forward and hated leaving things undone.

“Just make a list, Leks. Give it to the clan leaders, have them bully the new Heda into doing them." Clarke was careful not to mention Aiden or Ilian. Content to remain in their bubble of bliss for as long as possible. "You probably have a list already, so what are some of the things you absolutely need them to finish?" She asked to make sure Lexa remained distracted from the upcoming battle.

Lexa, predictably, didn’t have to think about it long.

"The clans have grown exponentially in population size over the last two decades. We're finding it difficult to differentiate between everyone. Too many bear the same names while hailing from the same clan.”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, keeping patient records is a nightmare. If we didn’t religiously document family members in patient records, it would be impossible to keep track of who’s who.”

She’d complained to Lexa about that numerous times before.

"I've been thinking that people will need to start taking family names. Since at this very moment, there are thirty-four girls and seven boys named Leksa in Polis alone."

Clarke laughed at that. Their children had amusedly mentioned having heard of a few of those Lexas.

"Surnames would be a great idea." Clarke agreed with a smile, getting lost in the soft way Lexa looked at her, eyes shining with affection Clarke had missed so fucking much.

“We would need to organise so many people to document the population, though. People who can read and write to perform a census. It’s not a difficult task, but it would be time-consuming and we would need somewhere to keep the records that is safe. Not everyone has access to computers yet, and who do we entrust with that responsibility? Could such information be used for fraudulent purposes? Do we need to collaborate with healers who document births and deaths? Should they be responsible for keeping the records? Are we supposed to erect record-keeping offices in each clan? Do we document marriages too? Would it be easier just to assign everyone identity numbers, because surnames would only alleviate the problem, not fix it entirely? And how will we then identify them if we assigned them these numbers?” Lexa listed the reasons why she hadn’t just done it yet and though Clarke was intrigued, she didn’t want Lexa stressing about that right now.

“What do you want our family name to be?” Clarke smoothly interjected once Lexa took a breath.

Probably something derivative of Trikru, Clarke thought to herself, maybe a type of tree to honour Lexa’s heritage. _Clarke Douglas-fir_ it popped into her head and she almost burst into a fit of giggles before she noticed Lexa bite her lip and glance away.

“I had thought…” Lexa trailed off and smiled bashfully before she looked back at Clarke. “I thought that we already had a family name…”

Clarke’s brows furrowed and she tilted her head in question, wondering what she was missing.

“I’m your wife…” Lexa murmured. “I thought that meant that I would take your surname…”

Clarke’s eyes widened and her chest seemed to expand and tighten simultaneously. And fuck, her _heart_. Clarke wasn’t going to make it passed forty. Lexa was going to be a young widow. A young Mrs. Fucking _Griffin_.

“Leksa Griffin…” Clarke reverently whispered. She hadn’t even known that that was something she wanted. It hadn’t once even been a thought. It was just a name. Clarke had forgotten she even had a surname. It shouldn’t matter and yet somehow it meant so much.

“Clarke and Leksa Griffin.” Lexa grinned back, looking happy and pleased.

Clarke tackled her to the ground and kissed her pretty face off.

_Twenty. Fucking. Years._

* * *

They managed to make it back home just in time for dinner. They wouldn’t have bothered, but Clarke and Lexa wanted to re-establish some consistency for Jake. Their youngest and Anya were outwardly elated at both their attendance and Clarke couldn’t regret the difficult choice she’d had to make to move out of Lexa’s arms at their cave.

The rest of the family seemed to be wary and more inwardly happy. Abby was suspicious but couldn’t quite hide how pleased she was to see them together. Aiden wasn’t there, but Clarke was certain Anya would inform him of the latest developments, they were like two peas in a pod.

Everyone had known they’d spent the day together and that it was their anniversary, so it wasn’t that big of surprise. Clarke wondered how many had thought they’d gone to argue in the forest and would return worse off rather than reconciled.

_Fuckers._

That didn’t matter, dinner was lovely. After Clarke informed Lexa of Abby’s distress at her absence, she went to spent some time with her beloved nomon. Clarke decided to draw her a warm bath for when she returned, because she still felt as though she’d gotten off way too easily considering everything. The more time she spent without Lexa, the more anxious and uncertain Clarke grew.

Lexa entered the bathroom as Clarke lit the last of a horde of candles and flicked the lights off. Lexa immediately started undressing and Clarke couldn’t help but watch her gorgeous naked body reveal itself.

“I’m gonna go clean my swords, do you want me to do yours too?” Clarke distractedly asked while her eyes lingered on Lexa’s breasts.

She realised far too late that Lexa hadn’t answered yet and looked to her face to find Lexa frowning in intense contemplation.

“You’re not joining me?” Lexa finally questioned.

“Oh, okay. Yeah.” Clarke mumbled and started clumsily pulling her clothes off because Lexa was still frowning and studying her and Clarke would’ve wondered why things were so awkward between them after their great day if Clarke didn’t know that she was the one making it so.

Lexa took mercy on her though and went to climb in the tub. Clarke was thankfully naked by the time Lexa’s back was leaned against the porcelain and she’d stretched out, taking up as much of the massive bathtub as her lean physique could manage.

Clarke walked closer and stood at the edge, considering where she should position herself when Lexa opened her arms and legs and Clarke timidly smiled and climbed in between Lexa’s limbs and sighed contently once her back was pressed against Lexa’s front and her head rested against Lexa’s shoulder.

She was welcomed by Lexa’s lips pressing a loving kiss against Clarke’s temple and her arms briefly squeezing Clarke in a comforting hug.

They were quiet for a while as Lexa tenderly washed the front of Clarke’s body in a way that was meant to soothe rather than titillate. Clarke closed her eyes and blanked for a while, softly sighing her gratitude.

“Better?” Lexa murmured next to her ear and Clarke could only hum an affirmative.

“Whether it be now, or ten years from now, we would still be scared to lose him.” Lexa softly stated, but the words hit Clarke like a sledgehammer to the chest and she startled in Lexa’s arms, but Lexa just shushed her and held her close until Clarke had somewhat relaxed again.

“I still can't stand at his side,” Lexa continued as though she hadn’t just delivered a suckerpunch when Clarke had finally forgotten for a while. “Because I am Heda, yes, but also because that is what Aiden wants.”

Clarke nodded, she’d figured as much. They were fine, but Lexa and Aiden had still drawn their lines in the sand.

“So he will continue to count on you for emotional support, Clarke, and I will need you too.” Lexa rasped and Clarke covered Lexa’s hands on her stomach, showing her that Clarke was there and willing. “And if you can’t forgive yourself and allow us to be us again, who's going to be there for you?”

Clarke’s eyes shot full of tears, not because she was scared, she was, but because Lexa knew her so well. Knew why Clarke had been so awkward to be alone with her again in their space and that she was doubting whether she deserved Lexa’s forgiveness. Whether she even deserved Lexa at all.

“I'm a better friend than Ekko, remember?” Lexa continued and Clarke could hear the soft smile in her voice and nodded her agreement as she thickly swallowed, pulling Lexa’s hands to rest on her aching heart. “I want to be there for you too, Clarke, so we can take care of each other, okay? Just like always.”

“I love you so much.” Clarke shakily husked, blinking away her tears before she turned around and kissed her wife.

* * *

The morning of the final battle arrived far too quickly.

Clarke and Lexa had woken long before the sun. Clarke had held Lexa from behind and though they knew that the other was awake too, they hadn’t spoken a word.

They’d showered together and dressed together and Clarke had braided Lexa’s hair before she helped fasten the Commander’s ceremonial armour. The design was the same as it had always been, but the new metal of the pauldron was sleek, shiny, and pitch black, and her signature sash flowed down in a waterfall of the finest red silk the clans had to offer.

Clarke had no official reason to wear armour that day and had picked out a simple, black, dress to match with Lexa.

The winner of the Conclave wouldn’t be Heda. That choice was still up to Lexa. The Conclave was merely to decide a successor and give all the clans a chance to have thrown their hat in the ring. Lexa could still choose Heda Solou Gonplei and that was something Clarke thought about almost as much as Aiden’s battle.

“You need to go to him.” Lexa murmured when Clarke stood in front of her with a jar of black kohl in one hand.

“Soon.” Clarke answered just as softly, before she reached up to apply Lexa’s warpaint.

* * *

Clarke ran into Anya in the hallway close to Jake’s room and instantly wrapped her in a hug.

“Honey, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you throughout this Conclave.” Clarke murmured, clinging on a little longer than necessary. “I probably would’ve lost my mind entirely if you hadn’t picked up the slack and been there for Jake and Nomon when I couldn’t.”

Anya patted Clarke in comfort and Clarke finally released her. “That’s what families are supposed to do, Mom.” She answered and Clarke bit back her tears because it was going to be a long day and she couldn’t start crying _already_.

“Whatever happens in this battle, Aiden is going to need us.” Clarke tentatively stated and Anya resolutely nodded. “The way you love us…” Clarke trailed off. “It’s something beautiful, Onya. And it shows how beautiful you are…”

Anya sheepishly glanced away.

“But your wants matter too.” Clarke stated a bit more sternly than intended and Anya’s eyes snapped back to her in surprise at the tone, before she softened and smiled.

“I know, Mom.”

“I need you to promise me that like your brother, you’ll fight for what you want, because we’ll support you through that just like we’re supporting him right now.”

“I promise.” Anya smiled indulgently, like she’d known that already, and Clarke was slightly mollified though also vowed to herself that she would make sure that Anya achieved whatever she wanted in life.

“Your Grandma says that you have a surgeon’s hands and you’ve done excellent in the pig labs. _Steady with a blade_ , were her exact words.” Clarke proudly grinned. “She might have you do a hernia repair soon.”

“Maybe I will become a Spymaster too…” Anya smirked. “Every Heda needs a Spymaster they can trust in, or they’ll lose their minds dealing with the egomaniacs.”

Clarke tightly hugged Anya again.

“I will kill anyone who so much as thinks of hurting you.” Clarke vehemently swore out loud something she’d known she’d do for a very long time.

Anya just laughed and escaped Clarke’s arms again.

“I’m going to get Jake and take him to Nomon so we can go to the stadium together.” Anya announced before she kissed Clarke on the cheek. “I love you, Mom.”

Fuck it. Clarke was crying. “I love you too, Ahn.”

* * *

Aiden was a lot calmer than Clarke, and she suspiciously wondered whether it was his mask or not. She hadn’t realised how quiet she was being until she finished adjusting his armour and Aiden spoke, seemingly in an attempt to soothe her.

“I don’t believe that Ilian is the type of man to dishonour his clan and his King.”

Clarke stilled and stared at him.

“Even if he still bears a grudge against Nomon, I’ve prepared all I can and will adjust in battle as needed. If I can’t beat him, I shouldn’t be Heda. It’s as simple as that.”

“You know about Ilian? Did Onya tell you?”

Anya had agreed that she wouldn’t say anything for the same reason Lexa had stated they shouldn’t tell Aiden. No matter how close the siblings were, when Anya gave her word, she stuck to it. To a fault sometimes.

Aiden shook his head.

“I’ve been part of Heda’s delegation for as long as I can remember.” He continued to speak in that calm, confident, tone Clarke still wasn’t sure what to make of. “I’d made it a goal to learn as much as I could and made as many trusted contacts as possible. People also tend to say many things when they think you aren’t listening. Sometimes you hear seemingly irrelevant half stories that only become significant once you collate them all together.”

Clarke was honestly impressed. Aiden’s job had been to lurk in the background as part of Lexa’s personal guard, unnoticed by everyone unless Lexa pushed him forward into the spotlight. It was the perfect opportunity to gain information and study people. It was a trick Clarke and Lexa often employed. The Commander would theatrically distract and Clarke would look and listen for the truth.

"You really did learn a lot from your Nomon." Clarke smirked.

"Information is the most powerful weapon you can wield.” Aiden nodded. “That I had learned from my other mother."

Clarke was ready to burst with pride and turned to fetch the warpaint Aiden had placed on his desk, to hide her grin.

“Nomon has a list in her desk drawer.” Aiden stated and Clarke paused and turned to him again. “A very long list of plans and strategies to implement that will benefit our people. Over the past two years, I’ve watched her as she balanced preparations for the Conclave, travelling to the clans, and tried to scratch as many things off of her list as she could.”

Clarke nodded that she knew about the list. She had noticed how extra busy Lexa had been and had helped where she could, thinking Lexa was just tying up loose ends before her retirement.

“She hadn’t even come close to halfway done,” Aiden reverently continued. “Not because she had failed, but because she just has so many great ideas that she kept on adding to and simply not enough time to execute them.”

Raven has joked that if they could only clone Lexa and make her immortal, the world would be restored to an even better version of what it had been before the bombs had dropped, in no time at all. Clarke loved that thought, for reasons that had nothing to do with the betterment of their world.

“As Heda, I will continue where Nomon left off.” Aiden resolutely declared. “I couldn’t risk having another Heda step in and push back Nomon’s plans or undo what she’s done for our people. The clans are prospering because Nomon works hard on maintaining that, as much as she focuses on integrating new strategies. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t live in this house truly realises how much she does and how much she knows about _everything_.”

Clarke nodded. No disrespect meant to anyone else in the clans, but Lexa understood so much about politics, war, technological innovations, trade and industry, that any new Heda would fail to sustain the clans simply because they wouldn’t know enough yet. The time it would take them to learn, could prove disastrous and set them back years of progress. Clarke and Lexa had discussed that possibility endlessly. Lexa couldn’t be Heda forever. Not with the risk of Heda Solou Gonplei looming over them. Their family needed Lexa, she’d sacrificed enough for their people and shouldn’t have to give her life on top of that. It was time for someone else to step up.

“It’s the main reason why I couldn’t wait till I was older.” Aiden continued to explain. “Nomon has taught me enough to be able to keep the clans running as they are, while I continue to learn more. I want to finish Nomon’s list in her lifetime and have her witness all of her plans come to fruition.”

 _Fuck_. Clarke was going to cry again.

“I’ve spoken with Onya and she has agreed to become my advisor and Spymaster. I trust her more than anyone and we will protect each other, just like you and Nomon have done.”

Clarke’s heart clenched and her lip trembled.

“I can’t speak on whether Onya wants children one day, but if we can’t finish the list, I will have as many children as I can and hope that one of them – or one of Ahn’s - will want to take over from me.” Aiden grinned that lopsided boyish grin of his. “Perhaps that child won’t be Heda, but instead a fairly elected President of the United Territories. And will make sure that our people will all be educated enough to make an informed decision in a democratic election, as Nomon has always wanted for them.”

Yeah, Clarke was definitely crying. And smiling. It was the first time that her mistake felt worth all the pain it had caused.

“We will maintain the legacy of Leksa kom Trikru. Of Aleksandria Griffin.” Aiden smirked and Clarke laughed with watering eyes.

“You know about that too?”

Aiden nodded. “I hadn’t wasted my time these last few years, Mom, and Nomon had shared much with me. The more I watched her, the more determined I became to follow in her path. Her goals became my own.”

Since Aiden had told her that he wanted to enter the Conclave, Clarke’s main focus had been for Aiden not to die. But since the Conclave started and she discovered a side to her son she hadn’t known existed, Clarke actually _wanted_ him to win. She believed that he could and that he deserved to be Heda.

Clarke finally picked up the two small tubs of warpaint Aiden had selected. He’d never been to war, so had never worn any. Well, that wasn’t entirely true.

When he was five years old, he'd begged Clarke to put kohl on his face, the same as Lexa’s, before he’d jumped up onto the Antler throne and started yelling _'leave us'_ at the guards who amusedly obeyed him. Clarke suspected that it was because he would spend countless hours with Indra who freely told him stories about Lexa as a young Commander.

“How do you want your paint?” Clarke gruffly asked and he explained that he just wanted two thick lines from one temple, crossing over his eyes to the other.

“Red for Nomon.” Aiden murmured as Clarke drew the first thick stripe below his brow as steadily as she could.

“And blue for your eyes.” He cheekily grinned once Clarke had finished the other.

She scoffed, but amusedly chuckled, wondering what all Echo had told Aiden of that day. She knew her best friend was the culprit.

Aiden grew serious again.

“Today I fight for you too, Mom.” He earnestly vowed. “And I want to say how thankful I am to you for always believing in me. I wouldn't have gotten this far without you.”

Clarke sniffed and went to wipe her hands on a cloth and desperately hoped she would make it through the day without passing out from dehydration.

“I wish I could give you the kind of inspiring speech your nomon had given me before my battle against Gregor.” Clarke murmured, feeling inadequate despite Aiden’s heartfelt validation.

Aiden chuckled. “From what Aunt Ekko has told me, that would be very inappropriate, Mom. It would probably scar me for life were you to speak to me the way Nomon did you that day.”

Clarke grinned and gently hit his shiny armour. “We probably shouldn’t have constantly told you how proud we are of you. It kinda takes away from moments like these when it’s all I feel and can think to say.”

Aiden smiled softly. “It’s what has kept me going when I’ve faltered, that need to keep you both feeling proud of me.”

Clarke smiled tremulously, holding back from hugging him while his warpaint dried.

“Nomon would want me to tell you that the outcome of this battle won’t matter to us. That we have faith in you and will continue to support you regardless of whether you become Heda or not.”

Aiden nodded and accepted it with soft understanding eyes.

“I think there’s one piece of advice your nomon gave me that I can share with you today.”

Aiden tilted his head, waiting in anticipation, wanting something from Lexa; from his nomon and his Amin. Some final words of wisdom from the great Commander of the United Territories.

“Don’t die, Branwoda.” Clarke smirked, causing Aiden to burst out laughing.

* * *

After Clarke walked into the stadium at Aiden’s side, Roan and Ilian next to them as they waved to the crowds, they made their way to the steps that led down from the dais.

Lexa was already seated and Grunt stood at the mic having announced the final two novitiates to the excited crowd.

Clarke and Roan bowed to the Commander looking indominable on her throne, sending waves upon waves of nostalgia rolling through Clarke’s body as she reminisced on the first time she’d been struck by that powerful image.

Roan thankfully pulled Clarke away from her staring by suavely offering his arm. She accepted with a smile and allowed herself to be escorted up to the Antler Throne. It was unrehearsed and so very charmingly Roan, that Clarke felt guilty for not spending any quality time with their friend as they usually would when he was in Polis. She was sure that he thought it was because both of them were focused on their candidates, when Clarke had avoided him solely to prevent an altercation regarding Ilian.

Lexa rose from her throne and delicately took Clarke’s hand and smiled at Roan when he bowed and went to take his seat. Lexa kissed Clarke’s cheek and they both settled in their seats before looking down at Aiden and Ilian.

They bowed to the Commander, but Clarke’s eyes were focused on Ilian. She couldn’t help but wonder what it felt like for him to bow to Lexa. Lexa was the only person Clarke had ever bowed to, but that was easy. It felt right. What was it like to bow to someone you despised?

Before the final battle, there were a few performances and competitions to entertain the crowds. Clarke couldn’t pay attention to any of the happenings. Her mind was reeling and she just needed it fucking over and done with already.

If Ilian killed Aiden...

Clarke wondered if Lexa would interfere or let it happen as per Aiden’s wants. If she allowed that, Clarke knew that Lexa would avenge their son afterward. Maybe that was what Ilian has wanted all along? He could’ve challenged Lexa to Heda Solou Gonplei though. But Clarke had learned that Ilian kom Azgeda was an intelligent man. Striking down Lexa at this point in time while she was so beloved by their people, would cause him a lot of trouble. Especially with Azgeda being an ally and King Roan a close friend.

But if Ilian killed Aiden and provoked Lexa into challenging him afterward, it wouldn’t seem as an aggressive a play. It would’ve been Lexa who had instigated the battle. But would the people still follow someone who had struck down a grieving mother? Was this even about being Heda to him? Or was Ilian just attempting to destroy their family as they’d destroyed his? Clarke wasn’t sure what Ilian’s motives were, she only knew that she might lose both Lexa and Aiden that day...

Her fingers twitch, her blades lay ready and waiting at the back of her seat. Clarke was already mentally and emotionally preparing herself to follow Lexa in that worst-case scenario, when her eyes caught Anya and Jake laughing at the comedy sketch taking place on the arena floor. No, Clarke needed to remain strong and not do anything stupid again. She'd promised Lexa and she wouldn’t let her children down.

Finally, Aiden and Ilian stood opposite each other, lances at the ready, and Clarke’s heart in her throat. She blindly reached out and took Lexa’s hand, who gripped back tightly even before the first thunderous crack of metal on metal reverberated through the stadium.

Objectively, the match started out intense and sort of amazing. The crowds were going insane. Aiden and Ilian were both so skilled with their weapons that they made it look like poetry in motion. It was spectacular. Artful. And with a hint of danger that had everyone on the edges of their seats.

For the first twenty minutes of the match, they blocked and ducked with an equal amount of style, finesse, and utter effortlessness. Then Ilian feigned right, but went left, so fast that Aiden reacted too late. He received a vicious slash to his knee with the bladed lance, even as he blocked Ilian’s instant and brutal follow up strike to his chest, and wobbled out of reach.

_And fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck. Fuck._

Lexa’s hand had gone slack in Clarke’s, cool and sweaty with anxiety. They both knew what a hit like that meant against a warrior like Ilian. It became painfully apparent when the Azgeda candidate made use of his advantage and started a destructively offensive attack. Ilian landed blow after massive blow to Aiden’s lance, landing too many to his torso and upper arms as Aiden was now too slow on his feet to block them all.

Clarke wanted to close her eyes, unable to watch, but she couldn’t leave Aiden now and kept on looking and hoping. And then Aiden did that Lexa thing, where he stepped fully on his injured leg, shouting in pain even as he attacked. Not expecting the stubborn stupidity of risking permanent damage and potentially making things worse for the remainder of the battle, Ilian adjusted too late and received a booming _crack_ to his left arm.

Clarke gripped onto Lexa’s hand to prevent herself from jumping up and cheering with the rest of the crowd.

Aiden was still at a disadvantage with regards to movement, but the lance was a two-handed weapon and he’d effectively lessened the power Ilian could put behind his strikes.

The next few minutes turned out to be grotesquely cringeworthy, as Ilian and Aiden traded blows to each other’s bodies that left them both beaten and bloodied and visibly exhausted.

It was anybody’s guess who would come out on top until, as though he had caught a second-breath, Ilian let out an almost desperate cry, jumped three feet into the air and violently _slammed_ the blunt side of his weapon against Aiden’s head.

Aiden went down.

Clarke’s heart dropped with him.

Lexa's hand dropped from Clarke’s.

Clarke barely noticed as she stared at the bloodied mess on the arena floor and tried to reconcile it with her son. His blonde head of hair was fast becoming stained dark red.

It was nauseating. Clarke was going to throw up as she sat trembling in her seat.

Ilian was catching his breath, looking barely able to stand upright as he kept an eye on Aiden still face down in the dirt.

 _Get up, Aiden!_ Clarke internally screamed.

Lexa rose from her throne and Clarke didn’t stop her.

“Get up, Aiden.” Lexa murmured so softly, only Clarke and Grunt heard, and walked to the top of the steps.

There was no way Aiden could’ve heard her and yet his head slowly rose, face covered in blood and sand, yet he seemed to instantly look up at Lexa who remained rooted in place, not giving a fuck as to what anyone would think.

Aiden nodded drunkenly. Whether in a sign to Lexa, or to amp himself up, Clarke didn’t know, but he shakily began to lift himself up, seemingly drawing strength from his nomon willing him to rise again.

Ilian noticed and instantly stumbled forward to keep his advantage.

Clarke thought Aiden was getting up, but that head injury must’ve been as awful as it looked, because he seemed to only flop down onto his back instead, chest visibly heaving, and was met with Ilian looming over him, Aiden’s lance laying far out of reach.

Ilian didn’t drag it out, or relish in what he was about to do as he instantly lifted his weapon and stabbed the tip of his lance towards Aiden’s head who rolled out of the way at the last second, effectively cutting the scream that was tearing from Clarke’s aching throat off into an aggrieved whimper.

Aiden continued the movement as he kicked against Ilian’s knee and grabbed for Ilian’s lance with one hand, while his other shot out with a lightning fast punch to Ilian’s throat who faltered allowing Aiden to rip Ilian’s weapon from his hand twirling it around and delivered a colossal blow to Ilian’s head. Aiden’s momentum threw him down onto his knees again as Ilian’s back hit the arena floor.

The crowd was going crazy, Clarke was openly sobbing as she watched Aiden struggle to lift himself up again, using Ilian’s lance as a crutch. When he finally made it to his feet, Aiden stilled himself and pressed the lance tip to Ilian’s throat.

Clarke thought that maybe Ilian wasn’t conscious, but her hammering heart increased with relief and joy, when Ilian tapped his hand three times and accepted defeat.

The roar from the crowd was deafening. Clarke didn’t hear a thing as Aiden, dirty and bleeding and hunched over in pain, tossed Ilian’s lance to the side and looked up at Lexa who still stood frozen at the top of the steps.

And because Lexa wasn’t moving, no one else did. Save for Aiden, who started limping his way toward the dais steps.

It seemed to take forever as Clarke clenched and unclenched her fists, wanting to get him down in a hospital bed and check his head injury, but finally Aiden made it there on his own and fell to his knees in front of the Commander. His chest heaved with exhaustion and pain, and blood seemed to blind his eyes as he squinted up at Lexa, who finally started making her way down the steps, so very tentatively, even as her expression remained carefully blank.

Clarke knew that Lexa was ready to burst with emotion, though.

Aiden lowered his gaze, bending his neck in an even deeper bow. The crowd had grown so quiet in anticipation, that Clarke could actually hear the faint _‘Rise, Aiden’_ that fell from Lexa lips.

It was a clear struggle for him to get up. Lexa didn’t help him, but Aiden managed to straighten as much as he could, until, even as he was slightly bent over in pain, he towered over Lexa.

Lexa stepped forward and removed Aiden’s armour throwing it to the ground next to them. Clarke wondered if Lexa was checking him for injury and rose from her seat to go help. A low murmur of confusion started up in the crowd, but then the small Commander unfastened the buckle of her pauldron and removed it, before placing it on Aiden’s shoulder. Clarke stopped at the top of the steps and the crowd hushed.

It was a tight fit, even as Lexa adjusted it as much as she could. The armour wasn’t meant to be the new Commander’s, but it was the symbolism behind it. It hadn’t been planned, but Clarke suspected that Lexa needed to give their son something physical, as a way to show their people her own endorsement and belief in him.

“Grunt!” Lexa called up to the dais and Grunt, eyes glistening, rose to retrieve her lance.

Lexa looked up and lifted her hand and Grunt tossed the lance down the numerous steps. Lexa easily caught it as though it had been rehearsed. It wasn’t. That was just Lexa and Grunt being effortlessly smooth and in sync with each other.

Lexa turned back to Aiden and Clarke watched him realise what he was about to receive. Lexa kept the lance horizontally, palms up and presented the weapon her nomon had given her, to her son.

Aiden bared a row of bloodied teeth in an almost delirious grin and accepted the lance. He kept it in one hand, one tip to the ground and then straightened to his full height, pain ignored, as he stood there, dressed in Lexa’s armour, the red sash flowing down his back like a cape.

Lexa took a step back, appraising him for a moment and then she started to lower herself to the ground. Clarke had never seen Lexa kneel to anyone before. It seemed unbelievably wrong for some inexplicable reason.

Aiden seemed to think so too as he quickly stepped forward, wincing in pain but his free arm wrapped around Lexa’s waist and he pulled her into a one-armed embrace instead.

Lexa’s arms instantly flew around his neck and Aiden held her so tenderly, like _Lexa_ was the injured one, that Clarke couldn’t help but weep for the both of them. Lexa allowed herself to be small in his arms and hold him as his nomon.

And this was the change they'd fought for, right? To have a Heda unabashedly crying with joy and pride, in his mother’s arms. No pomp and circumstance; there was no need when there was hardly a dry eye in the stadium. Including Lexa, who finally stepped back, tears streaming down her face, chest swollen with pride as she grinned at her son.

Lexa nodded toward the centre of the arena and Aiden bowed to Lexa before he cast his eyes up at Clarke whose heart stuttered when he smiled at her and brought his fist to his chest.

As Aiden turned toward centre stage, Lexa looked up at Clarke who started walking down the stairs, her teary eyes watching as Roan hugged Aiden where a healer was helping Ilian off the arena floor to get treated.

Before Clarke reached the final step, she looked up to where Anya and Jake were standing with large smiles and motioned them to her. Clarke then turned back and accepted the hand that was being held out to her and sunk into Lexa's side, leaning into the arm that wrapped around her shoulders and the tender kiss that was placed against her temple.

Jake popped up under Lexa's other arm and Clarke wrapped her own around Anya’s waist as they all directed their attention to Aiden standing in the middle of the arena.

Aiden looked back at them, and then, with a mighty warcry, thrusted his lance into the air.

The crowd roared in answer.

_Heda! Heda! Heda! Heda!_

* * *

The End

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this because I love this series and this verse and wanted a conclusion that was happy and full of hope. I decided against writing more fluff than angst, because I thought it would be a beautiful thing to show them loving each other despite whatever difficulties they faced even after being together for twenty years.  
> I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed writing their children lol I wanted a large, loving, family for Lexa, given all she’s lost in her life. Yeh, I hurt her a lot in this fic, but Clarke was hurting too and they found each other again and only came out stronger on the other side.  
> I want to say thanks for all the kudos and to everyone reading, but especially to those who have taken the time to comment on each chapter. Those first couple of hours after posting is always nerve-wrecking when met with silence and not knowing what people are thinking, so I really appreciate you a lot!
> 
> Please share this fic if you liked it.
> 
> May you read again, Nomonjokas
> 
> xx


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